Creationist Wisdom #639: Total Confusion

Today’s letter-to-the-editor appears in the Register-Herald of Beckley, West Virginia — proudly known as “The Gateway to Southern West Virginia.” It’s titled Religion indicted; it’s not a practical joke. The newspaper has a comments feature.

Because today’s writer isn’t a politician, preacher, or other public figure, we won’t embarrass or promote him by using his full name. His first name is Lonnie. The gender of that name is ambiguous, but we’ll assume Lonnie is male. Excerpts from his letter will be enhanced with our Curmudgeonly commentary and some bold font for emphasis. Here we go!

The idea that the extraordinary letter which has been called just “inflammatory rhetoric,” leaving the author nameless (how sweet) and thus neutered in his wild bid for fame, is thought by some to be an elaborate practical joke (since it was prior to a season of jokes). Cursed by a perverted and sinister sense of humor and angst, this epistle has no doubt been consigned to the flames of Hell, or at least to File 13.

What “extraordinary letter” is Lonnie talking about? He describes it a bit more:

This assertion, that dear Religion merits a “bullet to the back of the head,” is both shocking and even monstrous. After all, what terrible things has it done? Only an unspecified murder of millions, the spreading of ignorance and fibs to billions of children, and the setting back of science at least 2,500 years. Yes, war criminals have been charged with much less! But we’re Religion!

We used that “bullet to the back of the head” phrase to locate the earlier letter — Several ideas ought to bite the dust. Much to our surprise, the author isn’t nameless. Lonnie was the author of that one too, so he appears to be defending what he wrote earlier. Both letters are bizarre, chaotic, and sometimes contradictory, which causes us to believe that Lonnie is strangely troubled. But you can make your own judgment, dear reader. Let’s read on in today’s letter:

How can so few overrule the majority?

Lonnie doesn’t specify who the “few” are who overrule “the majority.” We must continue reading in order to find out what he’s talking about:

We control most of the radio stations, TV programs, magazines and books, and the social media 24/7. Yet they win some court rulings, their secular humanism has taken over Europe — and is invading America. Stephen Hawking and many other world-class minds say there is no God or gods. Oh, why can’t these evil people leave us alone? Why don’t they migrate to Mars or some asteroid? Then we can practice our beliefs with peace and love and in Jesus’ light.

Okay, it’s becoming clear. The “few” are the infernal atheists. But Lonnie’s earlier letter said that religion merits a “bullet to the back of the head.” Was he being sarcastic, or is he confused? Here’s more:

How can a grain of sand acquire eyes and ears, and understanding? How can something come out of nothing? Why should we trouble our heads over these relatively few doubting Thomases? They will all be whisked away on a whirlwind on Judgment Day!

Yes, those godless fools will get what’s coming to them! Moving along:

The greatest practical joke, the height of horror, is not to see the thing before our eyes. These walking, talking, breathing monsters are not werewolves, vampires or spirits of the dead. But daylight zombies, soulless and sucking life from us believers; evil creatures that only resemble outwardly true humans. They prey on our children!

A wee bit extreme, but not a unique attitude. And now we come to the end:

They are a separate species co-evolving, co-breathing the same sweet air we are. They are real live Frankenstein monsters, or an invasion of Pod People! Or are they simply children with questions? Tell them a lie. Happy Halloween! Pat them on the head; send them to bed.

Lonnie is either tweaking the creationists, or he’s one of them, or he oscillates wildly back and forth between both viewpoints. Can you figure it out, dear reader?

Copyright © 2015. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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13 responses to “Creationist Wisdom #639: Total Confusion

  1. Lonnie drools

    We control most of the radio stations, TV programs, magazines and books, and the social media 24/7

    And we control the vertical. We control the horizontal…

    Really think we need to call Poe on this one. Or at least, declare that Beckley, W.Va., should even more proudly be known as The Gateway to the Outer Limits.

  2. Megalonyx says: “Really think we need to call Poe on this one.”

    Yes, Poe’s law could be invoked. Or this could be one for the Drool Zone. Even with my experience, I really don’t know.

  3. This dude is far off the deep end his mind is drowning in stupid!!!!
    “……Then we can practice our beliefs with peace and love and in Jesus’ light…..” Is he really stupid or blind? Has he never read his history? or looked at the news? Its jesus’ fan club that is the problem! As they will never leave US alone to live our life!! I think he is projecting.

  4. The way Lonnie writes reminds me of the way a guest talked at a party I went to the other evening after she had too much to drink, went out and smoked some weed, came back in, and drank some more.

    Not the same topic, just the same jumbled rhetoric.

  5. Rikki_Tikki_Taalik

    Obviously this is a practice game. The pigeon is playing both sides of the board.

  6. Lonnie is either tweaking the creationists, or he’s one of them

    I think this is satire.

  7. “Can you figure it out, dear reader?”
    No. Without trying to do so I already have enough problems to keep my mind sane.

  8. This second letter is Lonnie being ironic, I think. The first was him in, er, advocate mode.

    It should be noted that Poe’s Law of Creationist Belief applies also to fundamentalist religion. That is, there is no statement of fundamentalist religious belief so crazy that it may not be an actual belief held by some. Corollary: All ironic statements of fundamentalist religious belief must therefore fail because the irony is invisible.

    Thus, Lonnie’s second letter, while amusing in spots, is something of a literary failure.

  9. SC: “His first name is Lonnie. The gender of that name is ambiguous, but we’ll assume Lonnie is male.”

    I guess, since ~95% of these “wisdom” letter writers are male (ironic, given that women are more likely than men to be religious or deny evolution).

    Alan(UK): “Lonnie Donegan was male.”

    A true scientist, who conducted an experiment to determine whether chewing gum loses its flavor on the bedpost overnight. Unfortunately he never published the results.🙂

  10. Ceteris Paribus

    Well I dunno what Lonnie is up to here either, but on looking up Poe’s Law and finding out that it doesn’t refer to the Poe of Edgar Allen fame, decided it was just as well, with apologies to Samuel Taylor, to throw poet Coleridge over Lonnie’s cliff too.

    Kubla Khan
    “Or, a vision in a dream. A Fragment.”
    By Samuel Taylor Coleridge

    “In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
    A stately pleasure-dome decree:
    Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
    Through caverns measureless to man
    Down to a sunless sea.
    . . .
    And all should cry, Beware! Beware!
    His flashing eyes, his floating hair!
    Weave a circle round him thrice,
    And close your eyes with holy dread
    For he on honey-dew hath fed,
    And drunk the milk of Paradise.”

  11. Dave Luckett’s comment +1.

  12. That is my old hometown’s local paper. Lonnie has been writing letters for years. Yes, he is trying to be sarcastic.