How To See Ken Ham’s Ark

A month ago we posted Big Thrill — Opening Date for Ken Ham’s Ark, to advise you about the projected completion of the Ark Encounter project, a religious theme park under construction in northern Kentucky, promoted by Ken Ham (ol’ Hambo), the Australian entrepreneur who has become the ayatollah of Appalachia.

Today there’s even more thrilling news at ol’ Hambo’s blog: How to Get Ark Encounter Tickets. We know you’re interested, so let’s get started. Here are some excerpts, with bold font added by us. After a reminder that the theme park is scheduled to open on 07 July, Hambo says:

Now, before you rush to plan your vacation to visit the massive Ark and tour the Creation Museum (45 minutes from the Ark), and recognizing that so many people will want to visit (projected at maybe two million the first year), we need to explain now how you can obtain Ark tickets.

Isn’t Hambo wonderful? This is so thoughtful of him. He tells us:

Because independent primary source research has clearly shown that we are going to be inundated with visitors (including from around the world) during the first few months, we had to create an online reservation system to handle the number of ticket requests. Because the Ark Encounter opens in the summer, we had to come up with a creative way of assisting as many people as possible to visit this world-class attraction before the main vacation travel period in America ends.

Wow — they had to create an online reservation system! Let’s read on:

Even though the Ark Encounter will be able to accommodate up to 16,000 guests per day, research shows that the demand on some days could exceed twice that daily amount in the opening season! Therefore, faced with this “nice problem,” we are requiring advance purchase of tickets online and for specific date(s) for the first 40 days. This ticketing system will allow us to provide the best possible experience for our visitors.

It’s amazing what Hambo is willing to do for us. He continues:

The opportunity to purchase admission tickets to the Ark Encounter for a specific date(s) for the first 40 days and nights will begin online January 19, 2016 at [link provided].

Mark your calendar, dear reader. On 19 January you can go online to purchase your tickets. Here’s more:

Tickets will be sold on a first-come, first-served basis. They will be date-specific, so before you go online, you will need to know the date(s) you plan to visit, and maybe have a backup date in case all tickets are sold for your first choice. Again, this system will help ensure that everyone has a great experience and not have to deal with huge crowds that can occur when an amazing new attraction opens.

Not only is Hambo the world’s holiest man, the world’s greatest bible expert, the world’s most knowledgeable scientist, and the world’s greatest educational expert, but now we see that he is unsurpassed in compassion. Pay attention now, because this is interesting:

The ticket price for this large Ark Encounter theme park — with dozens of quality Bible-upholding and evangelistic exhibits inside the Ark, plus the park’s other attractions (many hours could be spent at the Ark site) — is $40 for an adult, $28 for a child, and $31 for seniors (tax not included). In addition, if you will be like almost everyone else and will be driving a vehicle to the Ark, your order will require the pre-purchase of a parking pass, which is $10 per standard parking space.

What a bargain! Only $40 for a ticket and a mere $10 more for parking. Who can resist an opportunity like that? When millions of people rush to take advantage of this, the reservation system is almost certain to crash. But ol’ Hambo has thought of that too. Here’s how to buck the line:

Now, there is also a way to select your date(s) and purchase tickets online before January 19, during our “priority” ticketing period. Any supporter who, by December 31, has purchased a Charter Boarding Pass for the Ark or has donated to sponsor a plank or beam for the Ark will be eligible to obtain their tickets online during the priority ticketing period (admission tickets are free for boarding pass owners). This priority period starts January 5, 2016!

[*Begin Drool Mode*] Ooooooooooooh! [*End Drool Mode*] Hambo explains how to do that, and then he says:

Those who qualify for this priority ticketing period (January 5–18) will be sent instructions to get early access to the online ticketing system beginning January 5, 2016 and can select dates and obtain their tickets. This is 14 days before ticketing opens to the general public.

Don’t hesitate, dear reader. Act now to assure that you’ll be among those who get to see the Ark. In conclusion, all we can say is:

Hambo, Hambo, you da man!
No one makes ’em drool like you can!

Copyright © 2015. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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13 responses to “How To See Ken Ham’s Ark

  1. Ceteris Paribus

    Pre-ticketing required to get humans aboard Ham’s Ark in 40 days? And Genesis 7:1-4 says Noah was able to get an entire ark load of animals aboard in a mere 7 days. Appears Ham’s god is slipping a bit.

  2. “Now, before you rush to plan your vacation to visit the massive Ark and tour the Creation Museum (45 minutes from the Ark),…”

    So if you pay $10 for parking at the Ark, do you pay another $10 for parking at the museum that is 45 minutes away, or wear your hiking boots (Ham’s spiel can get pretty deep). And does the museum admission also cost extra $$$?

    “The opportunity to purchase admission tickets to the Ark Encounter for a specific date(s) for the first 40 days and nights …”

    So, for the first 40 days and nights of the grand opening, does Ham provide the rain, just like Noah’s cloudburst?

  3. I offered to sponsor two very thick short planks but I was told they already had Ken.

  4. The videos at https://arkencounter.com are worth a look. Only Ken could describe his unfloatable deathtrap as “world-class”. Naval architects will have a hoot when they get the chance to examine the building’s structure. As, indeed, also will paleoclimatologists when they see the diorama of the recovery of “the lost squadron” planes thus, in Ken’s dishonest view, disproving ice-core science.

  5. I’ll have to check my calendar. I’m pretty sure I’ve got something more important to do that day.

  6. “Not only is Hambo the world’s holiest man, the world’s greatest bible expert, the world’s most knowledgeable scientist, and the world’s greatest educational expert, but now we see that he is unsurpassed in compassion.”

    In our Curmudgeon’s haste to rush this to press, he forgot that Ham is also the world’s greatest carnival barker!

  7. These long-winded, detailed instructions do a good job of demonstrating that Hamster and company are principally interested in $ and are less interested in making converts to their primitive desert cult.

  8. At $40 it is vastly overpriced. Get the typical discounted admission you can go to Cedar Point for a few bucks more.
    At an average price per person at $34 (based on 2 adults with 2 kids being the typical visitors) and assuming Hambo gets 2 million/year, you’re looking at $68 million and another $5 million in parking (2 adults and 2 kids per car, though youth groups arrving in buses will skew that lower).

  9. Troy, you beat me to it. I came up with $72.8 million, enough for Ham and his family to retire easily. That doesn’t include his skimming off the museum proceeds either. But I don’t believe they’re going to come anywhere close to 2 million visitors.

  10. I wonder if they can explain how Noah and sons were able to accomplish the same work in a much shorter time period?

  11. How much short of a sell-out for the first 40 days does Ken Ham have to fall before he decides to delay the opening!

    If the opening is delayed, what will he have to do to protect himself from all the bad press from those who fell for the gimmick and planned their vacations around his demanded pre-scheduled, pre-paid visit; just refunding the money wouldn’t cut it.

  12. Ken Ham’s commercial for his theme park (for that’s what his blog post is—a commercial) is one more piece of evidence that he’s a total fraud. He’s turning what he claims is an exhibit of true, Biblical history into a fundamentalist Disneyland and praying all the way to the (Swiss) bank.

  13. Robert Baty:
    “If the opening is delayed, what will he have to do to protect himself from all the bad press from those who fell for the gimmick and planned their vacations around his demanded pre-scheduled, pre-paid visit; just refunding the money wouldn’t cut it.”

    Well, being the shrewd business man that he is, he will make a few extra bucks selling trip insurance. (This insurance will come in handy if it rains for forty days and forty nights.)