Hurricane Florence Free Fire Zone

If you live in the Eastern US, you’re aware of Hurricane Florence. If you’re in the target area, you have our sympathies. However, there may be help on the way — from Pat Robertson, host of The 700 Club and Chairman of the Christian Broadcasting Network.

Look at this headline: Televangelist Pat Robertson commands Hurricane Florence: ‘You will do no damage’ here, which appears in the Charlotte Observer of Charlotte, North Carolina. Here are some excerpts, with bold font added by us for emphasis, and occasional Curmudgeonly interjections that look [like this]:

Televangelist Pat Robertson has commanded Hurricane Florence to stay away from land. [Ooooooooooooh!] In particular, Robertson said at a Monday prayer service, he doesn’t want what is now a Category 4 hurricane still at sea to “hurt” Regent University and the Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) — both founded by Robertson in the Virginia Beach area.

A reasonable request — especially since Virginia Beach is a bit north of the coastal area predicted to get the worst of the storm. Let’s read on:

“We declare in the name of the Lord that you shall go no farther, that you will do no damage in this area,” said the 88-year-old host of “The 700 Club” on CBN. “We declare a shield of protection all over the Tidewater (in Virginia) and … over those innocent people in the path of this hurricane. In Jesus’ holy name, be out to sea!”

A powerful prayer! Skipping a bit, here’s the end of it:

On Monday, Robertson predicted to those who prayed with him from church pews at CBN that “we will live to mark this day and say, ‘I remember, I was there when we saw that Hurricane Florence averted.’”

That’s the news. Now it’s time for an Intellectual Free-Fire Zone. We’re open for the discussion of pretty much anything — science, politics, economics, whatever — as long as it’s tasteful and interesting. Banter, babble, bicker, bluster, blubber, blather, blab, blurt, burble, boast — say what you will. But avoid flame-wars and beware of the profanity filters.

We now throw open the comments to you, dear reader. Have at it.

Copyright © 2018. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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39 responses to “Hurricane Florence Free Fire Zone

  1. Theodore Lawry

    Too bad Robinson couldn’t pray up a miracle when he was running for president. That would have given his campaign a big boost!

  2. Does he think he’s Moses? Even Jesus couldn’t control water. He walked on it, but he couldn’t make it go away!

  3. Just remember to update us after. I predict no miracle!

  4. Maybe he’s a clandestine atheist and wants to prove to the world that prayer doesn’t work.

  5. Why would Jesus care about a hurricane? He doesn’t even give a damn when children get raped.

    Tasteless? Yes. But not half as tasteless as Francis the Talking Mule…er, Pope, recommending more prayer and fasting to solve the problems of the Church.

  6. It’s a win-win. If the hurricane changes course, prayers worked; if no change, not enough of the faithful were praying fervently.

  7. … and when Hurricane Florence goes ahead and decimates Wilmington, just watch — Pat Robertson will blame it on the the U.S. having too many atheists.

    Too bad Mark Twain is no longer with us. He would have a ball writing about Pat Robertson, Ken Ham, et al. And we’d have a ball reading it all.

  8. Can you name the 300 most frequently used words in Charles Darwin’s ‘On The Origin of Species’?
    (This is from the First Edition text, 150,000 words (7,500 unique). Note that plurals and tenses are counted separately (monkey is different from monkeys and The Monkees).)

  9. Come to think of it, though, Mark Twain would have little time to write about the sorts of Pat Robertson. His talents would be totally focused on His Majesty Donald Trump.

  10. Twenty some years ago I got interested in creationism because it seemed so obviously wrong-headed. What I have learned is that it is worse than I imagined. But that it is resistant to logic, evidence and rhetoric. Irrationality has persisted – thrived – despite the genius of Mark Twain and so many
    others. If any of this survives a Dark Age, may we be recognized as having tried, with our meager talents.

  11. If this works, I expect that the DHS will engage Robertson to pray up an invisible but impenetrable wall along the border with Mexico–which can pay by generously donating to the 700 Club.

    In the meantime, I’d like to add my own fervent prayerful coda to Robertson’s current endeavour, viz.:

    O Hurricane Florence, now that thy destructive path toward the Carolinas and Virginia has been utterly blocked, I command thee in the name of The Flying Spaghetti Monster to swing south toward Florida and obliterate Mar-e-Lago and Disneyworld–but take extreme care that ye spare and smite not our beloved Curmudgeon.


  12. I seem to recall, when the terrifyingly named cyclone Debbie struck last year, Pastor Fabian from Square the Circle Ministries standing on a Melbourne beach, brandishing a wooden staff and confronting the elements with:


    Not surprisingly, this turned out to be wonderfully effective, as Debbie was expected to wreak her havoc on several states further north of the continent, and Melbourne is generally free of cyclones, anyway.

