Creationist Jokes — Free Fire Zone

Professors lied

The First of April is coming, less than two weeks from now. Your Curmudgeon is already hard at work preparing something special. Meanwhile, in the absence of amusing news, we present for your enjoyment two old Jack Chick comics — both on Noah’s Ark:

The first is Killer Storm. After that, you won’t want to miss It’s Coming. That’s the source of the pic above this post.

But that’s not all — we’ve got a joke for you. Dracula, the Wolfman, and Mary Lou Bruner walk into a bar. “Hey,” said the bartender, “get her out of here! This is a classy place!”

Think you can do better? Very well then, we’re declaring this to be an Intellectual Free Fire Zone. We’re open for the discussion of pretty much anything — science, politics, economics, whatever — as long as it’s tasteful and interesting. Banter, babble, bicker, bluster, blubber, blather, blab, blurt, burble, boast — say what you will. But avoid flame-wars and beware of the profanity filters.

Okay, the comment section is open — have at it!

Copyright © 2016. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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17 responses to “Creationist Jokes — Free Fire Zone

  1. John Oliver’s (late night TV comedian) take on Mary Lou Bruner is funny.

    See it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AEBzu7uqlHU
    Her part starts at 2:30 but all of it good.

  2. I followed the link to Jack Chick’s work and it never fails to amaze me how apologists can blow holes in creationists thinking. In Mr. Chick’s “tract” he has his bible thumper say “God was sorry He created man because sin had corrupted the entire human race.” Say what? God was sorry? For what? His mistake? OMG, Jack Chick thinks that God is not perfect, that he makes mistakes, and then feels remorse. This is a sensible conclusion because after God kills all of the humans and all of the land animals in the Great Flood, He promises to never do it again! We know when somebody promises, that they really mean it!

    Would God be bound by any promise? Would God make mistakes? Who created sin, in the first place? (If you say Satan, then who created Satan?) And because of these obvious fairy tales, Christians must oppose evolution, geology, climate change, and common sense because … Bible.

    Amazing, absolutely effing amazing!

  3. All right, in honor of the Free Fire Zone I will share something.

    According to mainstream science, the earth formed some 4.5 billion years ago. Of course, those who have added up the begats in the Good Book know that it is actually only 6,000 years old.

    Proportionally, the two figures are like 80 years compared to slightly less than one hour.

    Thus let us imagine a bright, sunny day in Kentucky. Ken Ham and our misguided hero, the Rationalist, are sitting on a bench observing what SEEMS to be an old, bent, grayhaired man of about 80. Ham, however, has an important insight to share:

    KEN HAM: That man may look old, but I can tell you that he has been with us for less than an hour! Amazing, isn’t it?

    RATIONALIST: What?! Are you saying that the old, wrinkled man over there was born less than 60 minutes ago?

    HAM: Yes!

    RATIONALIST: But look at him! He isn’t a new-born baby! He is fully grown, even decripit!

    HAM: Ah, so you think you can deduce something about his age based on observational science?

    RATIONALIST: Ehr … yes?

    HAM: I’m sorry, but to know something about the past, like when this man was born, you have to apply historical science instead. You can’t make the leap from observational science just like that. You may be well-meaning, but _were you there_ when he was born?

    RATIONALIST: No … ?

    HAM: Exactly! You can’t really know how old this man is, for you weren’t there! Luckily, I have a revelation from God that tells me this man is less than an hour old!

    RATIONALIST: A revelation?!

    HAM: Yes! [Triumphantly produces a paper with the words: THE MAN YOU SEE IS LESS THAN AN HOUR OLD. EVERYTHING WRITTEN ON THIS PAPER IS TRUE. YOURS, GOD.]

    RATIONALIST: But … that is just some words on a paper!

    HAM: What?! Are you doubting the very Word of God, which is always true?

    RATIONALIST: How do you know it’s true and that it really comes from God?

    HAM: Why, it says so on the paper that it is true! And it is signed by God! What more evidence do you need? Wouldn’t God know what is true? Do you call God a liar?

    RATIONALIST: Seriously, look at that man over there! He is old, wrinkled, toothless! He wasn’t born one hour ago!

    HAM: This is really a matter of authority. You take as your starting-point the uncertain and ever-changing word of man, which says that a seemingly fully-grown man can’t be born less than an hour ago. However, when you use the Word of God [holds up paper] as your starting-point, you will reach different conclusions about the past.

    RATIONALIST: Ham, for goodness’ sake, look at the guy! NO WAY he is less than an hour old! Have you ever heard of a fully-grown, white-haired man who is one hour old?!

    HAM: I understand that you hold to the unconfirmed and unverifiable philosophy of uniformitarianism. Just because people typically age at a certain rate in the present, you improperly assume that this must always be so. Engaging in historical science with this obviously highly uncertain starting-point, you extrapolate a fabulously great age for this man, even though the Word of God tells us that he is less than an hour old.

    RATIONALIST: But how, for heaven’s sake HOW, could he be so young?!

    HAM: Everything will be explained in this great theme park I am currently building, complete with entirely relevant animatronic dinosaurs, so please come and visit. But there are many ways this could have happened. God, for his own purposes, may have created this man with the appearance of age!

    RATIONALIST: Oh, so it’s a miracle?

    HAM (sighs): Clearly you start with an atheist and naturalist bias that rules out the entirely reasonable explanation that this man was created by God with the appearance of age. However, deep in your heart you know that God exists, but as Paul says in Romans, you are ‘suppressing the truth in unrighteousness’.

