Most of you know about Pascal’s Wager. Wikipedia describes it like this:
Pascal argues that a rational person should live as though God exists and seek to believe in God. If God does not actually exist, such a person will have only a finite loss (some pleasures, luxury, etc.), whereas he stands to receive infinite gains (as represented by eternity in Heaven) and avoid infinite losses (eternity in Hell).
You also know about the wager’s criticisms, many summarized in that same Wikipedia article (see Criticism). But there’s another criticism never mentioned before — Pascal’s wager doesn’t go far enough!
Today we’re causing a major advance in theology by announcing the result of years of solitary cutting-edge research conducted in our superbly-equipped, secret, underground la-BOR-a-tory. We call it The Curmudgeon’s Wager, and it goes like this:
Pascal’s wager is woefully inadequate. It deals only with the existence of God. But if the reward of the wager is to be won, there is much more that must be believed — and again, there is no penalty if such beliefs are wrong. Therefore, if you want to avoid the Lake of Fire and win an eternity of bliss, your Curmudgeon says you must also believe in:
1. Young Earth
2. Flat Earth
3. Sin-cursed Earth
4. Earth-centered universe
5. Intelligently designed Earth, and
6. Recently flooded Earth
The timid among you may reject this by protesting that our wager demands too much. But does it really? We say that if you want eternal ecstasy, you should be willing to go all the way. Paradise is not for the timid!
In conclusion, if you’re aware of any other vital doctrine that should also be believed, please let us know. Considering the eternal stakes involved, we don’t want to take any risks.
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