Today is the day when ol’ Hambo’s Ark Encounter officially opens, and you’ve all been wondering what your Curmudgeon had planned for today. Well, dear reader, what we have is a big announcement.
We decided that if Hambo can make a tourist attraction out of an ark that represents the destruction of virtually all life on Earth, we can create one with a message that is even more inspiring. A SurveyMonkey poll we intend to make is expected to show that our project will be wildly successful, and we anticipate receiving loads of government assistance — cheap land, low property taxes, and kickbacks on sales taxes.
Your Curmudgeon is planning a theme park which will be named Delilah Encounter. That’s right, as in Samson and Delilah.
The principal attraction will be a true-to-scale 1,000-foot long carving of Delilah, reclining. It will be blasted out of a low mountain, using the same techniques that were developed at Mt. Rushmore. This will be not only the largest sculpture of a woman in the world, it will be the biggest sculpture of any kind — bigger than the Sphinx!
Delilah’s posture will be something like that suggested in the painting displayed above (Reclining Woman by Arthur B. Davies from Wikimedia Commons), but she’ll be far more voluptuous. Delilah’s knees will also be raised, but not close together. She’ll be lying on her back with her arms outstretched, and she won’t be reading anything. She won’t be wearing anything either. Her attitude will be … well, inviting, as expected from an infamous temptress.
The space on the ground between her heels and, ah, the rest of her body will be large enough to accommodate a restaurant, with windows from which diners will have a perfect view of — shall we say — a certain part of her body which will be engineered to represent the Gates of Hell, roaring from which can be seen the fires of her desire, reminding visitors of the torments they will endure eternally in the Lake of Fire — if they should succumb to temptation.
The restaurant’s waiters and all other employees at Delilah Encounter will be trained to explain to visitors the evils of the flesh and the blessings of abstinence. They will all have to sign the Curmudgeon’s Statement of Faith. Of course we’ll have a gift shop. And zip lines — so visitors can have an overhead view of Delilah, allowing them to fully appreciate the evil she represents.
We’re seeking your suggestions for other facilities we can add with a similar theme. If we use your ideas, you’ll be given full credit — in the form of a lifetime, unlimited visitor’s ticket to Delilah Encounter. We know you want to be part of this. Who wouldn’t?
This is going to be big, dear reader. And successful! So don’t hold back. We want to hear from you.
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