Hambo’s New Movie About the Flood

We have big news today from Ken Ham (ol’ Hambo) — the ayatollah of Appalachia, the world’s holiest man who knows more about religion and science than everyone else. He just posted Go Behind-the-Scenes of AiG Short Film New Beginning at the website of Answers in Genesis (AIG), Hambo’s creationist ministry. Here are some excerpts, with bold font added by us for emphasis, and occasional Curmudgeonly interjections that look [like this]:

Many people are familiar with the Genesis account of the flood and the ark. [Oh yeah!] But have you ever thought about how Noah and his family may have felt as the only world they knew was destroyed outside the ark by the raging floodwaters?

We’ve always wondered about that. Does Hambo have any insights? Eagerly, we read on:

Well, we’re excited to share with you an emotional and spectacular perspective on the flood account in the brand-new AiG short film, New Beginning.

Ooooooooooooh! Hambo’s movie is emotional and spectacular! He says:

This short film follows Shem’s wife as she writes down her memories of the evils of the pre-flood world and her time on the ark, and her perspective on the new world they’re now living in.

Wowie! Hambo has made a movie about a memoir written by Shem’s wife! How does he have access to this information? This is big news indeed! He tells us:

New Beginning really brings the account of the flood to life and offers a fresh and thoughtful perspective I believe you will enjoy.

Who wouldn’t enjoy Hambo’s movie? Then there’s a trailer of the movie you can click on. We haven’t looked at it. He continues:

New Beginning was largely an in-house project, with many of the characters — including the lead — being played by Answers in Genesis’ employees in departments as diverse as international outreach, IT, fabrication, Answers magazine, and more. They did a phenomenal job, and we’re thankful for their hard work and dedication to this project.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Hambo didn’t even have to hire actors. He’s so fortunate to have such great people working at AIG. Let’s read on:

The set, costume, and prop designs were also done by the talented team in our design studios. [Ooooooooooooh!] Unbelievably, the pre-flood world set was constructed almost entirely of cardboard and foam, but you’d never know it by looking at it! The ark scenes, along with the pre-flood world sequences, were also filmed in our design studio on a specially built set that could actually rock and move. The outdoor scenes were filmed at a beautiful location in Washington state.

This must be the greatest movie ever made! We’ll skip a bunch of promotional stuff. Aha, here’s one last excerpt:

Eventually, a longer version of this intriguing film will be played for guests to enjoy at the Answers Center, our state-of-the-art, 2,500-seat multi-purpose auditorium under construction at the Ark Encounter.

Wow — that’s really exciting news! Okay, dear reader. We know you want to click over there to learn about this move made from the diary of Shem’s nameless wife. Go ahead, click over there and check it all out. Then let us know what you think.

Copyright © 2018. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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29 responses to “Hambo’s New Movie About the Flood

  1. ” How does he have access to this information?”

    Silly atheist! He was there!

  2. Laurettte McGovern

    Yes, I would like to know how Noah and his family felt about all those people trying to keep their heads above water. But, I suppose it was better to keep some dinosaurs on board rather than actually save a few people.

  3. Has anybody been around after a flood. Just a smallish local flood, when the creek rises and you and your neighbors get a few feet of water. Not many drowned animals. Sure there is a little wetness, from the standpoint of water.
    But it is a huge mess which takes more than eight people, without modern powered vehicles – and remember that they only had two horses to help clear away fallen trees and such.

  4. Tom S, I see what you did there – love it!!

  5. My guess is the AIG “fabrication” department did most of the work. I wonder if Shem’s wife wrote her story in english, so Hambone’s followers could read it.

  6. Shem’s wife, that’s nice. Responsible for repopulating the earth but not important enough to have a name.

  7. Where did he get access to this information ? Well, he pulled it out of his *ss…..

  8. I should ask No Answers from AIG what happened to all the vials? Y`know, the ones that held all the microbes, fungi, insects, etc. Then we move on to the little baskets (no, not Hambo) that held all the bird eggs. Then. we can —–

  9. It’s interesting that people feel a need for a fuller account than the Bible offers. Why aren’t they content with what the Lord has deigned to tell us? The Bible does warn, in the last words of the Bible, not to add to what is revealed.

  10. That world looks quite primitive. I wonder where all the high-tech machinery was that Hambo elsewhere claims *might* have existed to enable the construction of the ark!

  11. So all of the men and especially the women of that time were so well educated and possessed a high degree of literacy! Did she use a ballpoint pen and tablets of cheap paper to record their exploits? That’s a story in itself!

  12. From the diary of Mrs Shem:

    “….Day 26:
    The Ark listed terribly from side to side last night, we barely managed a wink of sleep. Shem drank too much fermented goat’s milk before bed, and had terrible nightmares. He told me he dreamed he was a little girl hiding in an attic; and he woke up screaming: ‘The Gestapo! Don’t let them take me away!’

