It’s been a long time since we gave you a report about your Curmudgeon’s cutting-edge research, conducted in our superbly-equipped, secret, underground la-BOR-a-tory.
As we’ve previously reported, one of our teams is busily developing an anti-gravity machine. Another has almost completed the prototype of a functional time machine. A third team is conducting faster-then-light research. Yet another is about to perfect a perpetual motion machine. We also explore the mysteries of the Time Cube. But if you’re wondering about creationism, the answer is No. We don’t bother with silly ideas.
Today we’d like to give you an update about something we briefly mentioned a couple of days ago — it’s the Curmudgeon’s theory of the recently expanded Earth. Briefly, the idea is this: we know that The Earth Is Flat!, because the bible says so. At least — and this is the important thing — it was flat when the bible was written. But it’s not flat now, of course. So what happened? That’s where our new theory comes in.
The theory of Recent Terrestrial Inflation (or RTI) explains so much! First, it’s consistent with a literal reading of the bible, and that’s important for any scientific theory. Second, it explains so many things that had been used as objections to the global flood in the days of Noah. You’ve seen questions like “How did all the animals — especially the three-toed sloth — get to South America after the Flood?” Recent Terrestrial Inflation explains it!
Similarly, it explains how kangaroos and other species got to Australia without leaving a trail of fossilized ancestors all across Asia. Not long after the Flood, the Earth was swiftly expanded to a spherical shape and those creatures — along with the continents where the were living — were moved to where they are now.
So there you are, dear reader. As a result of your Curmudgeon’s cutting-edge research — you can have your bible and your spherical Earth — with no conflicts!
To celebrate our achievement, we’re declaring another Intellectual Free-Fire Zone. We’re open for the discussion of pretty much anything — science, politics, economics, or even astrology, theology, mythology, and sociology — as long as it’s tasteful and interesting. Banter, babble, bicker, bluster, blubber, blather, blab, blurt, burble, boast — say what you will. But avoid flame-wars and beware of the profanity filters.
We now throw open the comments to you, dear reader. Have at it!
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