The Ten-Day Countdown Begins

Get ready for some astounding news, dear reader, which we are revealing to the world for the first time today, ten days from 01 April. We wouldn’t try to fool you — [*cough, cough*] — about something as important as this.

For years, your Curmudgeon has been engaged in cutting-edge research in his superbly-equipped, secret, underground la-BOR-a-tory, located far beneath the CITADEL — the Curmudgeonly Institute for Tactics, Advocacy, and Defense of the Enlightenment Legacy — the secret global nerve center for monitoring events throughout the Creosphere, where your Curmudgeon is headquartered in his luxurious underground control room.

Everyone is wondering: What has the Curmudgeon been working on? All right, brace yourselves. We are ten days away from launching — and piloting — the Curmudgeon’s space craft, which will boldly go where no man has gone before.

As you know, the problem with all the other space missions launched by various nations is their propulsion system. Chemical rockets are inadequate, and the reason is obvious — they’re based on sinful secular science. So we’ve been secretly developing a faith-based propulsion system. It’s divinely driven, so its power is unlimited!

Another problem with previous space missions is that they’ve been so unimaginatively named — Apollo, Mercury, Pioneer, Voyager, etc. We want a name for our ship that will be remembered for millennia!

What we’ll be doing in these final days before launch is loading the ship with supplies to sustain us — and our dogs — during the mission. But we haven’t yet selected a destination. For that, we thought we’d turn to you, our dear readers. What would be an appropriate destination for our ship’s maiden voyage?

You can play a vital part in this historic occasion. We welcome your suggestions regrading two vital questions:

1. What will be the name of the ship?

2. Where should we go?

Remember, there are only ten days remaining until the launch date — April first. This is your opportunity to play a part in history’s greatest adventure. We welcome your input.

We conclude with our traditional guarantee of quality:

Self-Proving Truth Certificate

Everything written by the Curmudgeon in this blog is true. The presence of this Certificate is your proof. Our logic is undeniable.

Copyright © 2017. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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34 responses to “The Ten-Day Countdown Begins

  1. The Gish Gallop

    The edge of the known universe, of course.

  2. 1. Starship Pearl, in honour of Aaaaaarrrrrrrrgggghhhhh’s dear departed companion.

    2. The nearest exoplanet with a lifeform. If that turns out to be The Donald’s home world, please ask them to beam him back, we’ve had enough already

  3. 1. What will be the name of the ship?

    The End.

    2. Where should we go?

    The Beginning.

  4. Derek Freyberg

    1. Ham’s Ark.

    2. On a search for the planet Omphalos, center of the universe.

  5. 1) What will be the name of the ship?
    Designer’s Destiny
    2) Where will it go?
    In the Creacrapper

  6. If I dare to be so bold, I have some differences with your statement.

    I would describe the propulsion system as “Intelligent Design”. ID is well known be able to overcome any limitations of natural law. Although the appearance of life by natural means is prevented by such natural laws as The Second Law of Thermal Dynamics or The Law of Conservation of Complex Specified Information, they are nothing to the working of ID. So, also, ID is enough to account for transportation beyond the limits imposed by Newton’s Laws of Motion and Conservation of Energy and Momentum, as well as the natural barrier of the speed of light. Intelligent Design can produce macro-speed (aka “faster than the speed of light”) as well as micro-speed.

    There is no need to name What it is nor Where it goes.

  7. Can it travel not just through space, but backwards in time? Then it should search in or near modern Iraq around 6020 years ago to find the Garden of Eden at the moment when the Lord God formed Adam from dirt and animated him by the kiss of life. I’ve long wondered exactly how that went. I haven’t thought of a better name than AiG.

  8. What, no one has yet said it! You obviously need to go to Uranus. And the name of the ship should be the “Ring of Fire”.

  9. @KeithB: … the craft would be named “Charmin” and it would wipe out Klingons at its destination.

    (Old joke — sorry. Couldn’t resist.)

  10. 1) The Babeler.
    2) It will bump into the firmament and blow up, as well it should!!!

  11. Ross Cameron

    Should work. After all, believers are propelled by faith-based farts.

  12. @Ross Cameron: Is that why they’re called “pews”?

    Ok, ok. Don’t ban me, Curmy. I’ll behave.

