Hambo’s Holy ‘Ice’ Skating Rink

We were amazed by the latest news at the website of Answers in Genesis (AIG), the creationist ministry of Ken Ham (ol’ Hambo) — the ayatollah of Appalachia, the world’s holiest man who knows more about religion and science than everyone else.

Ol’ Hambo is bragging about a great new addition to his ministry, and if he thinks it’s important, then it’s certainly worthy of our attention. His new post is titled Ice Skating in September in Kentucky? Here are some excerpts, with bold font added by us for emphasis, and occasional Curmudgeonly interjections that look [like this]:

When you think of Kentucky, ice skating is probably not something that comes to mind — especially in September! But you can go “ice” skating today at the Ark Encounter. We’ve recently opened a Glice® rink — the largest in North America — at the Ark. Glice® is a synthetic ice that acts just like real ice, allowing you to skate regardless of the weather.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA! A pseudo ice skating rink! It’s the perfect addition to Hambo’s other endeavors, like the creation science displayed at the infamous, mind-boggling Creation Museum, and his Ark Encounter, which he says is an exact replica of Noah’s Ark. He says:

Everything you need is provided for you and you can skate for as long as you want, during one continuous session, for just $8. [A bargain!] For children who are just learning to skate, a special skating prop is available at no extra cost. Where else can you skate in shorts and t-shirt — and with Noah’s Ark in the background? [Wowie!] It’s the most unique Glice® skating experience in the world!

Yes, it probably is. Then he tells us:

The Glice® rink will remain open now through our Christmas event, ChristmasTime [link omitted] (November 23–December 30, 2018, closed Christmas Eve and Christmas Day). During the Christmas season you will be able to skate and enjoy the gorgeous rainbow lights on the Ark [Ooooooooooooh!], as well as the festive lighting throughout the grounds.

Verily, a unique experience — and spiritual too! He ends with this:

Plan your visit to the Ark Encounter — and be sure to try out our Glice® rink when you do.

Then there are some links to where you can learn more, but we’ll leave it to you to click over there if you want that information.

And now, dear reader, we have a bit of a challenge for you: What other money-making activities could Hambo install, consistent with his obvious devotion to authenticity and holiness? We look forward to your suggestions.

Copyright © 2018. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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30 responses to “Hambo’s Holy ‘Ice’ Skating Rink

  1. Perhaps it will explain how the warm waters of the global Flood triggered the one and only Ice Age?

  2. So…. skating on ice is made better by the typical padding of winter clothing. It softens the blow when you fall. This should be interesting to watch people doing it on what must amount to slippery concrete and no padding.

    I hope he has them sign good waivers. 😉

    Wait, no, I hope he gets sued out of business.

  3. See the Wikipedia article “synthetic ice”.

  4. Theodore Lawry

    How about practicing throwing the Holy hand grenade of Monty Python?

  5. @Theodore Lawry
    But what shall be the number of the counting upon which thou lobest thy holy hand grenade?

  6. And who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it?

  7. An epithet for “never” that I use is “when Satan opens a skating rink”. And there you go. Another perfectly good figure of speech gone, poof!, just like that.

  8. Ken could open a bowling alley, where creationists could take turns trying to knock down bowling pins, each one representing a nasty evolutionist or atheist.

    All the usual villains would be there: Democritus; Percy Bysshe Shelley; Bertrand Russell; Carl Sagan; Madalyn Murray O’Hair; Richard Dawkins, natch; Jerry Coyne; Aron Ra; Frank B; and the Great Man himself, Charlie D.

    WHAMMO! Watch those bowling balls go rocketing down the lanes, sending all those vile “names” flying!

  9. Creationists loove dinosaurs. I believe Americans are fond of riding and shooting.
    Ken could plan a dinosaur riding pen for the younger kiddies and a shooting range for the older ones.

  10. “It’s the most unique Glice® skating experience in the world!”
    While we Dutch (specifically the Frisians) are famous for indoor iceskating

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thialf

    and even invented it I shamefully must admit that there are no Gay Wooden Boxes within a radius of at least 100 km of the building.

    “What other money-making activities could Hambo install, consistent with his obvious devotion to authenticity and holiness?”
    A christian metal festival on top of the Kentucky Ark. No investment needed for a lightshow.

    @ChrisS: I’m more than flattered.

  11. According to the Wikipedia article “Ice rink” the world’s first artificial ice skating was in London in the skating mania of the 1840s and the first refrigerated ice rink in 1876.

  12. Glice is nothing like real ice, from what I understand.

  13. With the nearest NHL team in either Columbus, Ohio or Nashville, Tennessee, adding a team in Williamstown would be an incredible coup for Ham and team.

    “If you shoot the puck across both the center line and your opponent’s goal line, you are guilty of icing in the eyes of the Lord, unless you are shorthanded.”

    2 Canadiens, 4:13

  14. The Glice Age!

  15. This should make the Ark Park a lodestar for creationists.

  16. @Mark Germano:
    ““If you shoot the puck across both the center line and your opponent’s goal line, you are guilty of icing in the eyes of the Lord, unless you are shorthanded.”

    2 Canadiens, 4:13”

    LOLOL.

    Icing is even harder to understand than most parts of the OT…..

  17. An indoor Crossing of the Red Sea?

  18. Slinging stones at cardboard cutout Philistines. Turning water into Bblood TM with the help of concentrated food dyes. Breeding tadpoles …

  19. Dramatic and exciting reenactments of important Biblical stories….on ice!

    The Glice Capades.

  20. A gambling parlor to demonstrate the unlikelihood of random events turning out well, including “Genetic Lottery” tickets.

  21. Is it unreasonable to assume that putting down a skating rink is something you would do to wring some profit from a large flat area of your property, say for instance, a parking lot with many less cars in it than it was built to hold?

    What’s next, “Shem, Ham, and Japheth’s Self Storage™”?,

  22. [SC:] “What other money-making activities could Hambo install, consistent with his obvious devotion to authenticity and holiness? We look forward to your suggestions.”

    Why not public stoning? They could call that Without Sin Since Jesus is My Savior.

  23. Michael Fugate

    whale’s belly diving
    lion’s den petting zoo
    fiery furnace hot yoga
    temple of dagon jenga
    goliath slingshoot

  24. Matthew 21:12-13
    And Jesus went into the temple of God, and cast out all them that sold and bought in the temple, and overthrew the tables of the moneychangers, and the seats of them that sold doves, And said unto them, It is written, My house shall be called the house of prayer; but ye have made it a den of thieves.

  25. @Michael Fugate, you forgot talking donkeys obedience training
    Winemaking
    Separating sheep from goats

  26. Michael Fugate

    How about flying with Satan to the 4 corners of the earth?

  27. I sometimes wonder if Hambo is the very reincarnation of P.T. Barnum. It’s like a 3 ring circus, Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, setup step up here my friend and skate on glice…over in this ring we have your Ark Encounter…in this ring we have your zip lines.

  28. Joanne Cooper

    A carousel with unicorns, dinosaurs & Dumbo.

  29. One more example of how the Hamster mixes religious fanaticism with cynicism and greed.