Get ready for some astounding news, dear reader, which we are revealing to the world for the first time today, ten days from 01 April. We wouldn’t try to fool you — [*cough, cough*] — about something as important as this.
For years, your Curmudgeon has been engaged in cutting-edge research in his superbly-equipped, secret, underground la-BOR-a-tory, located far beneath the CITADEL — the Curmudgeonly Institute for Tactics, Advocacy, and Defense of the Enlightenment Legacy — the secret global nerve center for monitoring events throughout the Creosphere, where your Curmudgeon is headquartered in his luxurious underground control room.
Everyone is wondering: What has the Curmudgeon been working on? All right, brace yourselves. We are ten days away from launching — and piloting — the Curmudgeon’s space craft, which will boldly go where no man has gone before.
As you know, the problem with all the other space missions launched by various nations is their propulsion system. Chemical rockets are inadequate, and the reason is obvious — they’re based on sinful secular science. So we’ve been secretly developing a faith-based propulsion system. It’s divinely driven, so its power is unlimited!
Another problem with previous space missions is that they’ve been so unimaginatively named — Apollo, Mercury, Pioneer, Voyager, etc. We want a name for our ship that will be remembered for millennia!
What we’ll be doing in these final days before launch is loading the ship with supplies to sustain us — and our dogs — during the mission. But we haven’t yet selected a destination. For that, we thought we’d turn to you, our dear readers. What would be an appropriate destination for our ship’s maiden voyage?
You can play a vital part in this historic occasion. We welcome your suggestions regrading two vital questions:
Remember, there are only ten days remaining until the launch date — April first. This is your opportunity to play a part in history’s greatest adventure. We welcome your input.
We conclude with our traditional guarantee of quality:
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