Ol’ Hambo Needs Your Help

A few days ago we thriled you all when we wrote Glorious News — Hambo Is Re-Opening! But now we learn that it won’t be easy to do. Today we’re given the rest of the story by Ken Ham (ol’ Hambo) — the ayatollah of Appalachia, the world’s holiest man who knows more about religion and science than everyone else.

The news is at the website of Answers in Genesis (AIG), his creationist ministry: Help Us Reopen the Ark Encounter and Creation Museum. Here are some excerpts, with bold font added by us for emphasis, and occasional Curmudgeonly interjections that look [like this]:

The June 8th re-opening date of the Ark Encounter and Creation Museum is fast approaching — only 17 days now! [Ooooooooooooh!] We greatly look forward to the impact that these attractions will have in the months and years ahead. So many of you have helped to preserve this ministry during these days of seeming uncertainty. (The days were never uncertain to God, though; in fact, he has shown his amazing goodness and blessing throughout these challenging days.)

What was the help Hambo received during the days of uncertainty? He explains:

In mid-March, when the revenue from the Ark and the Creation Museum stopped overnight, so many of you responded. [Responded how?] You’ve prayed without ceasing. You’ve sent us notes, letters, and emails encouraging us to keep going. You’ve given graciously and sacrificially ever since the shutdown began. Please know that these gifts have truly sustained this ministry in the most challenging of times. Thank you!

Ol’ Hambo appreciates all that you’ve done, dear reader. Then he says:

But re-opening has its own set of challenges. [What challenges?] Our preparedness plan is very extensive and spells out in detail the additional and enhanced processes and procedures necessary for the safety of our guests (and staff). These new protocols that allow our guests to visit with confidence come with significant start-up costs.

In the past, enraptured visitors were probably free to drool all over everything. We assume that has to be controlled now. Is that what he’s talking about? Hambo tells us:

More staff time than ever will need to be dedicated for enhanced sanitation [Yeah, probably drool control.], providing additional buses due to our lowering the capacity on each bus, monitoring guest capacity in various areas of the attractions, providing food service, and for a host of other tasks and needs. There will be additional costs for signage, food, and retail inventory to restart, and for providing the necessary PPE [Huh?] for our staff. And this is just the beginning.

What’s PPE? Oh, it’s probably a reference to personal protective equipment — like sanitary face masks. He continues:

Bottom line: we need your continued support to help us bridge the gap from complete shutdown to full re-opening. [He wants money!] We’ve put a thermometer on our donate page [link omitted] to reflect the goal of raising $1 million for our core ministry by our opening date of June 8.

A million bucks? BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Let’s read on:

We will soon be closing one unexpected (yet amazing) chapter in this ministry. Donations to our core ministry will help write the next chapter, where we are praying that God would empower and bless this ministry in ways beyond what we can even ask or think!

Verily, the future of Hambo’s ministry is beyond comprehension! And now we come to the end:

Thanks for continuing to stand with us. You are an amazing blessing to me.

Hambo is grateful for your support, dear reader. And so is your Curmudgeon. After all, without Hambo, what would we talk about most of the time? So send him all your money. He certainly deserves it.

Copyright © 2020. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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21 responses to “Ol’ Hambo Needs Your Help

  1. Hambo says “You’ve prayed without ceasing”,,,,,,,Well. Hambo’s readers will have to stop if they want to load the kiddies up in the minivan and drive to WackDoodle, Kentucky to see the fake ark and the used camel emporium.

  2. siluriantrilobite

    We laugh, but Hambo laughs all the way to the bank. Just looked at his meter and he has raised $378K plus in a couple of days.


  3. Gee, Hambone, I’ll offer a nice atheist thought and prayer for you and your fake ark. I’m sure that will help.

  4. Dax Williams

    We asked god. For some reason he never got back .I mean nada. But a brainstorm! Get the riff Raft to do it. I mean arc. I mean. Oh crap. Just comeon rubes ,Hammy needs some justification.

  5. Formerly Holding The Line In Florida

    Those of you old enough will remember when the great con man, uh Christian, Oral Roberts said he needed 8 million bucks or God would “call him home!” And verily it was so. The Sheeple responded to his urgent call for the cash and refilled his depleted coffers. We were rooting that he would indeed “Go Home”. Alas it wasn’t to be.

  6. What a shame that his ‘creation scientists’ have not been invited to develop a vaccine. Doesn’t that tell him something?

  7. @hans435
    Don’t you know that it will just go away?

  8. ” You’ve prayed without ceasing. You’ve sent us …..”
    We’ve gotta admire those pesky creacrappers. They excel at multitasking. They pray while writing notes, letters, and emails. Probably they also pray while cooking, driving their cars, doing business, sleeping and above all while being intimate with their loved ones just before sleeping.
    I cannot but be deeply impressed.

  9. @TomS
    I know, but having a vaccine would help him opening up his attractions anytime sooner.

  10. docbill1351

    High-Larry-Ous! Old Hambo sits upon a mountain of gold like Smaug. But, you can’t keep an old grifter down. He’s still out there begging pennies from children and he will Take Them All.

  11. @TomS I think I remember someone saying that it would go away like a miracle on national TV, but I can’t recall who.