    We began the morning mucking out the animals’ stalls. Last time, it took several weeks. The animals keep getting seasick, so we’ve no sooner fed them, than we have to muck out all over again. The smell alone is really getting us down…

    Day 27:
    The Ark has sprung a leak in the hull. We drew lots, and sent Japheth over the side, dangling at the end of an Amazonian python, with a bucket of pitch we had leftover from the Ark’s construction. For the moment it seems to be holding fast. Japheth looked pretty green when we hauled him back up on deck…

    Later, when I peered over the stern, I saw thousands of bodies being tossed about in the churning waters. I know they were all sinners who deserved to die, but still…..I thought I saw old Mr. Silverstein, the counterhand at Reuben’s Deli, who always charged us extra shekels on the chopped liver. He was a spiteful, mean soul, so I guess we had the last laugh, after all…

    I can’t wait to get off this miserable boat and get back onto dry land…”

  13. Michael Fugate

    This isn’t even historical fiction – it’s just fiction about fiction.

  14. “But have you ever thought about ….”
    That’s what Noah is all about, isn’t it?

    Our dear SC is curious: “How does he have access to this information?”
    Ol’Hambo’s god answers his prayers, of course.
    I’ve watched the trailer and it adds nothing (not even dinosaurs) but one thing: back then the folks of Noah played Arabian music.

    @TomS asks: “Has anybody been around after a flood.”
    Not personally, but my native country has a long tradition of floods.

  15. All of the HAMster’s sentences about the great job that AiG did could be greatly reduced to a single word that he used in his description: *fabrication*

  16. Hopefully they include the scene when Noah gets drunk and ‘uncovered’ himself. We assume that the master himself will take on the role of Noah.

  17. “Unbelievably, the pre-flood world set was constructed almost entirely of cardboard and foam, but you’d never know it by looking at it!”

    Cardboard and foam seem an adequate setting for such a cheap script. (Do you think they got the foam from the corner of Ham’s mouth when he talks about evolution?) I hope they added wool for the clouds.

  18. From the diary of Mrs. Shem: “Day 69: Oy, I slipped and fell into a pile of dinosaur poop this morning. Why did Noah bring those creatures aboard? Why did my idiot husband agree to this voyage to nowhere? Why am I here? What kind of deity does this to the world he created?”

  19. @Ross Cameron
    all the microbes, fungi, insects, etc.
    One common explanation by Arkeologists is that only animals were affected by the Flood, so no need for saving most microbes and fungi, and only
    terrestrial tetrapods, thus excluding invertebrates. Some have said that insects survived by floating on rafts of plants.
    My guess is that there would not be any particular care needed for growing fungi on the Ark.
    .

  20. Some inspiration for Ol’Hambo in case he wants to make some more movies:

    http://www.cracked.com/pictofacts-1090-22-times-censors-butchered-movies-shows-beyond-recognition/

    Nr. 20. I’m pretty sure that this company is the guilty one:

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Evangelische_Omroep

    It’s rather popular in the Dutch Bible Belt.

  21. Folks in the Carolinas know a lot about flooding; so do those in Puerto Rico and Houston. Fiction is all Hambo has ever been able to offer. By the way, when I clicked on the link, his website was down for “intelligent design” that won’t take millions of years to come back.

  22. From the secret tapes of YHWH’s office, bugged by covert minions of Lucifer:

    “Those f*****g weasel-faced humans! I go to the trouble of creating them, they fornicate with their neighbors’ wives; worship Baal! Baal, for my sake! Don’t make me laugh! Well, f**k them all to Kingdom Come! I’ll drown the lot of ’em, just see if I don’t!”

    (Turns to camera, gives double-victory sign): “I’mmmm…not a crook.”

  23. Michael Fugate

    New Galileo letter found – 400 years ago Galileo knew more Ham does now.
    https://www.nature.com/articles/d41586-018-06769-4

  24. @abeastwood: “I wonder if Shem’s wife wrote her story in english”
    Of course she did! If English was good enough for Jesus, it was certainly good enough for his great^n-grandmother, Shem’s wife. (I could say what number n is, if I wasn’t too lazy to count “son of”s in Luke 3.)

  25. Michael Fugate

    Genesis 6:5
    “And GOD saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually.”

    Is Ken’s imagination up to the task? Creationists are pretty unimaginative as a whole, so one wonders.

  26. @TomS You’re right about no effort to grow fungi in the ark. They “would” have been up to their ears in fungi growing on the walls, floors, everywhere else. I’m rather surprised that Ham hasn’t thought about that and pitched it as a food source for the animals – vegetarian, of course.

  27. Ok; now that we have heard from Shem’s wife, what about the wives of Larry, Curly, Moe?

  28. “… what about the wives of Larry, Curly, Moe?”
    You left out Shemp, Joe, and Curly Joe! Or did they not make it aboard Noah’s big box? An “ark” is a chest or box, but bible based religionists prefer pretending it was a boat to hide their embarrassment over the unseaworthiness of the biblically described single window box.
    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Three_Stooges

  29. Ark is a chest or box, not a boat.
    If you take a look for old pictures of Noah’s Ark, you will find a lot of them picture a chest or box rather than a boat. The Bible does not mention any of the defining characteristics of a boat: prow, stern, keel, rudder, sails, oars. So much for literalism.