Announcing The Curmudgeon’s Theme Park

Reclining Womn

Today is the day when ol’ Hambo’s Ark Encounter officially opens, and you’ve all been wondering what your Curmudgeon had planned for today. Well, dear reader, what we have is a big announcement.

We decided that if Hambo can make a tourist attraction out of an ark that represents the destruction of virtually all life on Earth, we can create one with a message that is even more inspiring. A SurveyMonkey poll we intend to make is expected to show that our project will be wildly successful, and we anticipate receiving loads of government assistance — cheap land, low property taxes, and kickbacks on sales taxes.

Your Curmudgeon is planning a theme park which will be named Delilah Encounter. That’s right, as in Samson and Delilah.

The principal attraction will be a true-to-scale 1,000-foot long carving of Delilah, reclining. It will be blasted out of a low mountain, using the same techniques that were developed at Mt. Rushmore. This will be not only the largest sculpture of a woman in the world, it will be the biggest sculpture of any kind — bigger than the Sphinx!

Delilah’s posture will be something like that suggested in the painting displayed above (Reclining Woman by Arthur B. Davies from Wikimedia Commons), but she’ll be far more voluptuous. Delilah’s knees will also be raised, but not close together. She’ll be lying on her back with her arms outstretched, and she won’t be reading anything. She won’t be wearing anything either. Her attitude will be … well, inviting, as expected from an infamous temptress.

The space on the ground between her heels and, ah, the rest of her body will be large enough to accommodate a restaurant, with windows from which diners will have a perfect view of — shall we say — a certain part of her body which will be engineered to represent the Gates of Hell, roaring from which can be seen the fires of her desire, reminding visitors of the torments they will endure eternally in the Lake of Fire — if they should succumb to temptation.

The restaurant’s waiters and all other employees at Delilah Encounter will be trained to explain to visitors the evils of the flesh and the blessings of abstinence. They will all have to sign the Curmudgeon’s Statement of Faith. Of course we’ll have a gift shop. And zip lines — so visitors can have an overhead view of Delilah, allowing them to fully appreciate the evil she represents.

We’re seeking your suggestions for other facilities we can add with a similar theme. If we use your ideas, you’ll be given full credit — in the form of a lifetime, unlimited visitor’s ticket to Delilah Encounter. We know you want to be part of this. Who wouldn’t?

This is going to be big, dear reader. And successful! So don’t hold back. We want to hear from you.

Copyright © 2016. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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22 responses to “Announcing The Curmudgeon’s Theme Park

  1. Yes! Put me down for $1000 worth of Curmudgeon’s Stark Encounter ™ Junk DNA Bonds to help finance this worthy and inspirational venture! Will that cover the cost of her left patella?

  2. Your park wouldn’t be complete without a Heavy Petting Zoo.

  3. Dave Godfrey

    Surely you have to provide a barber’s shop so that male visitors can experience a strength-sapping haircut.

  4. I am hoping that, among the many E-Ticket attractions, there will be the Parasites of the Nether Regions Ride, featuring many animatronic Pthirus pubis dancing and singing

  5. We remind you of something we posted last year: Uranus Park Will Compete with Ark Encounter.

  6. The zip lines should be made of braided hair. There should also be a pitch dark thrill ride that simulates having your eyes gouged out and a temple crashing down on your head.

  7. The Delilah Encounter will certainly be an educational and uplifting experience for straight men, but I fear, Curmy, you have once again overlooked women as well as the LGBT community.

    So you’re going to need to add a towering Mightyhorn Bobheads Ride for the sake of your worthy ministry’s outreach.

  8. Sandra proposes

    a pitch dark thrill ride that simulates having your eyes gouged out and a temple crashing down on your head

    But Hambo’s already done that. He calls it ‘The Creation Museum’

  9. Don’t forget the mountain climbers and free climbers. They will want to scale the various mounds of Delilah’s spectacular anatomy. What a great way to get “stoned”. Sign me up!

  10. Eric Lipps

    The frightening thing is that the Ark Park, supported by Ark pork tax breaks, might actually make money, which (after a hefty percentage is carved off to allow Ken Ham to live in the style to which he hopes to become accustomed) will be plowed back into supporting creationist lobbying and, ahem, “research.”

  11. Biokid appears to be missing the point:

    Don’t forget the mountain climbers and free climbers. They will want to scale the various mounds of Delilah’s spectacular anatomy.

    But the purpose of the Delilah Encounter is emphatically not to encourage such carnal longings, but to deflect sinners onto the Path of Righteousness and Salvation.

    That’s why the giant areolae are in fact minefields, and the whole structure lactates hydrocholoric acid. Curmy’s ministry fully supports the War on Dugs.

  12. Megalonyx says: “But the purpose of the Delilah Encounter is emphatically not to encourage such carnal longings, but to deflect sinners onto the Path of Righteousness and Salvation.”

    Indeed. There will be many toxic features incorporated into every part of the fornicatrix, and visitors will receive appropriate warnings.

  13. Should help with the cash flow that the opening ‘day’ is 40 days and 40 nights!! 🙂

  14. No doubt Tom Jones will provide the theme song:

    I’d love to hear our dear SC blasting this out from the speakers hidden in Delilah’s sensual mouth.

  15. Creationist Ken Ham makes unmarried Noah’s Ark employees sign chastity vows before hiring them.
    http://www.rawstory.com/2016/06/creationist-ken-ham-makes-unmarried-noahs-ark-employees-sign-chastity-vows-before-hiring-them/
    Egad, what’s next?

  16. And here’s American United’s take on Ham’s opening day:
    A Flood Of Nonsense: Ken Ham’s False Dichotomy
    http://www.au.org/blogs/wall-of-separation/a-flood-of-nonsense-ken-ham-s-false-dichotomy

  17. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Q75QBFAAjk this is a link to a musical/comedic spoof of Ham’s claims for Noah, titled “Ark Park Theme Song.”

  18. Images are now coming in from the glorious opening of the Ark Park. Doesn’t look terribly crowded, honestly. Ham apparently expected an enormous influx, so he decided that the ark would be open day and night for the first 40 days of operation. We’ll see.

    On the Facebook page, they were streaming video of Ham interviewing random guests. One woman said it was like a Christian Disneyland. She apparently intended it as a compliment.

  19. mnb0 states:

    No doubt Tom Jones will provide the theme song

    YES! Very appropriate! Considering that that song is about a woman who cheats on her beau, and how he appropriately responds by cutting her down with a knife, THIS is PERFECT! Men could be given knives to stab Delilah in her evil bosom as they zip line overhead.

  20. After the ArkPark honeymoon’s over: