This one is going to enrage Ken Ham (ol’ Hambo) — the ayatollah of Appalachia, the world’s holiest man who knows more about religion and science than everyone else.
It’s in the Lexington Herald-Leader of Lexington, Kentucky, the second-largest city in the state, and they have a comments section. Their headline is Ark park’s cubit sticks holy relics for gullible of today. It was written by Roger Guffey of Lexington, who teaches math. We’ll give you some excerpts, with bold font added by us for emphasis.
The article begins with the conversion of Constantine and his declaration that Christianity was the official religion of Rome. We’ll skip most of that until it gets to what’s relevant to Hambo:
Constantine was no fool and he realized that changing people’s minds to join a religion they once persecuted would not be easy. He decided that tangible objects related to the life of Christ would convince people to convert. He sent his mother, the 80-year-old Empress Helena, to the Holy Land in 326 AD to gather relics with links to Christ.
A thriving trade in relics sprang up and any church worth attending had to have its own relics. The current list of Christian relics includes the crown of thorns, a vial containing drops of Christ’s blood, the head of John the Baptist, the veil of Veronica, the Mandylion, the finger of the Apostle Thomas and my personal favorite, the holy foreskin. Needless to say, many unscrupulous charlatans counterfeited relics and passed them off as real for a healthy profit, a practice that continues to this day.
Okay, holy relics are a good scam. Where does Hambo fit into this? It’s coming — right now:
Fast-forward 1,700 years. Religious-themed parks and attractions have supplanted the quaint idea of holy relics and two of the most famous, the Creation Museum and the Ark Encounter, are located in Kentucky. I have never attended either, but I do have a question: What exactly is the point of them?
The point? Hambo says he’s on a holy mission to save us from the godless lie of evolution and millions of years. Doesn’t Roger agree? Apparently not. He says:
People who do not ascribe to religious beliefs will not be converted even if they go to the sites. If anything they will laugh at the naïve tomfoolery. … The ark replica is not made of gopher wood, is not lined with pitch and was built by hundreds of workers using power tools. There is no biblical basis to account for the majestic prow.
Imagine the effect on ol’ Hambo as he reads this. He’ll be red in the face, foaming at the mouth, and rolling around chewing the carpet. Oblivious to Hambo’s enraged contortions, Roger tells us:
Most believers will not have their faith bolstered by attending these sites because they are only the results of human imagination. Still, many will be glad to shell out beaucoup bucks for a stick one cubit long, about 18 inches. Unless UK begins reporting the heights of its basketball team in cubits, I am not sure of the utility of having a cubit stick.
We searched for — and found! — the cubit stick at Hambo’s gift shop. Here’s the link: Construction Cubit. One of those can be yours for only $19.99. A genuine holy relic! What else does Roger say?
The only reason to build and operate these attractions is simple: to make money. [Gasp!] When these projects were proposed and submitted to the government for tax incentives, the public was assured that they would generate hundreds of jobs and millions of dollars, but recent reports have found little evidence of either.
Hambo ain’t gonna like this! Here’s the end of Roger’s article:
I am a devout Presbyterian who tries to follow the teachings of Christ, and I have just one question for the purveyors of these Biblical attractions: If Jesus Christ returned tomorrow, where would he spend his time: helping the sick, dying and impoverished or rummaging through some money-grubbing tourist trap that cynically preys on people’s faith to make a profit?
BWAHAHAHAHAHA! We look forward to Hambo’s response.
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