Remember this date, dear reader. Today, 01 April, 2018, your Curmudgeon announces that he will be conducting the greatest experiment in history. We wouldn’t try to fool you — [*cough, cough*] — about something as important as this.
We must acknowledge that our work was inspired by the example of Mike Hughes, described by Wikipedia as:
an American limo driver, daredevil and flat earth conspiracy theorist known for flying in self-built rockets. … He intends to make multiple rocket journeys, culminating in a flight to outer space, where he believes he will be able to take a picture of the entire Earth as a flat disk.
We wrote about Hughes in A Bold Voyage of Discovery. He claimed that astronauts and others were all frauds, their photos of the spherical Earth were fake, and his journey would reveal The Truth™.
Following his courageous example, we have been secretly developing an experiment which is intelligently designed to avoid the limitations of sinful secular science, and today is the day we reveal our plans to the world.
Are you seated, dear reader? Okay, brace yourself, because here’s the news: Your Curmudgeon will ascend by hot air balloon to the Firmament, described by Wikipedia as:
… the structure above the atmosphere, conceived as a vast solid dome. According to the Genesis creation narrative, God created the firmament to separate the “waters above” the earth from the “waters below” the earth.
The bible (King James version, of course) says, in Genesis 1:6–8:
6 And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.
7 And God made the firmament, and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament: and it was so.
8 And God called the firmament Heaven. And the evening and the morning were the second day.
Wikipedia also tells us:
The word “firmament” is used to translate raqîa, a word used in Biblical Hebrew. It is derived from the root raqqe, meaning “to beat or spread out thinly”, e.g., the process of making a dish by hammering thin a lump of metal. Like most ancient peoples, the Hebrews believed the sky was a solid dome with the Sun, Moon, planets and stars embedded in it.
How high will our balloon need to ascend? This may surprise you, but it’s not very high at all. Wikipedia tells us about the biblical account of the Tower of Babel, which is in in Genesis 11:1-9:
According to the story, a united humanity in the generations following the Great Flood, speaking a single language and migrating eastward, comes to the land of Shinar. There they agree to build a city and a tower tall enough to reach heaven. God, observing their city and tower, confounds their speech so that they can no longer understand each other, and scatters them around the world.
We know that heaven is immediately above the Firmament, and if those people could build a tower that high, it means the Firmament can’t be very far above the tallest buildings. Our balloon should have no trouble ascending to that height. Don’t be misled by secular accounts of aircraft and rockets that are said to go higher. Those people are either lying, or they’ve been deceived by untrustworthy instruments.
That’s why we won’t be using commercially available instruments to determine our height — they’re all rigged to give false readings. So what will we do? It is well known that the boiling point of water is 100 degrees, Celsius — at sea level. The higher one goes, the less atmospheric pressure there is, and water will boil at a lower temperature. When our balloon’s sensitive antennae make contact with the Firmament, we plan to boil pure, distilled water. Its temperature will determine our height, and we shall announce the results to an astounded world.
When will the historic Ascent be done? Not for a while. First, we need to obtain a balloon. Then we have to equip it with reliable instruments like our water boiling apparatus — not the fake altimeters used by airline pilots. When all of that is ready, we’ll probably make a few low-level trips to test everything. After that … history will be made!
We conclude with our traditional guarantee of quality:
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