Today’s letter-to-the-editor appears in the Register-Herald of Beckley, West Virginia — proudly known as “The Gateway to Southern West Virginia.” It’s titled Religion indicted; it’s not a practical joke. The newspaper has a comments feature.
Because today’s writer isn’t a politician, preacher, or other public figure, we won’t embarrass or promote him by using his full name. His first name is Lonnie. The gender of that name is ambiguous, but we’ll assume Lonnie is male. Excerpts from his letter will be enhanced with our Curmudgeonly commentary and some bold font for emphasis. Here we go!
The idea that the extraordinary letter which has been called just “inflammatory rhetoric,” leaving the author nameless (how sweet) and thus neutered in his wild bid for fame, is thought by some to be an elaborate practical joke (since it was prior to a season of jokes). Cursed by a perverted and sinister sense of humor and angst, this epistle has no doubt been consigned to the flames of Hell, or at least to File 13.
What “extraordinary letter” is Lonnie talking about? He describes it a bit more:
This assertion, that dear Religion merits a “bullet to the back of the head,” is both shocking and even monstrous. After all, what terrible things has it done? Only an unspecified murder of millions, the spreading of ignorance and fibs to billions of children, and the setting back of science at least 2,500 years. Yes, war criminals have been charged with much less! But we’re Religion!
We used that “bullet to the back of the head” phrase to locate the earlier letter — Several ideas ought to bite the dust. Much to our surprise, the author isn’t nameless. Lonnie was the author of that one too, so he appears to be defending what he wrote earlier. Both letters are bizarre, chaotic, and sometimes contradictory, which causes us to believe that Lonnie is strangely troubled. But you can make your own judgment, dear reader. Let’s read on in today’s letter:
How can so few overrule the majority?
Lonnie doesn’t specify who the “few” are who overrule “the majority.” We must continue reading in order to find out what he’s talking about:
We control most of the radio stations, TV programs, magazines and books, and the social media 24/7. Yet they win some court rulings, their secular humanism has taken over Europe — and is invading America. Stephen Hawking and many other world-class minds say there is no God or gods. Oh, why can’t these evil people leave us alone? Why don’t they migrate to Mars or some asteroid? Then we can practice our beliefs with peace and love and in Jesus’ light.
Okay, it’s becoming clear. The “few” are the infernal atheists. But Lonnie’s earlier letter said that religion merits a “bullet to the back of the head.” Was he being sarcastic, or is he confused? Here’s more:
How can a grain of sand acquire eyes and ears, and understanding? How can something come out of nothing? Why should we trouble our heads over these relatively few doubting Thomases? They will all be whisked away on a whirlwind on Judgment Day!
Yes, those godless fools will get what’s coming to them! Moving along:
The greatest practical joke, the height of horror, is not to see the thing before our eyes. These walking, talking, breathing monsters are not werewolves, vampires or spirits of the dead. But daylight zombies, soulless and sucking life from us believers; evil creatures that only resemble outwardly true humans. They prey on our children!
A wee bit extreme, but not a unique attitude. And now we come to the end:
They are a separate species co-evolving, co-breathing the same sweet air we are. They are real live Frankenstein monsters, or an invasion of Pod People! Or are they simply children with questions? Tell them a lie. Happy Halloween! Pat them on the head; send them to bed.
Lonnie is either tweaking the creationists, or he’s one of them, or he oscillates wildly back and forth between both viewpoints. Can you figure it out, dear reader?
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