Hambo’s Ark & Museum — Closed But Not Closed

This is one of the most wondrous tales we’ve ever heard, and we are pleased to pass it on to you. It was written by Ken Ham (ol’ Hambo) — the ayatollah of Appalachia, the world’s holiest man who knows more about religion and science than everyone else.

As you know, ol’ Hambo is responsible for bringing to this sin-cursed world not only the infamous, mind-boggling Creation Museum, but also his exact replica of Noah’s Ark known as Ark Encounter. They have been a source of inspiration for millions of droolers.

We were recently shocked — shocked! — to learn that ol’ Hambo was closing those tourist attractions because of the coronavirus pandemic. That was when we posted Why Is Hambo Doing this? We said:

We are truly amazed. Why are they doing this? If there is any place on Earth where the protection of divine providence guarantees the immunity of all who work or visit there, it should be Hambo’s enterprises.

But we were wrong — so very wrong! — to doubt ol’ Hambo. Look what he just posted at the website of Answers in Genesis (AIG), his creationist ministry. It’s titled The Two Witnesses. Here are some excerpts, with bold font added by us for emphasis, and occasional Curmudgeonly interjections that look [like this]:

Right now they’re silent — but not really. [Huh?] In the past, millions of people have heard their witness. Millions more have heard of their bold [Bold!] proclamation of the gospel — they shout the message of the cross. Books tell of them. Videos have recorded them. Atheists are frightened of them and want them to go away. [The fools!] The media has mocked them, but they keep showing up on TV. And though somewhat silent right now, they will speak more loudly than ever soon. In fact, they teach the Easter message every day of the year. People from nations around the world have heard of them. They are two powerful witnesses. And what are they? The Ark Encounter and Creation Museum.

But they’re closed, so what’s Hambo saying? He explains:

Yes, the Ark and museum may seem silent right now, but they have been [sic] already been boldly [Boldly!] presenting the message of the saving gospel and the message of the cross to millions. And they still do through the many articles, books, videos, and other resources that have been produced about their vital messages. Yes, the Ark Encounter and Creation Museum present the Easter message day after day after day. And so they should. It’s the most important message to proclaim in the universe. [Gasp!] The message that explains man’s problems (sin), our separation from God, and God’s solution Jesus Christ.

Wowie — Hambo’s tourist attractions boldly proclaim the most important message in the universe! Ponder that, dear reader. It makes your own work seem rather insignificant, doesn’t it? Well, compared to Hambo, you are insignificant! Ponder that too. Okay. Skipping some scripture stuff, he tells us:

And even though these AiG attractions are temporarily closed due to the Coronavirus situation, they still stand as (silent) witnesses for the message of salvation. And even as they still present their messages in many ways during the closure, we encourage you to get ready to come and visit these great testaments to the truths of the Bible and the gospel. When they reopen, they will boldly [Boldly!] present the truth of God’s Word and the salvation message to a dying world.

There’s some more scripture stuff, which you’ll want to click over there and read, but we’ve excerpted enough, so this is where we leave ol’ Hambo. The ark and museum are closed, but they’re not closed. Verily, it’s a miracle!

Copyright © 2020. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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10 responses to “Hambo’s Ark & Museum — Closed But Not Closed

  1. siluriantrilobite

    And if we don’t let him reopen soon, we are persecuting him and denying his religious freedumb.


  2. Michael Fugate

    As Chris S foretold with Green Ark and Ham –
    I do not like it Sam I am
    I do not like Green Ark and Ham
    I will not visit your boat
    A boat that won’t float
    Not with a stoat
    Not with a goat
    Ham please take note
    Afraid it is not the cause
    the exhibits all have flaws

    I am sure someone else could make this much better…

  3. Simple idolatry, like the golden calf, now the ark and fake museum.

  4. What sort of Easter message would an ark that can’t float and a creation museum have for Easter? Reading Ham’s announcement, one might conclude the baby Jesus was on the ark too, perhaps helping to shovel the camel shi* out of it.

  5. Ah, such a fine example christian humility.

  6. For the time being science has the upper hand. Real science. Let’s keep it that way.

  7. Robert van Bakel

    The town that supplied the land, tax breaks, and other goodies is not apparently receiving its “expected” (?) remuneration.
    Could the ‘carpet bagger’ Ham have possibly flim flammed them?
    This is too good to hope for. The schadenfreude of ‘small town’ folk, being shafted by religious schyster is just too delectable.

  8. Dave Luckett

    If Ham thinks that his Creation Museum and carny Ark are “witnesses” to anything except human credulity, he is either fooling himself or trying to fool others – or, most likely, both.

    As is always the case with someone whose interests are served by falsehood, it’s impossible to sort genuine belief in the falsehood from knowing fraud. Such a task would require a comprehensive understanding of all the workings of the mind of Ken Ham. Impossible.

  9. chris schilling


    Trump on Fox
    Masks in stocks
    Guns for jocks
    Jocks buy Glocks

    Boats in docks
    Boats with locks!
    Ham has shocks
    A pox on locks!

    Jesus rocks!
    Time tick tocks
    No more flocks
    Atheist mocks

  10. To that, ChrisS, I’ll drink some grogs.