Creationist Wisdom #983: Hambo Disciple

Today’s letter-to-the-editor was brought to our attention by our clandestine operative in Kentucky — code named “Bluegrass.” It appears in the Idaho State Journal of Pocatello, Idaho. The letter is titled RE: Kay Merriam, and the newspaper doesn’t seem to have a comments feature.

Because the writer isn’t a politician, preacher, or other public figure, we won’t embarrass or promote him by using his full name. His first name is Albert. Excerpts from his letter will be enhanced with our Curmudgeonly commentary, some bold font for emphasis, and occasional Curmudgeonly interjections that look [like this]. Here we go!

I keep saying, “The Bible is God’s ONLY written word to us.” [Hooray for Albert!] On Aug. 25, 2019, Kay Merriam wrote in this newspaper, “Earth is now at its warmest in 120,000 years. … Carbon dioxide is at its highest in a million years.” This is untrue!

Albert is probably referring to this: Small things you can do to help the climate. Kay Merriam is a contributor to that newspaper. She was president of the state League of Women Voters for two years and president of the Pocatello chapter for two years as well. Albert says her column is untrue, and he tells us why:

The National Geographic, anti-Christian writers, the ISU museum [presumably Idaho State University] all promote the lie of evolution and in billions of years.

Ooooooooooooh! Evolution is a lie! Albert says:

In Kentucky, Answers in Genesis has the Creation Museum and Ark Encounter. [Yeah!] The museum explains the seven C’s of history.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA! We once wrote about that — see Ten-Foot Wide Creationist Wall Chart. Albert’s referring to an item in Hambo’s gift shop — a huge wall chart, about which Hambo says: “The Seven C’s of History provide a framework for understanding the true history of the universe as presented in the Bible.”

We always wondered who would buy a thing like that. Now we know — it’s Albert. He’s probably got it up on his bedroom wall. Let’s see what he says about the Seven C’s:

First is Creation. God created the world in six ordinary 24-hour days about 6,000 years ago. The Hebrew word for day in Genesis chapter 1 is “Yom,” (a literal 24-hour day). Second is Corruption. The Garden of Eden was perfect but Adam and Eve sinned. God revealed a coming Saviour, Jesus Christ. Catastrophe is the third C. God instructed Noah to build the ark. The entire world was flooded about 4,400 years ago. Noah and seven family members plus animals including dinosaurs were on the ark.

Those are the first three C’s. There’s four more to go. Albert continues:

The next C was Confusion. The disobedient descendants of Noah decided to stay in one place on the earth after the flood and build the Tower of Babel. God confused their language with several different languages so they had to scatter worldwide. The fifth C is Christ. Because of man’s sin, God send his only Son, Jesus Christ, as a saviour. He’s the most important person in all of history. The Cross is the sixth C and that is where Jesus died to atone for sin. Nobody else can save us. There is no salvation in any other name except Jesus Christ.

Ooooooooooooh! And there’s still one more to go. Here it is:

Consummation is the seventh C. [Huh?] In the beginning, God had created a beautiful world but because of sin death, disease, pain and suffering occurred. God will make a new heaven and a new earth one day. If you have repented and believed in what Christ did on the cross, you will be in this new heaven and earth.

In case you didn’t already know it, in addition to his other accomplishments, Hambo is the world’s greatest historian. Albert then informs us:

Here is God’s plan for you. First, God loves you (John 3:16). Second, all are sinners (Romans 3:23). Third, God has a remedy for sins (Romans 6:23). Fourth, all may be saved now (Romans 10:13). Fifth, you can receive Christ as your Saviour. Sixth, seek a Bible believing church. Seventh, Romans 10:9 gives you assurance as a believer.

Albert finishes his letter with some advice for the columnist who was so terribly wrong:

Kay Merriam should travel to Kentucky to visit the Creation Museum and Ark Encounter.

That’s good advice, Albert — not just for Kay Merriam, but for everyone — especially you, dear reader.

Copyright © 2019. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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16 responses to “Creationist Wisdom #983: Hambo Disciple

  1. Hey Albert, the plan of your god [bleep]s.

  2. Laurettte McGovern

    So, god will make a new earth and a new heaven one day. How many times must he do it until he gets it right?

  3. Michael Fugate

    Presumably when we get to heaven or hell (as the case may be) we lose free will and won’t be able to sin. God apparently didn’t realize this would be an issue before it arose. It is interesting that early in the Bible, God appears to punish the bad and reward the good, then gets tired or bored of keeping track and just punishes everybody, then punishes people arbitrarily on earth and promises to punish the bad after they are dead. Given the inability to take care of things on earth, why would anyone think God would be able to do it somewhere else? If everyone lives forever anyway, why have people die and if you are able to punish people upon death, why not on earth?

  4. Well,all I can say is that it appears Albert can count from 1 to 7, and maybe even from 7 to 1. Next come his colors.

  5. Eddie Janssen

    “The fifth C is Christ. Because of man’s sin, God send his only Son, Jesus Christ, as a saviour.”
    The way this is written suggests that Jesus existed before he was send to earth. Did Jesus exist during the Genesis period?

  6. It’s complicated. He is identified as the “Word” [logos] in John that created the world with God, as well as being identified as Melchizedek, among others.

  7. FINALLY! We have heard from one of Hams “Lifetime Pass” holders.

    Or least his sock puppet…….

  8. @Eddie Janssen, it varies a bit depending on denomination but, yes, if you believe that the events of Genesis actually occurred, the Son of God existed during the events described. If you think they’re metaphorical and/or mythical (as I do), then, no, because it’s not an actual description of events.

  9. “Consummation”?
    Hams seems to have struggled to find a seventh ‘C’. What about CO2? Would have been more relevant.

  10. Michael Fugate

    Why not 12 Cs – another magic number in the Bible.
    To help Ken, here are some suggestions: cabal, cadaver, call or called, calumny, cataclysm, charlatan, cheesemakers, comedy, compassion, connubial, crank, crown, cupidity, cynical…

  11. It was Hambo’s Seven C’s that inspired us to announce the Curmudgeon’s Three F’s, which also come from the bible: the Flat Earth, the Firmament, and the Fixed location of the Earth, around which the Sun and the other lights in the sky revolve.

    Oh wait, there’s also the Fall and the Flood. Now I’ve got Five F’s.

  12. There are the traditional 6 W’s, which Intelligent Design does not answer:
    What, When, Where, Who, Why & hoW.

  13. Btw about the Fall.
    I have often heard that the Fall is literally true.
    The literal meaning of “fall” is to move through space under the influence of gravity.
    Figuratively, it is to change from one status to a lesser status.

  14. chris schilling

    “Here is God’s plan for you. First…” blah blah blah.

    C also stands for contrivance. And curmudgeon. And a chorus of catcalls for Albert’s cesspool of collected crap.

  15. Mark Germano

    C is for C-note, the method by which Ham prefers you to donate.

    “Second is Corruption. The Garden of Eden was perfect but Adam and Eve sinned. God revealed a coming Saviour*, Jesus Christ.”

    So, six literal days to create the entire universe, but 4,000 years to get the savior in place.

    *Maybe only interesting to me that a fundy cat from Idaho doesn’t use the American spelling of this word.

  16. For those who want to read more about this sort of thing, the variations (all of the variations, each of which is obviously the only possible reading of the Bible), search for the term “dispensation”.