Creationist Wisdom #1,036: Toilet Paper Is Idolatry

Today’s letter-to-the-editor appears in the Grand Island Independent of Grand Island, Nebraska. It’s titled Hoarding a sign of rebellion. They have a comments feature, but there are no comments yet.

Because today’s writer isn’t a politician, preacher, or other public figure, we won’t embarrass or promote him by using his full name. His first name is Richard. Excerpts from his letter will be enhanced with our Curmudgeonly commentary, some bold font for emphasis, and occasional Curmudgeonly interjections that look [like this]. Here we go!

Barry Glassner recently blamed hoarding in the wake of COVID-19 on evolution, which has “hard-wired” humans to act this way when “confronted with novel threats.” The ideology of evolution is indirectly a cause of hoarding.

That seems to be a reference to some sociologist who appeared recently on CNN. We didn’t see it, and although it pops up if you search on “Barry Glassner hoarding,” we won’t bother with it. Anyway, that seems to have prompted Richard’s letter, which then says:

The ideology of evolution began with Charles Darwin who wanted to remove God as the cause of everything. [Groan!] Through his observation of changes in the shape of the beaks of finches over time, Darwin theorized that all species evolved from one through a long period of natural selection.

Darwin saw those finches and then announced his crazy theory. He was obviously an idiot. Richard tells us:

Logically Darwin’s theory should result in fewer species rather than more as weaker species fail to adapt to environmental changes. [Right — start with many, end up with a few, or maybe one.] Nevertheless, like-minded people [All of them fools!] used Darwin’s ideas to form theories about the origin of the Universe always rejecting any notion of a creator God.

Origin of species, origin of the universe, it’s all the same. Richard continues:

Hoarding is another example of the rebellion of humans against their creator who “in the beginning … created the heavens and the earth.” Genesis 1:1 Hoarding is a violation of the commandment which says, “You shall have no other gods before me.” Exodus 20:3

Right — hoarding is nothing more than Polytheism. Let’s read on:

Martin Luther explained this by saying ”we should fear (have a profound reverence and awe), love and trust in God above all things.” We all break this commandment when we make the possession of things such as toilet paper the source of our security. How silly is that!

Your Curmudgeon is convinced — no more toilet paper for us! Richard’s rant ends on a very uplifting note:

God, who is not the evil tyrant that Darwin envisioned, out of love sent his Son into the world to redeem humans from the consequences of our rebellion. … Through his sacrificial death Jesus paid the penalty for the sins of all people and opened the way to reconciliation with God for all who place their trust in him.

One of the best letters we’ve seen in a long time. Well done, Richard!

Copyright © 2020. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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11 responses to “Creationist Wisdom #1,036: Toilet Paper Is Idolatry

  1. Michael Fugate

    If we hoard, then evolution is true? Or do we hoard because we believe evolution is true? If we don’t believe it is true, then we won’t hoard? All hoarders believe evolution is true? What are we supposed to conclude?

  2. Not that it matters to our letter writer, but Darwin had a *lot* more evidence than just finch beaks!

  3. Bah!

    I’ll give you my last roll of toilet paper when you pry it from my cold, dead hands…

  4. Not only finches, but also TP. What started out as leaves and corncobs gradually evolved into Sears catalogs. Soon this evolved into separate little sheets of paper, the idea spread widely and different makes and textures evolved to fill the need. Paper square dispensing evolved as well, many forms adopting a roll dispensing form of delivery. So many other species found this TP beneficial for their existence, even bears who extol the soft, fluffy squares. Rather than one dominant form of TP there is a multitude of sub-species, all competing for their existence.

  5. Desnes Diev

    “God, who is not the evil tyrant that Darwin envisioned, out of love sent his Son into the world to redeem humans from the consequences of our rebellion”

    We must all remember the13th commandment: Thou shalt not pile up TP because Jesus is kindly coming back with more!

  6. Michael Fugate

    Who knew that the actual expulsion from the Garden of Eden was in 1859?

  7. “Darwin’s ideas to form theories about the origin of the Universe”
    Yeah, without Darwin neither Einstein, nor Friedmann nor Lemaitre (gasp! a christian!) could have done any work.
    Excellent stuff indeed.

  8. Strange how it is mostly religious people that are doing the hoarding!!! The few atheists I talk with are still trying to figure out …WHY???

  9. Where’s a Sears Roebuck catalog when you need one eh Rich ?? Darned Darwinists stole all the TP !

  10. chris schilling

    “You shall have no other gods before me.”

    Funny, I read that commandment as the expression of a deeply insecure, possessive god who wants to hoard human worship, and not let any other gods have any.

    Classic paranoia, combined with deep-rooted anxiety, probably formed in childhood. And just to throw a little outmoded Freudianism into the mix: maybe penis envy, as well. This is one seriously effed up god.🤔

  11. chris schilling

    Richard the First writes: “Martin Luther explained this by saying…” blah blah blah.

    Bringing a constipated crackpot like Martin Luther into the context of hoarding toilet paper is ironic, to say the least. Luther was so weird you could say he hoarded his own feces, rather than face the sulphuric temptations of the privy.

    As everyone knows, when you defecate, that’s when — oooooohhhh! — the demons might get you!😈