    When concerned local residents notified the authorities, police intervened to remove the would-be savior, but attempts to wrest the staff from him were met with fierce resistance:

    “FROM MY COLD! DEAD! HANDS!” pastor Fabian was heard to bellow, before being led away and sedated.

  13. Commanding the hurricane in the name of Jesus! Why is this not condemned from pulpits everywhere for it is blasphemous presumption?

  14. @rsg complains: “Too bad Mark Twain is no longer with us.”
    I’m happy enough with our dear SC. I have a ball reading his stuff almost every day.

    @PaulB: it’s far more important to condescendingly criticize unbelievers like you and me.

  15. @ChrisS: Couldn’t agree more. Fair dinkum, when was the last time anyone heard of a cyclone near Melbourne. Now, Cairns, the Cape, Darwin – that’s cyclone country. Just who was this fellow trying to kid?

  16. Looks like those prayers are working. Florence is turning a bit away from Virginia, which likely makes it significantly worse for those sinners in the Carolinas.

  17. Serve them right for moving that statue

  18. has several maps about the hurricane, one of which predicts the risk to life and property. Nearly all of North Carolina and much of southern Virginia is predicted as “extreme”, extending into the mountainous west. Where are people to go?

  19. TomS asks: “Where are people to go?”

    To Kentucky. Hambo’s ark will protect them.

  20. As part of my hospital’s disaster plan, I can’t join those people who are evacuating. Currently I am directly in the path. Thanks Pat.
    Although I am looking forward to catching up on all SC posts that I expect to miss in the coming days.

  21. Michael Fugate

    Here’s another way to deal with things we don’t like:

    Always look on the bright side of life by making it a law.

  22. The good and godly conservatives of the North Carolina legislature recently passed a bill this year (I believe) that directed their agencies to ignore any references to climate change, sea level rises, etc. This was done at the behest and support of those developers making money building homes near the ocean. They would have been thwarted by any studies limiting their profits selling land and residences to people gullible enough to ignore the evidence before their own eyes, now they will pay the price, dearly. Actually we taxpayers will likely contribute to their ill fortune for their ignorance.

  23. Well, DavidK, you can’t say they didin’t make their preparations in good trime, then

  24. As long as this is open season –
    There is a report on news media of the earliest known drawing by a human. In South Africa, dated to 76,000 years ago. It is not known what it is a drawing of. The report is in “Nature”.
    Of course, this is further example of detecting intelligent design.

  25. “To Kentucky. Hambo’s ark will protect them.”

    Considering how seaworthy it is, it cannot even remotely possibly float away.

  26. retiredsciguy – “…blame it on the the U.S. having too many atheists.”

    At the risk of being a bit pedantic, I think you’ll find hurricanes are caused by gayness. If I remember my Oogaboogology courses correctly, it’s *tornadoes* that are caused by atheists.

  27. Michael Fugate

    Earliest painting – 73,000 years before present – divide by 10 if you are a creationist…

  28. divide by 10
    I am reminded of an early boss of mine, of whom it was said by his staff, “When B. says something, divide by 4 or multiply by 4, as needed.”

  29. If hurricane hits him it’ll be “it’s God’s will.”

  30. Lemme guess: Intelligent design does not mean perfect design, but in this one instance, for what the author thinks is bad design there is some part that actually works well, so it shows good design. So, bad or good, it’s all designed.

    Did I miss anything?

  31. Is the 2nd law of thermodynamics well designed to prevent life? Or is life well designed to bypass the 2nd law?

  32. Or is life possible because of the 2nd law?
    Do biochemists take account of thermodynamics?

  33. Ah, not answering the question, a typical anti-evolution tactic.

    Did I miss anything?

  34. How does saying, “It can’t be evolution” answer the question?

  35. What happened to our friend? The previous five comments now seem poorly designed – which does not mean they weren’t intelligently designed, btw.

  36. Speaking of designers, check out today’s Dilbert:

  37. Michael Fugate

    New report in this week’s Science:
    The gaps are closing – humans just aren’t that special…

    “The ability to initiate a rapid defense against biotic attacks and mechanical damage is critical for all organisms. Multicellular organisms have developed mechanisms to systemically communicate the occurrence of a wound to help them escape or defend themselves from predators. Because plants are stationary and cannot escape herbivory, they must respond with chemical defenses to deter herbivores and repair damaged tissue. On page 1112 of this issue, Toyota et al. (1) report long-distance calcium ion signaling in the model plant Arabidopsis thaliana in response to caterpillar herbivory or mechanical wounding (see the image). They uncover long-distance calcium signals that require glutamate-like receptor (GLR) channels for signal propagation. These channels are activated by extracellular glutamate, a well-known mammalian neurotransmitter and a more recently uncovered developmental signal in plants (2). In mammals, glutamate receptors are central to fast excitatory neurotransmission, which is an intriguing parallel to their role as long-distance signals in wounding and defense in plants.”

  38. Mark Germano asks: “What happened to our friend?”

    He ceased being entertaining.