Dinosaurs on Mars!

Take a look at this press release: New Species of Dinosaur Unearthed on Mars, issued by Press Release Rocket, which describes itself as “an independent news agency that specializes in bringing a fresh perspective to finance from around the world.” We’ve encountered them before because they also promote creationist books.

A quick Google search reveals that this “news” is already showing up in some newspapers. It says, with some bold font added by us for emphasis:

A NASA JPL employee, Dr. Douglas A. O’ Handley, informed us that not only is there life on Mars, but there’s also dinosaurs still living on there.

[*Begin Drool Mode*] Ooooooooooooh! [*End Drool Mode*] Then the press release says:

When Dr. Douglas A. O’ Handley told us that there’s Life on Mars while we were standing in his backyard, we had no idea that large primordial animals would be there. Initially he mentioned that we could find insects and water on Mars, but the evidence shows we found a small dinosaur with a unique set of prehensile hands; four of them to be precise. It possesses a phenotype like a large lizard with a stegosaurus fin and a platypus tail. Its eyes are symmetrical in shape and have no visible pupils, while its visual acuity must be vast due to the size. It’s big black right eye can clearly be seen on our website Mars Life HD even with our watermark in place. Having an elongated bill with nostrils close to its eyes will allow it to breathe while being almost completely submerged. Wide, small footed, and three-toed, it’s like most smaller bipedal dinosaurs that were here on Earth.

Here’s a link to the website the press release is promoting: Mars Life HD. We haven’t spent any time there, but they seem to be selling photos. Back to the press release:

Paleontologists have been digging on Earth since the beginning of time and they still don’t know where the fin and the bipedal stance originated. Obviously, our findings, which are clearly evident in our photographs, answer this longstanding quandary. Leading with an unprecedented find on Mars, we also can determine that the Life denotes intelligence, by slightly turning and lowering its head to the left while the rover photographs it.

[*Begin Drool Mode*] Ooooooooooooh! [*End Drool Mode*] Let’s read on:

It seems Darwin’s theory of evolution, which has been largely undisputed, requires a NASA scientist and a rover, things that weren’t afforded to him during his lifetime. Ultimately his theory will have to expand to make room in the evolution of Interplanetary Science and Life on Earth.

The press release continues:

This picture is currently on sale in our membership area for $149.99. We will also feature this new find of a Small Dinosaur Standing in the Field at our Origins of Interplanetary Science and Life on Mars Symposium on June 8th at The Rio Theatre located in Santa Cruz, CA.

That’s an event you can’t afford to miss. The last paragraph is a bold invitation:

We’d like to extend a special invitation to Dr. Neil Degrasse Tyson, Dr. Stephen Hawking, and the deans of science and department chairs at the following institutions: Oxford University, Stanford University, University of California at Berkeley, Harvard University, Yale University, Brown University, University of Las Vegas, University of Iowa, Cal-tech, George Washington University, University of Michigan, Arizona State University, University California at Santa Cruz, and University of Naples.

No doubt they’ll all be at the symposium. The only question is: Will you be there, dear reader?

Copyright © 2017. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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7 responses to “Dinosaurs on Mars!

  1. Michael Fugate

    O’Handley died 28 July, 2016.
    http://spaceref.com/news/viewsr.html?pid=49212

  2. Wow, according to their website, you can buy the picture of “Large Dinosaur Running Down Prey” for only $1,000,000,000! A bargain.

  3. Michael Fugate beat me to it.

    …Of course, we should consider that the discovery of dinosaurs on Mars is so thrilling a piece of news it completely overshadowed the fact that news was delivered by someone deceased for nearly a year.

  4. Perhaps he rose from the dead to proclaim the miracle of life on Mars…

  5. Eric Lipps

    Having an elongated bill with nostrils close to its eyes will allow it to breathe while being almost completely submerged.
    Submerged in what? And why, if there’s at least one species of animal life on Mars, isn’t there a whole easily-detected biosphere?

