Dinosaurs on Mars!

Take a look at this press release: New Species of Dinosaur Unearthed on Mars, issued by Press Release Rocket, which describes itself as “an independent news agency that specializes in bringing a fresh perspective to finance from around the world.” We’ve encountered them before because they also promote creationist books.

A quick Google search reveals that this “news” is already showing up in some newspapers. It says, with some bold font added by us for emphasis:

A NASA JPL employee, Dr. Douglas A. O’ Handley, informed us that not only is there life on Mars, but there’s also dinosaurs still living on there.

[*Begin Drool Mode*] Ooooooooooooh! [*End Drool Mode*] Then the press release says:

When Dr. Douglas A. O’ Handley told us that there’s Life on Mars while we were standing in his backyard, we had no idea that large primordial animals would be there. Initially he mentioned that we could find insects and water on Mars, but the evidence shows we found a small dinosaur with a unique set of prehensile hands; four of them to be precise. It possesses a phenotype like a large lizard with a stegosaurus fin and a platypus tail. Its eyes are symmetrical in shape and have no visible pupils, while its visual acuity must be vast due to the size. It’s big black right eye can clearly be seen on our website Mars Life HD even with our watermark in place. Having an elongated bill with nostrils close to its eyes will allow it to breathe while being almost completely submerged. Wide, small footed, and three-toed, it’s like most smaller bipedal dinosaurs that were here on Earth.

Here’s a link to the website the press release is promoting: Mars Life HD. We haven’t spent any time there, but they seem to be selling photos. Back to the press release:

Paleontologists have been digging on Earth since the beginning of time and they still don’t know where the fin and the bipedal stance originated. Obviously, our findings, which are clearly evident in our photographs, answer this longstanding quandary. Leading with an unprecedented find on Mars, we also can determine that the Life denotes intelligence, by slightly turning and lowering its head to the left while the rover photographs it.

[*Begin Drool Mode*] Ooooooooooooh! [*End Drool Mode*] Let’s read on:

It seems Darwin’s theory of evolution, which has been largely undisputed, requires a NASA scientist and a rover, things that weren’t afforded to him during his lifetime. Ultimately his theory will have to expand to make room in the evolution of Interplanetary Science and Life on Earth.

The press release continues:

This picture is currently on sale in our membership area for $149.99. We will also feature this new find of a Small Dinosaur Standing in the Field at our Origins of Interplanetary Science and Life on Mars Symposium on June 8th at The Rio Theatre located in Santa Cruz, CA.

That’s an event you can’t afford to miss. The last paragraph is a bold invitation:

We’d like to extend a special invitation to Dr. Neil Degrasse Tyson, Dr. Stephen Hawking, and the deans of science and department chairs at the following institutions: Oxford University, Stanford University, University of California at Berkeley, Harvard University, Yale University, Brown University, University of Las Vegas, University of Iowa, Cal-tech, George Washington University, University of Michigan, Arizona State University, University California at Santa Cruz, and University of Naples.

No doubt they’ll all be at the symposium. The only question is: Will you be there, dear reader?

Copyright © 2017. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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6 responses to “Dinosaurs on Mars!

  1. Michael Fugate

    O’Handley died 28 July, 2016.

  2. Wow, according to their website, you can buy the picture of “Large Dinosaur Running Down Prey” for only $1,000,000,000! A bargain.

  3. Michael Fugate beat me to it.

    …Of course, we should consider that the discovery of dinosaurs on Mars is so thrilling a piece of news it completely overshadowed the fact that news was delivered by someone deceased for nearly a year.

  4. Perhaps he rose from the dead to proclaim the miracle of life on Mars…

  5. Eric Lipps

    Having an elongated bill with nostrils close to its eyes will allow it to breathe while being almost completely submerged.
    Submerged in what? And why, if there’s at least one species of animal life on Mars, isn’t there a whole easily-detected biosphere?

    Oh, I get it! There is, but those Godless scientists have been covering it up!

  6. But you don’t have to buy the photos. You can just sign up for as little as $99.99 a month.

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