    RATIONALIST: Listen, we aren’t debating the existence of God! I am asking how an old, bent, fully-grown man can possibly be less than an hour old?!

    HAM: This is really a spiritual issue, not a scientific one. After all, we both have exactly the same evidence. We are looking at the same man, but when we use the Word of God [holds up paper again] as our starting-point, we can know that he is really less than an hour old. Then we will not be overly troubled just because secular, atheist scientists may claim that he is older.

    RATIONALIST: [Just stares at Ham, speechless.]

    HAM: Be honest with yourself! As I said, this is really a spiritual issue. Is it not true that you reject what the Word of God tells us about the age of this man simply because you want to be free to live an immoral life? You want to sleep around, get drunk, do drugs, lie, steal and cheat. You may pretend to yourself that you have some good ‘scientific’ reason to reject the Word of God, but actually you just want to give in to the sinful desires of your fallen flesh. Therefore you don’t want there to be a God you have to answer to!

    RATIONALIST [rises]: I give up! I’m outta here!

    HAM: Don’t forget to visit my theme park! Please bring along your whole family! You’ll learn all about how observational science differs from historical science, and there will be zip-lines, too! The park opens this summer!

    RATIONALIST: Heck, maybe I and my entire family will just happen to age 80 years over the next hour, and then we will all be dust long before your park opens!

  4. Well done, H. K. Fauskanger.

  5. Q: How many Creationists does it take to change a lightbulb?

    A: None. Creationists like to sit in the dark and wait for the Intelligent Designer to proclaim, “Fiat lux!”

    Alternative Answer: None. Apart from “microevolution”, Creationists don’t believe in change.

  6. (Assuming a future where creationists gain real political power in the US)

    Q: What did Americans light their homes with before candles?

    A: Electricity.

  7. @H.K. Fauskanger

    Absolutely splendid — many thanks!

  8. I wonder whether someone can exploit the similarity in numbers of the years of the age of the universe and dollars in the fortune of a Bill Gates. And $6,000 being an amount that we can grasp.
    No one has ever seen a fortune of billions of dollars. it isn’t like Uncle Scrooge McDuck’s.

  9. Recently, there has been a computer victory in the game of go against perhaps the best human go player.

    I wonder whether a computer will be able to make a contribution to Wikipedia.

    Or to this blog?

  10. I love how Jack Chick uses “Dr.” Kent Hovind as a reference.
    It seems the clincher in “It’s coming” is the fossilized sea life on top of mountains. Couldn’t Janet just offer a rebuttal that mountain building from plate tectonics push former sea beds up top?

  11. A paleontologist walks into a creationist bar, and says “Got any transitional fossils?”
    The bartender says ” No” Of course not.”

    A paleontologist walks into a creationist bar, and says “Got any transitional fossils?”
    The bartender says, “I already told you, we don’t have any transitional fossils.”

    A paleontologist walks into a creationist bar, and says “Got any transitional fossils?”
    The bartender says,”HEY, PROFESSOR WE DON’T HAVE ANY TRANSITIONAL FOSSILS”

    A paleontologist walks into a creationist bar, and says “Got any transitional fossils?”
    The bartender says, “,WE DON’T HAVE ANY TRANSITIONAL FOSSILS, WE WILL NEVER HAVE TRANSITIONAL FOSSILS, AND IF YOU ASK ME THAT QUESTION ONE MORE TIME, I WILL NAIL YOUR BUTT TO THE BAR!”

    A paleontologist walks into a creationist bar, and says “Got any nails ?”
    The creationist says “No.”

    “Got any transitional fossils?”

  12. @och will

    If you’re going to be here all next week, I’ll make a point of buying tickets.

    Well, perhaps not buying, but . . .

  13. One of the early things one learns when dealing with creationism is: verify, verify, verify.

  14. A bad joke, but almost certainly a dramatization of many true stories:

    Creationist 1: You really believe that life is billions of years old?
    Creationist 2: Of course. Even most Genesis literalists don’t take “day” literally.
    Creationist 1: You really believe that humans are related to dogs and cats!?
    Creationist 2: Of course. it’s absurd to deny common descent in light of multiple lines of independent evidence.
    Creationist 1: So you’re really a Darwinist!!!??
    Creationist 2: Of course not. Life is too complex to arise by chance. Besides, I have 1000 cool arguments against evolution. Yeah, most are nonsense, and many contradict each other, but they can fool a majority.
    Creationist 1. Thank God! Hey, I hear there’s free beer under that big tent. The password to get in is “don’t ask, don’t tell.”

  15. realthog……cheers

  16. Kudos to Jack Chick for drawing a much more biblically correct box than the ship-like thing Ham is building.

  17. A physicist, a philosopher and a Creation Scientist are traveling through a forest when they come to a wide deep stream they need to cross. The physicist carefully studies the swirling surface of the water, looks up at the sun and then shouts, “In the name of Issac Newton, let me cross!”, and does a complicated tiptoe dance across the surface of the stream, arriving at the other side winded but dry.

    The philosopher, who had watched the physicist cross very carefully, shouted “In the name of David Hume, let me cross!” and repeated the complicated dance across the stream, making it to the other side safe and dry.

    All the while the Creation Scientist had been consulting a very old book and muttering under his breath. He whispered “In the name of The Designer let me cross!” and stepped onto the surface of the stream. He immediately plunged under the water. Pulling himself back on to the shore, he repeated his actions, shouting “IN THE NAME OF THE DESIGNER LET ME CROSS!!” and then disappeared under the water a second time.

    On the other side of stream, the philosopher turned to the physicist and said. “Let’s tell him where the rocks are.”