Hambo Masters the Fourth Dimension

This is an astonishing post from Ken Ham (ol’ Hambo) — the ayatollah of Appalachia, the world’s holiest man who knows more about religion and science than everyone else. At the website of Answers in Genesis (AIG), Hambo’s creationist ministry, he wrote: Completely Refurbished 4D Theater Now Open at the Creation Museum.

What? Did Hambo say 4D? We gotta dig into this! Here are some excerpts, with bold font added by us for emphasis, and occasional Curmudgeonly interjections that look [like this]:

We’re excited to announce that the special effects theater at the Creation Museum is completely refurbished and now open for guests to enjoy a brand-new, 20-minute, spectacular 3D show, In Six Days. [What about the fourth dimension?] Due to the updates, this state-of-the-art 4D theater is now able to show 3D films as well as provide special effects that create the “4th D,” such as rumbling seats [Huh?], wind [Hee hee!], and other surprises. We had our first showings this past Friday morning.

Hey — we’re not making this up. The creationist fourth dimension involves rumbling seats, “wind,” and “other surprises.” You can draw your own conclusions about Hambo’s heavenly fourth dimension. He says:

In Six Days is a 3D experience that brings the first chapter of Genesis to life like never before. With realistic plant life springing forth at God’s command, birds filling the skies, and animals — including dinosaurs — filling the earth, this film looks incredible in the 3D theater (plus special effects). We can’t wait for you to see it!

Hambo tells us about those “special effects”:

As our A/V team has been working hard to get this theater ready, they’ve run into a wide variety of challenges [Hee hee!] but have overcome each one. We appreciate their hard work and dedication to get this amazing theater ready for our guests.

Hambo’s “A/V team” must be the Amazing Ventilation team. He continues:

Guests will receive 3D glasses as they enter. Special closed-captioned reading glasses will be available for Deaf guests or those with hearing impairments. But these aren’t the 3D glasses you’re familiar with from regular movie theaters. These are “active 3D glasses” that use infrared technology. And they’re battery operated, allowing them to rapidly shutter open and closed, blocking information meant for the left eye from the right eye. These special high-tech glasses add a whole new level to your experience that you won’t find at most other 3D movie theaters.

We assume guests will also be given gas masks. It would be inhumane otherwise. One last excerpt:

I encourage you to plan a visit to see everything the Creation Museum has to offer. Go to [link omitted] to plan your visit.

Well, dear reader, why do you hesitate? You can watch the movie in 3D, and experience Hambo’s heavenly fourth dimension too. It’s the full creationist experience.

Copyright © 2018. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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17 responses to “Hambo Masters the Fourth Dimension

  1. Michael Fugate

    Ham’s 3Ds dumb, dumber, dumbest – only AiG can reach the 4th level?

  2. And of course Ol’Hambo’s crew has developed this cutting edge technology using Holy Scripture!
    Next project: rocking the Gay Wooden Box when it rains, so that the serious creacrapper can feel what Noah and his family went through.

  3. Much as I hate to defend Ken Ham, it’s possible his use of the term “fourth dimension” is a mere figure of speech referring to the addition of sight and possibly smell to the audiovisual experience.

    But as for the more familiar fourth dimension, time, anyone who goes to see anything Ham produces is wasting it.

  4. At Disneyland et al, the 4D is usually things like getting squirted with water when the character on the screen (Shrek, etc) sneezes in your direction.

    Let us hope that this movie doesn’t include the scene about Onan and his seed spilling…..

  5. Ken Ham brings back Sensurround from the seventies, and weds it to simple-minded Sunday school stories. Ken the latter-day, big-shot Hollywood mogul, producing biblical epics for a new generation.

    A touch of Cecil B de Mille for the sermonising, a little Irwin Allen disaster-movie for the Flood sequence, maybe even John Waters for the Odorama; but most of all Andy Warhol, for the mind-numbing tedium, complete with stoned, hippie dinosaurs who all get along fine, until Eve sends everything pear-shaped.

    Bodie Hodge: “Ken, you’ve done it again!”
    Ken: “Thanks, sport.”

  6. I hope they keep headache medication on hand for migraines that result from low-quality 3D.

  7. He puts the “dim” in dimension.

  8. He puts the “dim” in dimension.

  9. I couldn’t find any listing for the price to this new, miraculous 4D show. Anybody?

  10. Wouldn’t it, by now, be cheaper to stick a hypodermic needle through the visitors pants injecting LSD or psilocybin? Same level of realism.

  11. Cyano de Bactergerac

    We always knew Ol’ Hambo was a class act. Now it looks like he’s a tesser act as well.

  12. A teaser act.

  13. Not sure tesser act is a misspelling. Tesseract is an infinity stone in the Marvel universe.

  14. According to Wikipedia, “In geometry, the tesseract is the four-dimensional analogue of the cube”.

  15. Michael Fugate

    So it’s the time cube?

  16. @Micheal Fugate The Time Cube awaits any who venture too close to the edges of the bell curve. AiG appears to exist primarily in those regions.

  17. bewilderbeast

    The concrete foundations of the Identical Replica Ark won’t shake, so he’s had to make his chairs shake instead. And the poor brainwashed Sunday School kids will go home saying “Ma! The earth really moved for me!”