This is what you’ve been waiting for, dear reader. Look at this thrilling headline: Enjoy Special Family Pricing with Our “Family Voyage” at the Ark Encounter.
It’s at the website of Answers in Genesis (AIG), his creationist ministry of Ken Ham (ol’ Hambo) — the ayatollah of Appalachia, the world’s holiest man who knows more about religion and science than everyone else. Here are some excerpts, with bold font added by us for emphasis, and occasional Curmudgeonly interjections that look [like this]:
I have heard so many Ark Encounter and Creation Museum guests say that they wish they had more time to visit both attractions and that they planned their family vacation to Northern Kentucky just because of them. (Northern Kentucky is now a leading faith-based tourism destination in the world.) Well, you spoke, and we listened, so I’m thrilled to announce a brand-new pricing option [Gasp!] that will allow you to more easily plan your extended vacation in Northern Kentucky.
We know you’re excited, so let’s keep going. Hambo says:
We are now offering an unlimited seven-day pass option for families called the “Family Voyage.” [Ooooooooooooh!] This multi-day pass allows a family, defined as immediate family members (parent/legal guardian) and their dependent children 18 and under, to enjoy unlimited admission [Wowie!] to both the Ark Encounter and the Creation Museum for a seven consecutive days.
Can you believe it? Unlimited admission for seven consecutive days, not only to the infamous, mind-boggling Creation Museum, but also to Hambo’s exact replica of Noah’s Ark known as Ark Encounter. Overwhelming, isn’t it? But wait — there’s more! Hambo tells us:
With “Family Voyage” you can enjoy everything these attractions have to offer, including exhibits, the Ararat Ridge Zoo (at the Ark Encounter) and Eden Animal Experience (at the Creation Museum), botanical gardens (at the Creation Museum), all daily presentations (most workshops, lectures, etc.), and many other activities (with the exception of certain ticketed events). And if there’s an Answers in Genesis conference taking place while you are visiting, you can enjoy all the conference sessions for free with your “Family Voyage” pass!
All your drooling dreams have come true! Hambo continues:
Your pass also includes these additional perks [Egad, there’s more!]: free, unlimited parking at both attractions, one child (age 12 or younger) eats free at either attraction with one adult meal purchase (up to two children free), 10% off retail at either attraction, and a souvenir entrance card for each member of your family.
Hambo goes on a bit more, and there are links you can use to take advantage of this opportunity. Your Curmudgeon is overcome with emotion. Never, not even in our wildest dreams, did we imagine anything even remotely like this.
As we conclude, we must ask for your assistance. What is the appropriate term to use for someone who actually takes advantage of this offer and spends seven consecutive days at Hambo’s ark and museum? All tasteful suggestions are welcome.
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