  13. Actually I have a couple of suggestions regarding the ship’s name and it first mission
    1. What will be the name of the ship?
    The Curmudgeon Space Ferrari (TCSF)
    2. Where should we go?
    To infinity and beyond
    or on a more serious note
    1. What will be the name of the ship?
    The Specified Complexity
    2. Where should we go?
    The first mission should travel back in time to the Ediocaran era to document the first appearance of the sea slug, Klinklehoofer’s ancestor.
    Or to a modern locale to video the dung beetle, whose antics are closely mimicked by Ken Ham.

  14. The dung beetle performs a useful task.

  15. Progress report: 1. Cartons of dog food take up a lot of room. How did Noah do it?

    2. We’ve had several suggestions that Uranus should be the destination. Sorry, we have no intention of going there.

    3. Ship names considered and rejected: The Donald Trump. The Heavenly Hillary.

    Oops — another truckload of dog food just arrived. Gotta get it aboard.

  16. How did Noah do it?
    Intelligent Design.
    If ID is enough to explain the increase of Specified Irreducible Complexity, the violation of thermodynamics, and odds of 10^50 to 1, it should be a piece of cake to find room for dog food.

  17. Our Curmudgeon needs to know:

    Cartons of dog food take up a lot of room. How did Noah do it?

    He fed his pooches with unicorn steaks and hippogriff cutlets.

  18. Progress report: 1. Sufficient dog food has been loaded aboard.

    2. Names being considered: The Cosmic Curmudgeon. The Intelligent Designer. The Oogity Boogity!

    3. Possible destinations: Anywhere in the firmament!

  19. But have you tested the pan-galactic wi-fi connection to ensure that you can continue to run this splendid blog even whilst hurtling through the most distant regions of the cosmos?

  20. So the USS Inelegant Maligner is not a candidate name for your starship?

  21. Relax, Megalonyx. My divinely powered ship will not be limited by the speed of light, so I’ll be able to blog with no secular science delays.

  22. As the excitement mounts in the run-up to his pioneering mission, our star-bound Curmudgeon reports:

    Sufficient dog food has been loaded aboard.

    Great–but that only takes care of one end of the pooches: what about the other end, so to speak?

    May I suggest you also pack a goodly supply of dung beetles, which can not only attend to basic sanitation but are also accomplished astral navigators, as you will recall from this piece: Dung Beetles Navigate by the Stars

  23. Megalonyx, uncharacteristically concerned about sanitation, says: “May I suggest you also pack a goodly supply of dung beetles …”

    I appreciate your concern, but spiritual research informs me that the material which concerns you is needed as fuel for the supernatural propulsion system.

  24. Just a reminder … the ship will be launched on April First, which is this Saturday. Supplies needed to sustain me and the dogs for a one-year voyage have been placed aboard.

    The ship has not yet been named, and a destination has not been chosen. I’ve decided to let the ship itself select the destination — ideally somewhere habitable where there is life, and ideally intelligent life.

    The whole world is watching. I’ll keep you advised of all developments.

  25. Maybe cruise on in to a black hole to see if Interstellar got it right. Name – Holey Moley.

  26. Our Curmudgeon issues

    a reminder … the ship will be launched on April First, which is this Saturday.

    Thanks–but no reminders needed here. Olivia asks every hour on the hour, “Is he gone yet? Is is finally safe?”

  27. And yes, she really does stutter like that, such is the conflict between her hopes that it really is about to become safe again and her fears it will all turn out to be more Fake News…

  28. The name: Spacey McSpaceface.

    I’m confident it could win a popular vote when polled on Twitter.

  29. Draken suggests “Spacey McSpaceface.”

    Not bad, but a bit inappropriate for a divinely-powered ship.

  30. Michael Fugate

    Doggy McDogface?

  31. …USS Oogity McBoogface?

  32. Mission Control, this is North Atlantic Tracking Station checking in.

    Our countdown clock shows T-10.5 hours to launch; can you confirm?

    Olivia wishes you a safe one-way voyage.

    Over.

  33. Megalonyx, the Launch™ is scheduled for midnight tonight, Eastern US time, which is the start of April First. Olivia wanted to join me on this historic mission, because she didn’t want to be left behind on a world inhabited by you, but I persuaded her that she’ll be safe in the CITADEL, where she can monitor the voyage.

  34. Roger, Curmudgeon, we copy.

    Ad astra per aspera, as they say to Toto when it doesn’t look like Kansas anymore…