    Oh, I get it! There is, but those Godless scientists have been covering it up!

  6. But you don’t have to buy the photos. You can just sign up for as little as $99.99 a month.

  7. A Large Dinosaur hunting down running Prey on Mars

    Dr. Douglas A. O’ Handley was a National Aeronautics and Space Administration (N.A.S.A.) Jet Propulsion Laboratory employee from June 1967- August 1984. He held a supervisory position during the pioneering expeditions of Viking 1 and Viking 2, the first spacecraft to land successfully on the surface of Mars. Viking 1 held the record for the longest surface mission on Mars for over thirty years, only to be broken by the rover Opportunity in 2010.
    O’ Handley also worked with NASA as the Deputy Assistant Administrator of the Office of Exploration – Code Z, from August 1988 to July, 1992. He was the director emeritus of the NASA Ames Academy for Space Exploration with Lockheed Martin from 1999 to 2016 (a joint program between NASA and the State Space Grants). His body of work includes everything from professorships at Santa Clara University and Georgetown, to work with the White House’s National Space Council.
    Mars Life HD met with Dr. O’ Handley in 2012, where he relayed to us a report using data amassed by Viking 1 and Viking 2: that there is water, and life, on the surface on Mars. This assertion turned out to be accurate. NASA announced water flowing on the surface on Mars on September 28, 2015. Despite learning this information before the public, we still had no idea what it would mean for our perceptions of interplanetary science, biochemistry, and evolutionary biology. The central human question has always been “Where did we come from?” Our picture, a finding by Mars Life HD, confirmed by Dr. O’ Handley himself, has the potential to change the way this question is asked, and answered, for the remainder of human history. He told us then as we believe now: “This will change everything in evolution and paleontology.”

    We now assert that Earth’s dinosaurs, with their signature fin-and-bipedal phenotype (the origins of which have perplexed paleontologists since the inception of the field), may have originated from our terrestrial neighbor, Mars. This image shows the second of two dinosaurs, of presumably two different species, found on Mars by Mars Life HD under the relentless guidance of Dr. O’ Handley, in just under three years of collaboration.
    What appears to be a large dinosaur with no arms can be seen hunting down what appears to be its prey, while a predatory accomplice of the same species appears to be taking guard to its left. The dinosaur is much larger than “Small Dinosaur Standing in the Field,” our image that shows a species with four prehensile arms. “Large dinosaur hunting down prey” has a stubby tail and a very large trunk which appears to feature an elongated pre-maxilla with an opening near the end, which we hypothesize functions to catch and retain prey for consumption. The remarkably unique flexibility of what appear to be its legs, coupled with a stout hind, completely symmetrical claws, and large black eye, would make it a quick and fierce hunter. The jawline is pronounced and recedes behind the eyes symmetrically. Its feet are very much like the dinosaurs that roamed Earth some many millions of years ago. There’s a primary opening in both foreword feet which are the same size and shape and can clearly be seen in the picture taken by the Curiosity rover. Behind the orbits on the head are two small symmetrical protruding bumps or horns, which would mark a newly discovered horn location for horned dinosaurs. The teeth that can be seen are large and located near the front of the jaw bone. Their function would be chewing and tearing flesh. What appears to be the prey is dark gray in color, and features a trunk much like an elephant. It appears to be looking back as the dinosaur takes its bite.

    This picture sells for one billion dollars with a ten percent bitcoin discount today. We will feature “Large Dinosaur” at our Origins of Interplanetary Science and Life on Mars Symposium on June 8th at The Rio Theatre in Santa Cruz, CA.

    For more on Dr. O’ Handley’s lauded life and career:
    Spaceref.com/news/viewsr.html?pid=49212
    For more evidence to bolster the case for life on Mars:
    https://science.nasa.gov/science-news/science-at-nasa/2000/ast20dec_1/