  12. Hambo says:

    “All gifts to Answers in Genesis, a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization, are tax deductible to the fullest extent allowed by law”

    But isn’t the Ark Encounter a for profit business?

    The tax incentive it has is only for a for-profit.

  13. chris schilling

    Every time it rains, it rains
    Pennies from Heaven
    Don’t you know each cloud contains
    Pennies from Heaven

    You’ll find your donors reside
    All over fair Kentucky
    Just ask the Lord to provide,
    And maybe you’ll get lucky

    Just think what Ken can do
    With all your hard-earned money
    You can help turn grey skies blue
    So now it’s nice and sunny!

    Who doesn’t love the sound?
    Money makes — ka-ching, ka-ching!
    The yen, the buck, the pound
    F**k social distancing

    So when you hear Ken call
    Just open up your purse
    Oh — and all you atheists
    Remember that you’re cursed

    — apologies to Johnny Burke

  14. What a wonderful alert from the mystery entity bringing inspiration to the Curmudgeon as he posts a new Hammy man article. Gotta love it. Hambo says “additional and enhanced processes and procedures necessary for the safety of our guests (and staff)”. What ? The plastic dinosaurs and animals are going to come to life and attack visitors ? Is Hambo talking about camel stampede barricades to keep the parking lot safe? Or liability insurance protection against bolts of lightning zapping cars if they drive by the park ??? No seriously, this is anti plague stuff . Required by the Board of Health and for “appearances”. ” Appearances” that the ark park isn’t depicting a 3000 year old religious myth as logical or consistent with science or the scientific method. Which it isn’t.
    Well its good to know at least that they accept (arguably while denying its basis) modern medicine concepts.
    But seriously. Will Ham put self flagellating representatives in the parking lot to ward off the plague ? Free leeches for visitors so they’re protected from the virus ? Genuflecting road signs ?

  15. Dave Luckett

    I have to admit that I underestimated both Ham’s brass-bound nerve and the support he can whip up on-line. It seemed like such a clear slam-dunk to me – obviously, blatantly, what Ham is about has nothing to do with Christianity.

    Everywhere you look, there are causes desperate for the money he gouges out of the droolers – causes that really actually do feed the hungry, clothe the naked, shelter the homeless, nurse the sick, help the helpless. Over and over the man he calls God told Ham and the idiots sending him money, in the most specific terms possible, that it was this that they must use their money for. And what do they do? They give it to Ken Ham so he can run an expression of smug ignorance erected into a monument to nothing more wonderful than his own monstrous ego.

    It’s the ignorance that disgusts many, as it should. But it’s the riotous perversity of it that galls me the most. You can say what you like about theism, and Christianity. Both may be pure vapourware for all I know, and I, too, find the propositions at the heart of the latter to be unbelievable – a man who was also God, and the idea of a God who required a blood sacrifice of Himself before He could forgive. But I keep coming back to the recorded words of that man – or whoever it was – and I hear them ringing pure gold, far out of place for the time, and still echoing down the ages. And there’s Ken Ham grubbing for donations to what is essentially himself, and succeeding. Succeeding, yet! Words fail me.

    I’m sorry for the rant. But I suppose that you can say that nothing is completely without merit. The sight of that donations gauge – $379 thousand, yet, at time of writing! – outrages me enough to do something; to put my own money where my keyboard is. Fred Hollows Foundation is the very thing: an atheist organisation that brings sight to the blind. What I can send them is nothing compared with what Ham is screwing out of his marks, and I am gloomily certain that the only justice he will face for it won’t come in this world, which means, I suppose, that it will never come.

    Still, it amuses me, in a kind of way, to imagine Ham standing before the Throne, explaining why he has not fed the hungry, sheltered the homeless, nursed the sick, or helped the helpless, while Fred Hollows, atheist, stands bewildered but joyous among the Justified.

  16. Karl Goldsmith

    Never not bilk the gullible supporters.

  17. After reading DaveL’s comment I cannot help wonder how many IC-rooms can be set up with 1 million dollars. But of course spreading the Gospel of Ol’Hambo is first priority – it’s our afterlife that’s at stake!

  18. @FrankB
    I assume that you’re asking about the cost in the USA, where, because of the fear of socialized medicine, we are glad to pay a lot more.
    I tried searching for answers, and the only answer that I got was for a bed in ICU, about $25.000. I’m guessing that the cost varies widely, depending on the choice of equipment. And the real cost is ongoing – how much to operate an ICU per year. How many professionals, 24/7, including ongoing training, per bed? And how much keeping the equipment up to date? How long does the latest gear last before it must be replaced with the newer stuff?

  19. A minor understanding. If one scrupulously follows ALL of the dictates (and the more fundamentalist the interpretation the better) of the Old and New testaments, one is protected from perishing in the lake of fire. Therefore, the more superior and better guided you are than others who do not. And then an entire world of differing interpretations of those dictates which can be used to justify virtually any behavior, no matter how perverse.
    Its perfect for con men.

  20. @och will
    One of the fundamental beliefs is that no matter what you do, what you can do, it’s not good enough.

  21. Laurette McGovern

    Make no mistake, the Hamster is a grifter, a con artist, a cousin of TV preachers and those who hold sway over mega-churches. They want your money, and they know how to get it. The real mystery is why so many people buy into their con.