Oh No — It’s the End of the World!

It is our sad duty to inform you that the End of the World may be fast approaching. As usual, the government and the press are trying to keep everything calm, but the frightful news is out there — if you know where to look.

At the website of TV station KFVS, the CBS affiliate in Cape Girardeau, Missouri, we found this headline: Doomsayers: Planet X will destroy Earth this December. Here are some excerpts, with bold font added by us for emphasis:

Brace yourselves for the end of the world again. It’s on the internet, so it must be true. This time, the culprit is the rogue planet Nibiru, aka Planet X, whose erratic orbit will bring it close enough to our planet to mess everything up totally and kill almost all the life, according to 187,000 websites that pop up if you Google “Nibiru December 2016.”

This was supposed to happen four years ago, when we posted Less Than Two Weeks Left Until Doomsday, but apparently there was a miscalculation. The news story continues:

Nibiru, they say, is 10 times as big as Earth and has a long, skinny elliptical orbit that takes it way out yonder beyond Pluto. But once every several thousand years, it comes barreling back toward the sun and bounces through the solar system like a bull in a china shop.

This doesn’t look good! After that they tells us:

The frenzy started last January when a couple of astronomy guys said they might have found a ninth planet about three times as far away as Pluto. They named it “Planet Nine,” displaying a complete lack of imagination. The alleged planet has never been directly observed and it has approximately zero things in common with the mythical Nibiru. But the Nibiru people went wild and lit up the web with claims of a global cover-up of its impending world-destroying arrival. 2016 is almost over, so the doomsayer buzz is reaching a crescendo, calling this December the zero hour for the mother of all cataclysms.

Wikipedia has an article on the Nibiru cataclysm. They say:

The idea that a planet-sized object will collide with or closely pass by Earth in the near future is not supported by any scientific evidence and has been rejected by astronomers and planetary scientists as pseudoscience and an Internet hoax

It’s sweet that they’re all trying to avoid panic with their skeptical style of writing, but it isn’t working. Let’s get back to the story from station KFVS:

The Nibiru prophets are batting a solid .000 so far, dating back to 2003, 2007, 2012 and last December, along with April, July and September of this year. But internet fear-mongers have a good feeling about the latest ETA, what with all this year’s earthquakes, hurricanes, tsunamis, droughts, fires, volcanoes and assorted other signs of the apocalypse.

But this time they could be right! Hey — we found another story on this. It’s in London’s Daily Express. Their headline is SHOCK CLAIM: Elite preparing for Nibiru apocalypse NEXT YEAR but the rest of us are DOOMED, and they say, with our bold font:

World leaders are planning to hide out in bunkers next year to escape the doom a gigantic planet will cause as it passes the Earth, according to a crackpot conspiracy theory.

Calling it a “crackpot conspiracy theory” is supposed to make us feel better, but it doesn’t. Let’s read on:

One base is being developed beneath the Rocky Mountains in the US, according to Robert Vicino, head of the survival firm Vivos. But he said no members of public will be allowed in and will have to fend for themselves. Mr Vicino made the shock claims as he warned of an impending apocalypse. He said: “They do not have a plan for you and me, but they have a plan for themselves.”

Typical of politicians! One last excerpt:

He [Vicino] said: “No government in the world is going to tell you about something life threatening unless they have a solution for you because otherwise its going to cause social meltdown. “People that think its crazy are the ones who have not spent any time doing research.”

The only thing we’re confused about is whether The End is coming this year or next. Taking no chances, we bid you farewell, and and declare the comments section to be used for what may be our last Intellectual Free Fire Zone. And of course, we close with this:

Thats all folks

Copyright © 2016. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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13 responses to “Oh No — It’s the End of the World!

  1. “Oh No — It’s the End of the World!”

    What, again???

    Armageddon tired of this crap!

  2. Every year, some crackpot says the world is ending, and every time they say so, it doesn’t end. Don’t they learn?

  3. “… This time, the culprit is the rogue planet Nibiru, aka Planet X, whose erratic orbit will bring it close enough to our planet to mess everything up totally and kill almost all the life, according to 187,000 websites that pop up if you Google “Nibiru December 2016.”

    Sounds a bit like a tongue in cheekish letter to me. Maybe it’s meant to be like a Trump tweet! Same level of credibility.

  4. Our Curmudgeon alerts us that

    the government and the press are trying to keep everything calm, but the frightful news is out there — if you know where to look.

    Indeed! Only by rigorously eschewing the fell MSM (with all its libtard communistical crony capitalist distortions), and by keeping myself informed solely by a strict diet of Reddit, WND, 4Chan, 8Chan, Wikileaks, Free Republic, Breitbart &c. &c., I for one was already fully aware of the fearful approach of Nibiru – the rogue planet on which the current incumbent of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave was born and raised before his vile mission to Earth to burn flags wrapped around God-fearing Christians, make gay marriages compulsory on all schoolchildren, abolish Christmas and Arbor Day celebrations, flay puppy dogs alive, nuke Disneyland, and flood the country with Nibiruan migrant rapists, paedophiles, and litterbugs.

    But mercifully, those same sources bid me: fear not! For lo and behold, verily here cometh the Fearless Leader of the Latter-Day Luddites, who is faster than that bleeding bullsh*t! More glower-full than a loco emoji! Able to grope Hollywood starlets with a single hand!

    Look! Up in the sky! It’s absurd!
    It’s insane!
    It’s SuperTrump!

    Yes, it’s SuperTrump!, orange realtor from a previous century who came to birth with towers and an inheritance far beyond those of mortal men. SuperTrump!, who can channel the force of benighted voters, bend facts with his bare lies. And who, disguised as Cluck Bent, vile-mannered investor in a faux ‘university’ con-game, fights a never ending battle for Loot, Ruckus and Making Asteroids Go Away! #MAGA

  5. I was worried for a moment. But then the first article said that Nibiru “bounces through the solar system like a bull in a china shop.” and I breathed a huge sigh of relief.

  6. Since end of the world prophets are always wrong, reverse logic suggests if they ever stopped prophesying we would be in big trouble! You heard it here first!

  7. I thought the eminent scientist and all-round great thinker and former Presidential candidate, Gary Johnson, summed it up best when discussing climate change by pointing out, correctly, that eventually the Sun will expand and engulf the earth in fire, flames, brimstone and all that stuff. So we are toast, anyway. Literally!

  8. Holding the Line in Florida

    Okay, Being 60, I have survived the end of the world probably 60 times already. I suspect mightily I will survive this one too!

  9. On the plus we won’t have to endure four years of Trump as President.

  10. If Nibiru is 9 times the size of Earth and it’s supposed to do us in this month, it would be visible to the unaided eye by now — no scientists with their big telescopes needed. No one has reported seeing it, so it looks like the Nibiruists are waiting for Godot — again.

  11. Someone who says that naming a body “Planet 9” takes no imagination has not seen many bad movies.

  12. Techreseller

    I want to go over to the believer’s houses and check out their wine cellar. Say, if we are going to die next month, let’s dry these bottles. I will help.