Creationist Wisdom #1,045: A History Lesson

Today’s letter-to-the-editor appears in the Courier-Journal of Florence, Alabama. The letter is titled Blessed Above Most Nations, and the newspaper doesn’t have a comments feature.

Because the writer isn’t a politician, preacher, or other public figure, we won’t embarrass or promote him by using his full name. His first name is Jake. Excerpts from his letter will be enhanced with our Curmudgeonly commentary, some bold font for emphasis, and occasional Curmudgeonly interjections that look [like this]. Here we go!

How is it said? History repeats itself and those that ignore it cause it to repeat itself. What are some things in the history of the world we should remember, and what was the cause?

Jake is going to give you an amazing romp through history. He begins:

Only a few thousand years after creation [Hee hee!] “the wickedness of man was great in the earth and…the thoughts of people were evil continually”. The great flood occured [sic] saving only Noah and his family. Yes, this is history, not mythology. Check it out scientifically if you doubt it. [You heard the man; check it out!] Some years later, men decided to build a tower whose top is in the heavens and make a name for themselves to avoid the command of the Creator to inhabit the earth. They were scattered throughout the earth as a result.

Wowie — Jake really knows his history! Then he says:

Later in Egypt, the people assigned gods for themselves which represented every phase of life. The famous 10 plagues and the Passover (Still a day of rememberance [sic] of that historical time today) occurred as a judgment on the Egyptians.

Yes, we heard about it. Hey — Jake is just getting started. Here’s more:

On Israel because of idolatry, and complaining about eating qual [Eating what?], and refusing to enter the promised land, after murmuring again, and when King David sinned. It occured [sic] to others also as with the Philistines. These were denounces as These were denounced as judgments for rebellions against the creator God.

Strangely worded, but impressive nevertheless. After that, Jake moves forward to modern times and tells us:

Persecution and pestilence are history. The holocaust, the great depression from 1929-1939 followed by the roaring twenties.

The holocaust preceded the roaring twenties? And the great depression too? Okay, if Jake says so. He continues:

Amos the prophet told of the many ways God tried to get the people’s attention, giving them wars, loss of sons, droughts, famines, blight, and mildew [Mildew? Gasp!] and still the people would not return to God, who has promised to bless His people.

If mildew doesn’t get your attention, then there’s no hope for you. Let’s read on:

In the U.S.A. where they have been killing babies for over 50 years, teaching evolution in our schools, (even though we are not to establish a religion in government) and now promoting same-sex marriage.

Those hell-bound Darwinists are a bunch of baby-killing perverts! We’re getting near the end now. Here’s another excerpt:

Will we blame God for our refusal to acknowledge Him? [That would be crazy!] Our founding fathers in the forming of this nation wrote, “We are endowed by our Creator for life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.” A nation blessed above most nations and for many years was acknowledged as a “Christian nation.”

Yes, we were — but look at us now! Jake finishes his brilliant letter with a profound question:

How will history read fo [Huh?] this pandemic and will we return to our Creator as our God?

Can you answer Jake’s final questions, dear reader? Or are you too much lost in your sinful ways to give it any thought? The choice is yours.

Copyright © 2020. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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19 responses to “Creationist Wisdom #1,045: A History Lesson

  1. Did the editor leave all the errors in to embarrass Jake?

  2. Michael Fugate

    Why would anyone worship a god that was so inept? Why keep repeating something that fails every time? Wile E. Coyote has more success with Acme products.

  3. This dude is so st00pidly wrong about so much BS that we would need 3x as much room to correct him. Instead of listening to the hambone he should go to school and study elementary science.

  4. docbill1351

    This is what happens when you put your opioids in Diet Coke instead of Mentos.

  5. “A nation blessed above most nations”
    Still I wonder – which precious few nations are the ones that are even more blessed than the USA, according to Jake? Probably not The Netherlands.

  6. FWIW, “qual” is a typo for “quail”: see Exodus 16 and Numbers 11.

  7. Thanks, Glenn. Now the letter makes perfect sense.

  8. Jim Roberts

    Those … those were words. Mostly.

  9. Ken Phelps

    Wow, that right there is some Poe quality writing.

  10. As in the previous letter our dear Curmudgeon posted for our entertainment and study, it is my belief that Jake, the author, has been tangled up with a twelve pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon all day when he wrote this letter. In fits and starts he teetered between consciousness and blissful dreams of the rapture before shooting this puppy over to the Courier-Journal.. I bet they really enjoy ole Jake when he’s holding forth over at the Florence feed and hardware store.

  11. @FrankB Could be The Netherlands ..Could be….depends on whether Jake has ice skates and knows how to use them. Since he lives in Babalama, prob’ly not. As opposed to someone who grew up in the wilds of the North Shore of Long Island skating on Morgans Pond .(H.S. Morgans pond) when we stole onto the estate on Eatons Neck in the winter. Hockey skates. Always hockey skates. The cool kids had figure skates.

  12. Dave Luckett

    KiethB: I don’t think the editor left the errors in to embarrass Jake, precisely. I don’t think Jake can be embarrassed by his lack of education and wretched level of literacy. If he could be, he wouldn’t be so eager to parade it in public. More than likely he thinks of it as being a badge of honour – “just plain folks”, “common old horse sense”, “ain’t got time for that book learning”, that kind of thing.

    I think it more likely that the editor was advising the rest of the paper’s readers what kind of person holds these opinions.

  13. I was always wondering where the mildew in our bathroom was coming from. Thank you Jake!

  14. And not until the 19th century was it realized that various forms of fungi
    were forms of life related to musbhrooms. That fermentation was caused by living things. And only well into the 20th century was it realized that they were not plants. There is nothing in the Bible which could hint at this.

  15. formerlyholdingthelineinflorida

    I agree with Ken on this. Has a to be a POE. This is so stupid that even a die hard Trumpista isn’t that stupid. Then again …..

  16. Dave Luckett

    One of the many hilarious things about this letter is its apparently unconscious garbling of its initial quote: “Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it” (George Santayana) – which is simple enough, but Jake the Joke can’t leave well enough alone. If he must elaborate, why not with the more witty continuation, “the first as tragedy, the seconnd as farce”. After all, I very much doubt that Jake would be aware of the source for that addition.

  17. @Dave Luckett, correct on all counts. And remember that farce is not an extreme form of comedy, but an extreme form of tragedy, COVID-19 being a repetition, on a predictable and indeed predicted scale (see Carl Zimmer’s Planet of Viruses, 2014), of SARS and MERS, earlier zoonotic diseases caused by mutated coronavirus.

    And so, at one very important level, Jake is correct. There are precedents, and their lesson has not been learnt. Pity that people like Jake are so busy trying to stop us from learning what that lesson actually is

  18. I have memories of my first reading of “1984” – I appreciated the point, but I thought that Orwell’s description of how people would accept things was exaggerated. Alas.

  19. Jim Roberts

    On the subject of the letter’s many, many errors, one of our local papers has a strict policy of publishing your letter exactly as submitted – EXACTLY as submitted, and it’s almost phrased as a warning in their editorial note on the subject.