Hambo’s Guide to the Coronavirus

This is an example of the incredible benevolence we all expect from Ken Ham (ol’ Hambo) — the ayatollah of Appalachia, the world’s holiest man who knows more about religion and science than everyone else. He just posted this at the website of Answers in Genesis (AIG), his creationist ministry: Free Guide — Coronavirus: a Biblical and Practical Guide. Here are some excerpts, with bold font added by us for emphasis, and occasional Curmudgeonly interjections that look [like this]:

It seems like the coronavirus has been the topic of almost every conversation for weeks now — and that’s actually a good opening [A good opening to what?] to speak truth to others. What do I mean by that?

What in the world is Hambo talking about? He explains:

Well, right now the same thing is on every person’s mind — coronavirus and its impact. And, regardless of our personal views on the various models of treatment or the politics of the issue, we have an easy opening to share truth with others.

*Groan!* Hambo’s using the virus to preach The Truth. He tells us:

That’s one reason we created Coronavirus: A Biblical and Practical Guide: 10 Biblical Principles & Practical Tips for Christians [link omitted] in the COVID-19 Pandemic. This guide not only gives you some practical tips for keeping yourself and others safe, but it also gives you ideas on how to share Christ’s love with others during this time.

And that’s not all Hambo’s guide contains. He continues:

It will also equip you with answers to questions about suffering and whether or not this could be God’s judgment or the devil’s work.

Wowie — that’s exactly what you’ve been wanting to know! In his next paragraph, Hambo reveals the world-class experts who wrote his guide:

Coronavirus: A Biblical and Practical Guide has contributions from medical doctor Elizabeth Mitchell, microbiology professor Andrew Fabich, engineer Bodie Hodge, and me.

Ooooooooooooh! The guide is by Hambo and his creation scientists, one of whom (Bodie) is also Hambo’s son-in-law. It couldn’t possibly be any better! Actually, it does get better. Hambo’s post ends with fabulous news:

This guide is available as a free download. [Gasp!] Simply visit our website [link omitted] to get this helpful tool delivered straight to your email inbox.

You gotta admit, dear reader, Hambo is the greatest benefactor imaginable! Get his guide. Get it now! Then let us know what it says.

Copyright © 2020. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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9 responses to “Hambo’s Guide to the Coronavirus

  1. “[link omitted]”
    And rightly so – to get access you have sign up. No way Ol’Hambo is going to share his insights for free – he wants your data this time.

  2. Coronavirus:10 Biblical Principles & Tips for Creationists Opposed to Science
    #10 All diseases are punishment for your sinful ways.
    #9 Self flagellation is a good way to ward off plagues.
    #8 Sending contributions to the Ark or Hambo personally is the BEST way to
    ward off plague
    #7 A pandemic is a terrific time to take the whole family on a road trip to
    nowhere Kentucky
    #6 Rubbing onions and chopped up snake on your skin fights plagues.
    #5 Sending your VISA # to your favorite fundamentalist minister has been known to prevent disease .
    #4 Drinking vinegar will cure you
    #3 Rubbing your body with a chicken also helps
    #2 Applying human excrement paste to your skin has been used to treat plagues by creationists for centuries
    #1 And the number 1 creationist proven pandemic fighting cure;
    Take a bath in urine
    There you go. Ten tried and true creationist coronavirus cures.
    After treating yourself , be sure to visit the nearest used camel emporium.

  3. And if you are a creationist and you work in an ICU, you can always tell people as you intubate them that the magical mystery thingy in the sky wants to meet YOU! I’m sure they’ll feel relieved.

  4. Dave Luckett

    I’m certainly not giving anything to Ken Ham, not even my data. Still, I admit of an itch to know what Ken thinks is a hook for evangelism in covid-19. The usual, I suppose.

    “Life is far too complex for human understanding, therefore God. But humans are responsible for the virus, because we sin, and God is just, not random, even though the deaths caused seem to have no relation to the sinfulness of those who die. And the virus didn’t evolve, because evolution doesn’t happen. I know this because the Bible says so, if you squint right and play it backwards, or something. So God created it. Why? See above, or more formally, you don’t get to ask. Be silent, and know that He is God.”

    Something like that, I’d guess.

    Monty Python expounded perfectly sound theology:
    “All things sick and cancerous,
    All evil great and small,
    All things foul and dangerous,
    The Lord God made them all”.

  5. @Dave Luckett
    One need not resort to Monty Python when the original poem has
    “The rich man in his castle,
    The poor man at his gate,
    He made them, high or lowly,
    And ordered their estate.”
    And the “Argument From Design”, as you suggest, seems to be:
    Life and the cosmos are far beyond the product of the cleverest of designs of which we have any experience or imagination, and therefore must be intelligently designed.

  6. Karl Goldsmith

    Need to sign up, I suppose I will have to use a junk email address.

  7. Karl Goldsmith

    I can’t get it to accept an email address. Even my Gmail one.

  8. It might help if you tell ’em the Curmudgeon sent ya.

  9. 🙂