Self-Published Genius #44: The Missionary

To temporarily satisfy your craving, dear reader, we have another addition to our series about Self-Published Geniuses, where we bring you news of authors with a vanity press book in which the author claims to have made paradigm-shattering discoveries, and announces his work by hiring a press release service.

This author’s press release is titled New Xulon Book Explores The Real Meaning of Being Human Through The Creator’s Plan And Purpose Of One’s Creation, sub-titled “Gordon H. Hurlburt wants to help make humanity the marvelous thing that God intended it to be from the very beginning.” It was issued by PR Web, which describes itself as “the leader in online news distribution and publicity.”

In addition to the press release, we need more to confirm that the book qualifies for our collection. Was it published by a vanity press? Oh yeah! The title mentions Xulon. Their website, Xulon Press, leaves no doubt. It says:

Xulon Press is the largest, most experienced Christian owned and operated print-on-demand self publisher of Christian books. So if you’re a Christian author looking for a Christian self publishing company, join the thousands of Christian authors who have chosen Xulon Press.

This looks very promising. We’ve got a vanity press book and we’ve got the author’s press release. Let’s find out what it says, with some bold font added by us for emphasis:

Within the pages of Gordon H. Hurlburt’s new book, UNIQUELY HUMAN – What Our Humanity REALLY Looks Like, … the author answers the question, “What is personhood really all about?” That is a question about which there is perhaps an all-time level of confusion. Is humanity simply the product of long ages of evolution?

Fascinating! This is the book’s listing at Amazon: UNIQUELY HUMAN. It’s 100 pages long and costs only $10.99 in paperback! There are no reviews yet. Returning to the press release, we’re told:

The author believes that in a world of mass confusion about the real meaning of being human, readers need to consider the Creator’s plan and purpose for creating them. He stresses that evolution says that humans are only highly evolved animals. Secular humanism treats people as “gods” within their own world, eliminating the need for any Supreme Being outside of oneself. Both these views lead ultimately to the vast majority of the problems that humans struggle with in the world. A major solution to these problems will be found as readers come to understand something of God’s perspective in creation.

Amazing — that evolution stuff is the source of our problems! Let’s read on:

“I hope readers will gain a new appreciation for our humanity as the Bible presents it, despite the many reasons for discouragement over our many failures,” states the author. “My book provides the Biblical basis for a true recognition of the value of our humanity, as the Bible presents it.”

We know you’re wondering: Who is this brilliant author? The press release says:

Gordon H. Hurlburt was born of missionary parents in the former Belgian Congo. After graduating from Biola College (now University) in Los Angeles with a BA in Christian Education, he served in Kenya and England, in missionary ministry among people originally from India. Gordon later served with Children’s Bible Ministries here in the USA. He is now retired and lives in Florida. … He also has more than 60 years of reading and studying the Bible and appreciates its reliability and its relevance to the modern world and its needs.

Isn’t that wonderful? This book contains the author’s unique insights gained from a life spent in the position of a missionary. There’s no doubt about it, dear reader. This is the book you’ve been waiting for.

Your Curmudgeon is pleased to have brought you this information.

Copyright © 2016. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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10 responses to “Self-Published Genius #44: The Missionary

  1. “…readers need to consider the Creator’s plan and purpose for creating them.”

    I thought sex was responsible, guess not. Also, this book could have readily been printed by the Dishonesty Institute’s own vanity press and gotten their backing to boot.

  2. Nous n’avons pas besoin de cette hypothèse, Gordon. Pardon my French, which may not be quite correct.

  3. May this be a comforting though, Abeastwood: your handling of French is vastly superior to Gordon’s handling of Evolution Theory, humanism and likely a few other things.

  4. My goodness, what commitment, humility, and single-minded focus! Well, single…something focus, though I’m not exactly sure what at this point in the analysis and data collection stage. I enthusiastically welcome any/all curmudgeonly disciples (just kidding) to assist me in this most righteous and spiritually enlightened endeavor to discover the true cognitive superconductor of this preeminent expert on the human condition.

    But how did I glean this holy man’s preeminence, you ask? Cans’t thou not read, you unwashed philistines? Such arrogant dismissal of the single most overwhelming piece of EMPIRICAL evidence which directly points to his encyclopedic knowledge of our true purpose, validating that his word is bond, yo! (Can I get a shout out to DJ Yahweh and MC Messiah, delivering the Good News…which oddly enough doesn’t appear in ANY other historical record of that time…okay, shout out time is OVER, you petulant children of the LORD).

    Anyway…the proof is in the puddin’: our author has been puddin’ over 60 years of study of the Chistian bible–THE most valuable and EMPIRICALLY reliable reference text of purpose-driven action in the 6,000 years we have been here. In case you couldn’t do the math yourselves, that’s: six-zero years; 720 months; 3,120 weeks; 21,900 days (yes, you better believe I’m going there, buckos); 489,600 hours; 29,376,000 minutes; and–yeah get ready for it, you heathens who live like you have no cares in the world with your whoring, health care, and overall embrace of human existence–1,762,560,000 seconds(!) of relentless, humble, quiet, and ultimately revelatory study of…a…SINGLE…book. Um…uh-oh.

    As the esteemed pundit from the original, 1975 cast of Saturday Night Live, Roseanne Rosanna Danna would say, “nevermind. Bitches.”

    (Typical religious drone–60 years studying one ****ing book? Spoiler alert! He gets hung out to dry, literally, at Golgotha, but–oh my word, after three days his daddy who is him raises his own self son from the dead! Bet you didn’t see THAT coming!)

  5. That he can say “He stresses that evolution says that humans are only highly evolved animals.” clearly shows he knows nothing about evolution. Heck, fleas are highly evolved animals and sharks have been evolving for much longer than have we. He seems to be thinking that evolution was directed somehow at making humans; I wonder where he got that idea?

  6. Derek Freyberg

    “Isn’t that wonderful? This book contains the author’s unique insights gained from a life spent in the position of a missionary. There’s no doubt about it, dear reader. This is the book you’ve been waiting for.
    Your Curmudgeon is pleased to have brought you this information.”

    It would have been even more pleasing if our Curmudgeon had reviewed a book that “contained the author’s unique insights gained from a life spent in the missionary position” (to mangle a title from Christopher Hitchens).

  7. Eric Lipps

    I’ll refrain from any jokes about the “missionary position,” since I’ve been beaten to the punch there. However, I can’t help feeling that people like the IDiots at the Discovery Institute would quietly tiptoe away from Uniquely Human, since it’s embarrassingly honest about the religious, rather than scientific, basis for Mr. Hurlburt’s support for creationism. If the Discoids want to credibly masquerade as actual scientific researchers, peddling this book wouldn’t help. I eagerly await news of their response, or lack of response, to the publication of this doorstop.

  8. michaelfugate

    From the press release: ” He credits writing this book to a lifetime of observing the world and its ways of thinking – with both positive and negative results.”

    The world thinks? Pantheism? Gaia Hypothesis?
    Does that even make sense?

  9. michaelfugate: Of course the world thinks. In fact, right now I’m sure it’s thinking “How did I happen to get all these creationist nincompoops running around on my surface!”

  10. michaelfugate

    What negative results have occurred due to his observing the world and its thinking?