The True Origin of Intelligent Design Theory

All this talk of Neanderthals, plus the current effort of the Discoveroids to search for the ancient roots of their wisdom — see The “Ancient Roots” of Intelligent Design — and the lack of other news, have inspired your Curmudgeon to consult his archive of secret lore. There we found this:

It was a dark and stormy night — about 50,000 years ago. Oooooog, a Neanderthal, was crouched in his cave. Squatting beside him was his Neanderthal female, whose name was Booooog. They watched the rain as it lashed the surrounding forest. Oooooog and Booooog were terrified.

Suddenly, a flash of lightning lit up the sky, followed by a loud clap of thunder. “What is that?” asked Booooog. “What causes it?”

Oooooog, who was as frightened and mystified as his mate, nevertheless tried to comfort her by providing an answer. At first, he couldn’t think of anything to say — but then it came to him. He turned to her and said: “It’s a sign from the intelligent designer.”

“What are you talking about?” said Booooog. “That’s the craziest thing I ever heard.”

“It’s the only explanation,” replied Oooooog. “Can you think of anything better?”

Booooog thought for a moment. “No, I guess not. You’re the male; you must be right.”

Impressed by her man’s knowledge, she initiated a night of prehistoric romance. “You are my Oooooogity,” she exclaimed. “And you are my Booooogity,” he responded.

Your ever-discreet Curmudgeon must leave the happy stone-age couple at this point, but now you know, dear reader. That’s how it all began. And once it got started, it never died. To this day, the intellectual heirs of Oooooog and Booooog are continuing that proud tradition.

Copyright © 2016. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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15 responses to “The True Origin of Intelligent Design Theory

  1. So glad you’re still discrete, ST — but I think you might have meant discreet 😉

  2. Arcy says: “I think you might have meant discreet”

    Aaaargh!! It’s all fixed now. Thanks.

  3. The Curm is cautious in every instance. Discretely discreet.

  4. By “disCrete,” I thought he meant “leaving Greece’s largest island.”

  5. This is very depressing. I write a literary masterpiece, and all you guys can talk about is a typo.

  6. Ceteris Paribus

    “Typo”? Possibly SC had intended to tell us that Neanderthals had Type O blood?

  7. Charles Deetz ;)

    “a loud clap of thunder. “What is that?” asked Booooog. “What causes it?””
    List of thunder gods – Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  8. The Curmudgeon:
    “This is very depressing. I write a literary masterpiece, and all you guys can talk about is a typo.”

    We expect no less than perfection from The Great Master.

  9. Although you must admit, “great literary masterpiece” is stretching it a bit.

  10. But Curmy, how could you possibly know what transpired amongst the pre-literate Neanderthals?

    …Unless…no! Is it possible?

    Curmy, were you there?!

  11. Cyano de Bacteregerac

    Maybe it’s because you ended your great literary masterpiece just before the really interesting part. /hubbahubba

  12. I have now had opportunity to consult my own copy of Infallible Scripture and am shocked–shocked!–to discover that our Curmudgeon has presented an heretical distortion of THE TRVTH, which is as follows:

    When Booooog asked Oooooog about the terrifying lightening, he at once confessed, “Jeepers, I don’t know, either! But we need to find out!”

    But their conversation was overheard by a third Neanderthal who was passing by, one Haaaaaaaaaam, who at once stopped and proclaimed, “No worries, mate, I have the answer to that question–and to all questions! It was revealed to me by the Great Sky Daddy Himself, who knows everything!”

    “That’s wonderful!” cried Oooooog. “Please, O wise stranger, tell us the answer!”

    “Whoa, just hang on there a minute, sport!” said Haaaaaaaaaam. “I can’t just go larikin about revealing all the Great Secrets of the Sky Daddy! They are only for the True Believers, the Pure of Heart, the Confessors of their Own Sins, the–”

    “Tell us, please,” begged Oooooog, “what we must do to be worthy of this knowledge?”

    “Well…” mused Haaaaaaaaaam, “it’s an expensive business of mine, this carrying the secrets of the Sky Daddy. But maybe, just maybe, if you proved your devotion by a little contribution to my arduous labours, that would be bonzer!”

    “Contribution? What kind of contribution?”

    “What have you got?” replied Haaaaaaaaaam. “Any shell trinkets or semi-precious stones? Maybe some gourds filled with honey? For something like that, I could give you the answer to LIfe, Truth, the Universe and Everything.”

    But Oooooog looked forlornly around his cave and said, “I don’t have anthing like that at all. In fact, all I’ve got is a handful of rocks.”

    Haaaaaaaaaam picked up the rocks, turning them over in his hands a few times before noticing a small vein of gold running through them. “…Well, I dunno. These aren’t worth even a week’s worth of wisdom from my store of Answers in Gneisses.” But then, casting his eyes on Booooog, he added, “But maybe, if you threw in the sheila as well?…”

  13. SC: “And once it got started, it never died.”

    Unfortunately O and B’s own story did not have as happy an ending as their “theory.” One night B asked O “So when did it all begin?” O paused to think, “my dad was the oldest person I know, and he told me lived through 3 pairs of hands of winters. That was just before he died 4 fingers ago. So that must be the beginning.” B said, “My dad was not that old, but he often spoke of his dad. What if his dad also had a mom and dad, and so on. Maybe it started many many hands before that.” O said “nonsense, I believe what I was told and that’s that.” B replied, “look at our wolf, he has 2 eyes, 2 ears, one nose, one mouth, etc., just like us, Maybe if we go back far enough his parents, yours and mine are the same individuals, wouldn’t that be nice? He is like my son, you know.” O, horrified, objected, “No way! I don’t come from no wolf!” The next day they broke up, found other mates and never spoke to each other again.

  14. It’s almost not worth the effort to debate creationists, since they cannot be persuaded by facts or reason, or even by the two combined.

    Almost. But refusing to debate them lets them claim you’re afraid to because you know they’re right. And that hands them a victory by default they can use to pull in the gullible, of whom there is never a shortage.

  15. The worth in debating creationists is in the effect it has on the uncommitted. Most people are not followers of a creationist. Yet they will think that the creationist has something to say if it goes unchallenged. I will not refer to those as being “gullible”. If someone with a Ph.D. says that entropy shows that evolution is impossible, why shouldn’t they think that that makes sense, if there is no one around to explain in clear language why it doesn’t work that way, then why not?