Three Creationists Walk into a Bar

Your Curmudgeon is having trouble finishing this joke. Perhaps you can help. It begins like this:

Three drooling creationists walk into a bar, where the customers are peacefully relaxing after work, enjoying a few drinks with their friends, and bothering no one.

One creationist is a long-time follower of Hambo’s blog who has just visited the ark and creation museum. The second is a follower of the Discovery Institute’s blog, and the third doesn’t read anything, but he believes everything his creationist preacher tells him.

The first creationist — the Hambo fan — shouts to the room: “Hear me, sinners! You are all doomed to spend eternity in the Lake of Fire! As Adam & Eve sinned, so do you all, and you must repent your evolutionist ways! You have been led astray by science! As in the days of Noah, you will all be destroyed and eternal flames await you. You must return to the true faith!”

The bar patrons laugh and tell him he’s an idiot. The creationist runs out of the place in tears, and the bar patrons cheer.

The second creationist — the Discoveroid disciple — leaps up onto a table and shouts: “Hear me, you secular Darwinist fools! Your teachers lied to you. Evolution is the cause of all evil in the world. You must believe in the intelligent designer — blessed be he!”

The patrons laugh even louder, and the second creationist also runs out. Once again, the bar patrons cheer. All eyes turn to the remaining creationist. “And what do you say?,” one of them asks.

This is where your Curmudgeon needs help. We’d like a good ending here, but our customary powers fail us. So now it’s up to you, dear reader. Finish it up for us.

Intermission: Most of a day passes, with no satisfactory resolution of the joke. During that time, the Curmudgeon posts The Scutoid Is Evidence of Intelligent Design. Suddenly inspired, he is able to complete the joke with the following:

The third creationist says: “Wait, you haven’t seen my comedy routine. I can imitate Mae West. How about this: Is that a scutoid in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?” He looks around, sees only hostile faces, and says: “Oh dear, I think I walked into the wrong bar.”

Copyright © 2018. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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19 responses to “Three Creationists Walk into a Bar

  1. How about, “this all started as a way to run out of the bar without paying for our drinks and I didn’t want to go last, dammit.”

  2. All creationists of any real conviction eschew alcohol and would fear the damage to their reputation if they were seen in a ‘gin mill’. Therefore this story must be a plot by those evil Darwinists to discredit true believers – what a dastardly thing to do!

  3. Laurettte McGovern

    If you had stopped with only the title, I would have said,

    “. . . and the fourth one ducked.”

    Alas, my attempt at classic humor was thwarted by your further explanation

  4. Michael Fugate

    I am not a creationist,” he said.

    The patrons said, “You came in with the other two. You are one of them.” Again he denied it.

    After a little while, those sitting in the bar went up to the man and said, “Surely you are one of them, for the Jack Chick tract in your pocket gives you away.” Then the 3rd creationist began to call down curses on himself and he swore to them, “I am not a creationist, I am an atheist!” Immediately a Trump tweet appeared on his phone. Then he remembered the words his pastor had spoken: “Before POTUS tweets, you will disown creationism three times.” And he went outside and wept bitterly.

  5. @Michael Fugate
    But I may suggest that it would work a bit better if one had the DI-er be the last creationist.

  6. The third creationist says, “sorry about those guys everyone, they misunderstood what I meant by Baptist convention. I will have a bourbon on the rocks.”

  7. Michael Fugate

    TomS, agreed.

  8. Charles Deetz ;)

    “. . . and the fourth one crocoducked.”

    Fixed it for you, Laurette.

  9. Gwyllm Griffiths

    “Okay, since you guys all think you’re so smart: if liquors came from grains, why are there still grains?”

  10. Well, G.G., all the grain didn’t evolve into Old Forester at the same time, you see.

  11. …and as for a good punchline for the creationist joke, forget about it. Everyone knows they are to be pitied. It’s just not right to laugh at the mentally challenged.

  12. Robert van Bakel

    The third creationist who doesn’t read and believes all his creationist preacher tells him says this;
    “My preacher desribed creationism as, ‘random mutations in the genetic code, which were then selected for, or against by environmental pressure, over billions of years’. Can I have a beer please, he also says the hookers he’s bringing later are actually angels!'”

  13. Third creationist: “Excuse me. Er… I have to go see an atheist about a dog.”

  14. The third, illiterate creationist leaps up onto the bar and croons: “Two men are walking over a bridge. One man falls into the water; the other is named Helmut.”

  15. The third creationist says:

    “Wait, you haven’t seen my comedy routine. I can imitate Mae West. How about this: Is that a scutoid in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

    Oh dear, I think I walked into the wrong bar.”

  16. The third Creationist announced, “My dog has no faith!”

    And one of the other customers in the bar asked him, “How does it pray?”

    “With his teeth–which, like those of all the others of the Dog Kind, were originally made by the Grand Ole Designer for nothing more than salad, but after Adam’s sin were put to carniverous use! That’s what my Preacher says!”

  17. docbill1351

    Three creationists walk into a bar.

    The first one orders a “Noah’s Ark.”

    What’s that, the bartender inquires?

    Three shots of bilge water covered in froth over the rocks.

    The second creationist orders a “Henry Morris.”

    What’s that, the bartender inquires?

    It’s the same as the Noah’s Ark but warmed over and the froth replaced with hot air.

    The third creationist orders a “Specified Complexity.”

    What’s that, the bartender inquires?

    It’s a Noah’s Ark mixed with a Henry Morris, but without the Noah and garnished with a gerbil.

    The bartender leaned over the bar, looked the third creationist in the eye and said, “That gerbil is going to cost you extra!”

    “Don’t I know it,” said the third creationist, “don’t I know it!”

    (p.s. and disclaimer. Doc Bill’s Second Law of Creationists states that creationists are the least humorous humans in the species, and that making them seem funny is prevented by the Second Law of Thermodynamics.)

  18. Third guy says “Have you seen my magic trick? Bartender, a glass of red wine, please. Hocus pocus and…. Voila! A glass of blood.”

    This trick kills at Irish bars.