The Curmudgeon’s Fantastic Voyage

Because of a time warp, this post is appearing several hours earlier than intended. Keep reading and you’ll understand.

As we told you in The Ten-Day Countdown Begins today, 01 April is the launch date for the Curmudgeon’s secretly developed space craft which is intelligently designed to avoid the limitations of sinful secular science. Our ship is powered by a faith-based propulsion system. Because it’s divinely driven, its speed is unlimited! We wouldn’t try to fool you — [*cough, cough*] — about something as important as this.

The last ten days were spent stocking the ship with supplies for a year-long voyage, sufficient for your Curmudgeon and his two splendid Dobermans, Argos (a/k/a Aaaargh!) and Miss Scarlett, so we could boldly go where no man — or dog — has gone before.

We asked for your suggestions about the name of the ship and its destination. Many excellent suggestions were offered, but after much prayerful consideration, we decided that the ship should be nameless, and its destination should be decided by the designer of the universe, which was also powering the ship.

At the stroke of midnight, when April First began, we went to the flood-lit launch field, led the dogs up the retractable stairs into the ship, and strapped ourself into the acceleration couch. The dogs settled into their deeply padded doggie beds. After a final check of all instruments, we reached for the Launch lever and fearlessly activated the Divine Drive™. Then we passed out.

Upon awakening, the first thing we noticed was gravity. It felt normal. Where were we? Then we looked at the clock. It was still April First, and only a few hours had passed. But time meant nothing with our Divine Drive™. We could be anywhere!

After unstrapping from the acceleration couch, we went to a porthole and looked outside. To our astonishment, it looked like the launch site!

Then we understood. The intelligent designer — blessed be he! — had taken us to the one place in the universe which was made for intelligent life — Earth! Verily, it is the Privileged Planet! Everything the creationists have been saying is true.

Joyously we deployed the ramp, descended the stairs, and stood on firm ground, followed by Argos and Miss Scarlett. We solemnly said: “One small step for a man, eight smaller steps for the dogs.” And we thought of the line from the end of the Wizard of Oz:

We conclude with our traditional guarantee of quality:

Self-Proving Truth Certificate

Everything written by the Curmudgeon in this blog is true. The presence of this Certificate is your proof. Our logic is undeniable.

Copyright © 2017. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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5 responses to “The Curmudgeon’s Fantastic Voyage

  1. Don’t forget to acknowledge your co-conspirators, Ernest and Julio!

  2. Our galactic-voyaging Curmudgeon finishes his mission with this debriefing update:

    After unstrapping from the acceleration couch, we went to a porthole and looked outside. To our astonishment, it looked like the launch site!

    Welcome back to our Privileged Planet! Everything is indeed just as you left it!

    …Well, not quite exactly as you left it. For one thing, the Intelligent Designer (Blessed be He/She/It/Them!) has doubtless been tinkering away as usual–and probably to add some fresh information to some hitherto innocuous micro-organism in order to create the next generation of Ebola-like pathogens.

    Oh, and our monitoring of the telemetry feed from your CITADEL shows a massive depressurisation of your ‘Olivia’ Personal Entertainment Unit. Engineers here advise that you locate the leak and seal with two laminations of duct tape before attempting to reinflate.

  3. Coyote acknowledges the contribution to this historic mission by

    Ernest and Julio

    Indeed, but don’t overlook Mr. Jack Daniels and Mr. Jim Beam. And still less should we overlook the apparent inspiration provided by Ms. Mary Jane.

  4. But according to the fundies, at the Rapture the faithful will ascend unto the heavens without need of a vessel of any kind.

  5. Who are you stranger, and what are you doing in this parallel universe? What is this ‘intelligent designer’ you are talking about? Ikea?