Hambo Offers the Ultimate Creationist Experience

This is what you’ve been waiting for, dear reader. Look at this thrilling headline: Enjoy Special Family Pricing with Our “Family Voyage” at the Ark Encounter.

It’s at the website of Answers in Genesis (AIG), his creationist ministry of Ken Ham (ol’ Hambo) — the ayatollah of Appalachia, the world’s holiest man who knows more about religion and science than everyone else. Here are some excerpts, with bold font added by us for emphasis, and occasional Curmudgeonly interjections that look [like this]:

I have heard so many Ark Encounter and Creation Museum guests say that they wish they had more time to visit both attractions and that they planned their family vacation to Northern Kentucky just because of them. (Northern Kentucky is now a leading faith-based tourism destination in the world.) Well, you spoke, and we listened, so I’m thrilled to announce a brand-new pricing option [Gasp!] that will allow you to more easily plan your extended vacation in Northern Kentucky.

We know you’re excited, so let’s keep going. Hambo says:

We are now offering an unlimited seven-day pass option for families called the “Family Voyage.” [Ooooooooooooh!] This multi-day pass allows a family, defined as immediate family members (parent/legal guardian) and their dependent children 18 and under, to enjoy unlimited admission [Wowie!] to both the Ark Encounter and the Creation Museum for a seven consecutive days.

Can you believe it? Unlimited admission for seven consecutive days, not only to the infamous, mind-boggling Creation Museum, but also to Hambo’s exact replica of Noah’s Ark known as Ark Encounter. Overwhelming, isn’t it? But wait — there’s more! Hambo tells us:

With “Family Voyage” you can enjoy everything these attractions have to offer, including exhibits, the Ararat Ridge Zoo (at the Ark Encounter) and Eden Animal Experience (at the Creation Museum), botanical gardens (at the Creation Museum), all daily presentations (most workshops, lectures, etc.), and many other activities (with the exception of certain ticketed events). And if there’s an Answers in Genesis conference taking place while you are visiting, you can enjoy all the conference sessions for free with your “Family Voyage” pass!

All your drooling dreams have come true! Hambo continues:

Your pass also includes these additional perks [Egad, there’s more!]: free, unlimited parking at both attractions, one child (age 12 or younger) eats free at either attraction with one adult meal purchase (up to two children free), 10% off retail at either attraction, and a souvenir entrance card for each member of your family.

Hambo goes on a bit more, and there are links you can use to take advantage of this opportunity. Your Curmudgeon is overcome with emotion. Never, not even in our wildest dreams, did we imagine anything even remotely like this.

As we conclude, we must ask for your assistance. What is the appropriate term to use for someone who actually takes advantage of this offer and spends seven consecutive days at Hambo’s ark and museum? All tasteful suggestions are welcome.

Copyright © 2019. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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16 responses to “Hambo Offers the Ultimate Creationist Experience

  1. Do the nitwits buying this pay the safety fee every time they enter, for each person, once or not at all?

  2. hammy says “This multi-day pass allows a family, defined as immediate family members (parent/legal guardian) and their dependent children 18 and under, to enjoy unlimited admission [Wowie!] to both the Ark Encounter and the Creation Museum for a seven consecutive days.” Oh good. Now my half brother jethro on jimmy joe jacky john’s side can go !!

  3. 7 days? So the slow readers (most of Kens followers) can get through all the signs now?

  4. Derek Freyberg

    “What is the appropriate term to use for someone who actually takes advantage of this offer and spends seven consecutive days at Hambo’s ark and museum?”
    $499 poorer.
    That’s for the family plan. And of course you’d also need a place to stay and meals (even if one/two of the kiddies get a free meal when their parents buy one at Hambo’s buffet). And there’s getting there and home again.
    That’s a lot of loot.

  5. About as ethical as strangers bribing kids with candy to hop in their car. Or parents raising their kids on a diet of McDonalds. Ham is your pusherman giving the myth addicts their fix: a hit far more intense than anything one could get from just plodding through the bible stories on the page.

    Junkies for Jesus.

  6. “a leading faith-based tourism destination in the world”
    Even Ol’Hambo isn’t capable of holding up this facade. What does he always claim? “Darwinism is a religion”, ie faith-based. And many “fait-based tourism destinations”, ie secular musea that actually present scientific stuff, beat Ol’Hambo’s parks hands down.

    “All tasteful suggestions are welcome.”
    Given that I am me I expect to fail regarding the “tasteful” demand, but I still suggest Ol’Hambo’s creacrap surfer(s).

  7. I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand, seven days of concentrated preaching should put most children off creationism for life. On the other hand, it gives Ham’s income a short-term boost.

  8. @Bwbach, I strongly suspect this card counts as a single ticket in Ham’s eyes. So 50 cents tax for the lot.

  9. Curmudgeon, can you do something about WordPress forgetting my credentials every time? It’s bloody annoying.

  10. ….said I.

  11. Draken, this is a problem that has just started to happen, and it’s not just with you. In the blog’s settings, I can click on “Comment author must fill out name and email,” which would avoid “Anonymous” posting, but it might cause unnecessary problems for everyone else, so I don’t know how to handle this.

  12. The problem is *not* specific to this website. It appears to be with any website using WordPress due to changes in WordPress. And yes it is very annoying at *every* WordPress site that I visit (several).

  13. What Zetopan writes. It has happened to me a few times as well (and not only on this blog), just not this time. What I do styping my name a couple of times until WordPress starts to recognize it again.
    So I just accept that WordPress is the favourite battleground of the Great Hands from Above and lesser gods like YHWH.

  14. I see a typo in Hammys announcement.”One child under twelve eats free” should have said,
    Those most susceptible to fraud and magical fairy tales which might hamper their ability to think logically or evaluate information and those liable to be convinced to reject established science at an early age, get free food in order to solidify the effects of the willful ignorance we are presenting to your child”
    There fixed that part of Hambos announcement!!

  15. This is also happening at WEIT, and Coyne is banning all anonymous comments

  16. Hambo reminds me of con artists er I mean “salesmen” that try to sell you stuff for quarter a piece, 3 for a dollar. There was some speculation (the Utah Outcasts in particular) that the new family deal was a way to either get away with not paying the safety tax, or to obfuscate the safety tax so it can’t be used to determine attendance. After seeing the price tag ($500.00!) I see it is a money grab for the naive vacationer who will end up spending 4 hours at the ark and then go home like everyone else.