Uranus Park Will Compete with Ark Encounter

Uranus Park

Everyone knows about the Ark Encounter project, a religious theme park under construction in northern Kentucky, promoted by Ken Ham (ol’ Hambo), the Australian entrepreneur who has become the ayatollah of Appalachia. The last time we posted about it was Big Thrill — Opening Date for Ken Ham’s Ark.

But what you didn’t know — until now — is that another theme park will be opening soon. We call it Uranus Encounter, and it was inspired by ol’ Hambo’s park. If Hambo thinks he can get millions of people to visit his Ark, then how many more visitors can we expect to see our park, which features a realistic model of the Seventh Planet?

Hambo’s Ark is land-locked. It rests on a concrete foundation and it’s supported by scaffolding. Like Hambo’s Ark, our replica of the Seventh Planet is also firmly fixed in place. If the Ark “replica” won’t float, it shouldn’t be a problem that our replica of the Seventh Planet doesn’t fly through the heavens. The big difference is that Uranus is real, and the Ark is mythology.

Hambo has announced the opening date for his Ark — it’s 07 July, which he says has biblical significance. Uranus Park will open sooner. Our target date is 01 April — which also has meaning. And, like Hambo’s Ark, we’ll have a gift shop and other places where you can spend your money. We’ll also be selling lifetime visitor passes. We’re keeping the location a secret for now, but it’ll be far more convenient than Northern Kentucky.

And so the competition begins! Ask yourself, dear reader — would you rather pay money to see Hambo’s Ark, or the Curmudgeon’s replica of the Seventh Planet? The answer is obvious, isn’t it?

We’re open to suggestions as to how we can make our park an even better experience for our visitors. So let us know what you think.

Copyright © 2015. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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22 responses to “Uranus Park Will Compete with Ark Encounter

  1. You’re going to need a punchy and inspirational message engraved over the entrance, something to rival the Creation Museum’s Prepare to Believe!

    Perhaps: PREPARE TO BE RELIEVED

  2. To appease sensibilities, I have heard the name will be changed to “Urectum Park”

  3. Megalonyx, perhaps you could serve on our Bumper Strip committee. All we’ve got so far is a souvenir strip that says: “I’ve seen Uranus!

  4. michaelfugate

    hemorrhoid donuts?

  5. Or perhaps, for a thrilling tag-line for the marketing department:

    The Journey of a Lifetime to Where the Sun Don’t Shine!

  6. Uranus: Don’t Leave Home Without It

  7. michaelfugate

    Uranus: Don’t Leave Home Without It

    That reminds me of this story which tells the sad tale of what happens when you do….

  8. Sounds like a lead in to a series of DVD’s starting with “The Heaven’s Declare the Glory of Uranus!”.

    I’d get the hole set!

  9. For added lustre, you should snap up a certain Governor of Louisiana who will shortly be unemployed. Following in the footsteps of Michael Jackson at Disney, you can proudly present the exciting movie:

    Bobby Jindal is: Captain Creo!

    Provided, of course, that Jindal is willing to sign the Answers in Uranus Statement of Faith

  10. In Uranus, You Know He’s Right

  11. Uranus: Yes, I was there!

  12. The most interesting question is:

    “What does Uranus do in its leisure time?

  13. Uranus Encounter …. sponsored by Charmin and Preparation H. (Does the H stand for Holy? … or perhaps hole?)

  14. Uranus Encounter … we have a Movement behind us!

  15. Uranus Encounter: Come Listen to Our Ancient Tails!

  16. The whole truth

    Should the restaurant at Uranus Park serve dingleberry pie?

    And there should be this rule at Uranus Park: Don’t squeeze the Charmin!

  17. To compete with Hambo’s animal-free ‘attraction’, I think Uranus Encounter should feature an amazing Dung Beetle Petting Zoo.

    And it could all be part of a worthy conservation project to help reverse the ‘Alarming trend’ of decline among UK’s dung beetles

  18. Welcome to

    URANUS ENCOUNTER

    “Where Reams Come True!

  19. Curmy, I fear I have spotted a serious flaw in your scheme. Indeed, though I blush to say it, there is a dreadful hole in Uranus!

    Consider: Hambo’s business model doesn’t rely on the projected revenue from visitors to his completed simulacrum of a mythical Ark, which is likely to be nugatory The real profit is in gulling the rubes to buy the junk bonds to finance the construction of the folly in the first place.

    So you need to do the same if you want to trouser some serious cash. You need to recruit legions of folks with more money than sense to invest in a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, to wit:

    SHARES IN URANUS!

    Yes! This is your golden opportunity to get in at the bottom of our Curmudgeon’s inspiring URANUS ENCOUNTER™ Project!

    What a tragedy for America if URANUS prolapses for lack of funding! You can’t let that happen! It’s time to put your money where URANUS is!

    $100 buys a log for URANUS
    $1000 buys a yard of stitching for fissures in URANUS
    $10,000 buys a machine to drive the piles around URANUS

    All investors in URANUS BONDS receive an official Certificate of Inconvertable Paper and a copy of our Curmudgeon’s exciting DVD, “Probing the Riddle of the Sphincter”.

    No checks please; all investments are cash only, &c. &c.

  20. And of course, the Prospectus for URANUS BONDS will need several pages of legal caveats (printed in a microscopic font), e.g.

    Nota bene: Anything put into URANUS is more likely to go down than up and liable to be subsequently flushed away without trace.

    Curmudgeon Ministries Inc. assume no liability for any investors who are wiped out.

    Caveat Evacuator.

  21. Perhaps you could add thrill rides, something Hambo sorely lacks. The possibilities are endless. Oberon’s Throne, Titania’s Palace, Puck’s Wild Ride, Herschel’s Inertial, Miranda’s trapezoidal labyrinth (with ferocious cliffs!). Finish your trip with fine dining at the King George’s Star.

  22. The whole truth

    You guys are cracking me up.

    Meanwhile, at Uranus Park, everyone will enter through the back door, and creationists will be the butt of all jokes.