It is our sad duty to inform you that the End of the World may be fast approaching. As usual, the government and the press are trying to keep everything calm, but the frightful news is out there — if you know where to look.
At the website of TV station KFVS, the CBS affiliate in Cape Girardeau, Missouri, we found this headline: Doomsayers: Planet X will destroy Earth this December. Here are some excerpts, with bold font added by us for emphasis:
Brace yourselves for the end of the world again. It’s on the internet, so it must be true. This time, the culprit is the rogue planet Nibiru, aka Planet X, whose erratic orbit will bring it close enough to our planet to mess everything up totally and kill almost all the life, according to 187,000 websites that pop up if you Google “Nibiru December 2016.”
This was supposed to happen four years ago, when we posted Less Than Two Weeks Left Until Doomsday, but apparently there was a miscalculation. The news story continues:
Nibiru, they say, is 10 times as big as Earth and has a long, skinny elliptical orbit that takes it way out yonder beyond Pluto. But once every several thousand years, it comes barreling back toward the sun and bounces through the solar system like a bull in a china shop.
This doesn’t look good! After that they tells us:
The frenzy started last January when a couple of astronomy guys said they might have found a ninth planet about three times as far away as Pluto. They named it “Planet Nine,” displaying a complete lack of imagination. The alleged planet has never been directly observed and it has approximately zero things in common with the mythical Nibiru. But the Nibiru people went wild and lit up the web with claims of a global cover-up of its impending world-destroying arrival. 2016 is almost over, so the doomsayer buzz is reaching a crescendo, calling this December the zero hour for the mother of all cataclysms.
Wikipedia has an article on the Nibiru cataclysm. They say:
The idea that a planet-sized object will collide with or closely pass by Earth in the near future is not supported by any scientific evidence and has been rejected by astronomers and planetary scientists as pseudoscience and an Internet hoax
It’s sweet that they’re all trying to avoid panic with their skeptical style of writing, but it isn’t working. Let’s get back to the story from station KFVS:
The Nibiru prophets are batting a solid .000 so far, dating back to 2003, 2007, 2012 and last December, along with April, July and September of this year. But internet fear-mongers have a good feeling about the latest ETA, what with all this year’s earthquakes, hurricanes, tsunamis, droughts, fires, volcanoes and assorted other signs of the apocalypse.
But this time they could be right! Hey — we found another story on this. It’s in London’s Daily Express. Their headline is SHOCK CLAIM: Elite preparing for Nibiru apocalypse NEXT YEAR but the rest of us are DOOMED, and they say, with our bold font:
World leaders are planning to hide out in bunkers next year to escape the doom a gigantic planet will cause as it passes the Earth, according to a crackpot conspiracy theory.
Calling it a “crackpot conspiracy theory” is supposed to make us feel better, but it doesn’t. Let’s read on:
One base is being developed beneath the Rocky Mountains in the US, according to Robert Vicino, head of the survival firm Vivos. But he said no members of public will be allowed in and will have to fend for themselves. Mr Vicino made the shock claims as he warned of an impending apocalypse. He said: “They do not have a plan for you and me, but they have a plan for themselves.”
Typical of politicians! One last excerpt:
He [Vicino] said: “No government in the world is going to tell you about something life threatening unless they have a solution for you because otherwise its going to cause social meltdown. “People that think its crazy are the ones who have not spent any time doing research.”
The only thing we’re confused about is whether The End is coming this year or next. Taking no chances, we bid you farewell, and and declare the comments section to be used for what may be our last Intellectual Free Fire Zone. And of course, we close with this:
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