Today’s letter-to-the-editor appears in The Times of Apalachicola, Florida, on the shore of Apalachicola Bay, an inlet of the Gulf of Mexico. It’s right in the middle of that enchanted region we’ve been calling The Florida Ark. The Florida what? According to the Curmudgeon’s Glossary:
The Florida Ark is that concave stretch of coast — an arc, get it? — starting at the Alabama border and then sweeping down the shore of the Gulf of Mexico all the way to Tampa, and a bit beyond. This blessed region is home to a great number of creationists.
The letter is titled Homeschooling, and the newspaper has a comments section. Because the writer isn’t a politician, preacher, or other public figure, we won’t embarrass or promote her by using her full name. Her first name is Donna. Excerpts from her letter will be enhanced with our Curmudgeonly commentary and some bold font for emphasis. Here we go!
After referring to an earlier letter (or column, or something) which we can’t find, Donna says:
God commanded parents, not the government, to train their own children. Proverbs 22:6: “Train up a child in the way he should go.” Government control over the public system has resulted in terrible conditions from which homeschooling parents desire to protect their children — an anti-God philosophy, evolution, sex education, Planned Parenthood, immodest appearance which leads to immorality.
Egad — government schools are raising sex-crazed atheistic Darwinist children! Donna tells us:
Most homeschooling parents desire to train their children the right way — God’s way — and to stay away from the sins of the world, which are greatly increasing.
Sins are increasing! Then she says:
Parents are instructed by God to train their children and to discipline them to do what is right in His sight. As parents, we understand that once toddlers learn to walk and run, they often refuse to obey; but we must always lovingly correct them and require obedience.
Yes, sometimes you gotta lovingly beat those kids. Spare the rod, spoil the child. Donna continues:
When mature, they will make their own decisions — hopefully the right ones. Being homeschooled does not mean they cannot become lawyers, doctors, nurses, mechanics, etc.; nor does it mean that they will be socially maladjusted.
So there you are, dear reader. Follow Donna’s advice. Avoid those sinful government schools. Homeschool your kids, as you have been divinely commanded to do. Beat them when you must. Teach them creationism. They’ll grow up to be successful, and they’ll thank you for it.
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