Crocodiles Devour Creationist Preacher

This is shocking news, but we feel it’s our Curmudgeonly duty to report it. If you are the sensitive type, we urge you to avoid reading further.

The headline which captured our attention is Zimbabwean Pastor Eaten By 3 Crocodiles While Trying To Walk On Water Like Jesus. It appears at the website of Information Nigeria, and they have a comments section. Here are some excerpts from the news story, with bold font added by us for emphasis:

A pastor from a local church in White River Mpumalanga died this morning trying to demonstrate a biblical miracle to his congregants. Pastor Jonathan Mthethwa of the Saint of the last days church drowned into the crocodile River also know [sic] as the crocodile river and was seen by his church members getting eaten by 3 crocodiles.

We couldn’t find a website for that church, but we assume it’s a creationist denomination. Then the news story says:

“The pastor taught us about faith on Sunday last week. He promised he would demonstrate his faith to us today, but he unfortunately ended up drowning and getting eaten by 3 large crocodiles in front of us. We still don’t understand how this happened because he fasted and prayed the whole week.” said Deacon Nkosi, who is one of the church members.

Yes, it’s quite a mystery. Let’s read on:

It is said that Pastor Mthethwa walked into the water and when he was 30 meters inside the river, he attempted to ascend above the water so he can start walking, but the 3 crocodile appeared out of no where and started feasting on him.

What went wrong? The news continues:

“They finished him in a couple of minutes. All that was left of him when they finished eating him is a pair of sandals and his underwear floating above the water.” said Deacon Nkosi.

The only way we can make any sense of this is if the pastor was a closet Darwinist, so his faith wasn’t as strong as it should have been And now we come to the end:

ER24 [a private emergency medical care provider] responded to the scene 30 minutes after, but upon arrival, there was not much they could do as the man of god was already dead.

As we warned, it’s a shocking story. But the lesson is clear — your faith must be pure, or you will surely suffer the consequences.

Copyright © 2017. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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20 responses to “Crocodiles Devour Creationist Preacher

  1. Film on the 5 o’clock news tonight? We can only hope.

  2. Ceteris Paribus

    “Pastor Mthethwa walked into the water and when he was 30 meters inside [emphasis added] the river, he attempted to ascend above the water so he can start [emphasis added] walking, but the 3 crocodile appeared out of no where and started feasting on him.”

    Oh, well, that answers the failure. The acknowledged method of crocodile super-position is it first make the ascension – and only then start walking.

    I have seen this demonstrated many times, including once by 3 HolyRollers who successfully managed a brilliant tag-team transmogrification to the third level of Heaven.

  3. Dave Luckett

    I think the probable explanation is that he irritated Sobek.

  4. You silly materialists! This proves, once and for all, that Darwin was wrong!

    If Darwin had been right, the river would have been filled with harmless Crocoducks, and the pastor would have come through unscathed…

  5. If the Fall hadn’t happened, the crocodiles would have used those two rows of razor-sharp teeth to gently pick up the pastor by the skin of his back and bring him back ashore! And then continued grazing water lilies.

  6. Ceteris Paribus

    @Megalonyx:
    Ah yes. The humble and inimitable “Occam’s Razor” ploy. I now stand aside, gob-smacked, by your perspicacity.

  7. Eric Lipps

    Draken | 14-May-2017 at 2:57 pm |
    If the Fall hadn’t happened, the crocodiles would have used those two rows of razor-sharp teeth to gently pick up the pastor by the skin of his back and bring him back ashore! And then continued grazing water lilies.

    What sharp teeth? If not for the Fall, crocodiles would have had nice flat plant-munching teeth and wouldn’t have been interested in devouring pastor meat.

  8. Eric Lipps

    For that matter, there wouldn’t have been any preachers. Why would they be needed in a world of sinless naked people?

  9. Ceteris Paribus

    @ Eric Lipps:
    Why would they [preachers] be needed in a world of sinless naked people?

    Truly there do not need to be preachers on this earth. The problem lies the the smugly self referential blathering of clerics such as William Lane Craig and his “Kalam comological argument”:

    1. Whatever begins to exist has a cause;
    2. Preachers began to exist;
    Therefore:
    3. Preachers have a cause.

  10. “Why would they [preachers] be needed in a world of sinless naked people?”

    The people may have been naked, but there still was a need to shear the sheep…

  11. Mark Germano

    Classic rookie mistake. First, you feed the multitudes, then you walk on water. Poor guy got the order of his miracles mixed up.

  12. Ross Cameron

    We can only praise allah that jesus didn`t try water-walking in Africa

  13. Michael Fugate

    Never enough faith when one actually needs it.

  14. There is a certain irony that the pastor was a “saint of the last days church, as it surely was his last day.

  15. …and there should be a ” after “church” in the post above!

  16. robert van bakel

    And a thought for the poor crocodiles please!

  17. I hope Ken Ham goes over there and shows them how it is done.

  18. Yep pretty clear to me. I bet he was a closet homosexual, or an abortionist, we know how God hates those guys…at least in the New Testament. In the Old Testament he did most of the baby killing on his own. I guess he doesn’t do that anymore and now it really pisses him off. He’s always hated gays though, but he did get over that anti-shellfish trip he was on though. Man, he sure works in mysterious ways.

  19. C’mon, this is childs play for the apologists… “Thou shall not test God”

  20. techreseller

    ha ha ha. HAHAHA. HAHAHAHA. No matter how you measure this one, it is a knee slapper. And the deacon wondering why the fasting and praying did not work. My only suggestion is the scientific method. YOU try fasting and praying this week and then you try next Sunday. If that fails with yet another crocodile feast, then the next parishioner and so on until you have enough trials to decide statistically. Me, I will rely on heuristics. Do not swim where lots of crocodiles live.