Three Options for Creationist Ecstasy

As you know, the Curmudgeon’s theme parks have been successfully competing with those of Ken Ham (ol’ Hambo) — the ayatollah of Appalachia, the world’s holiest man who knows more about religion and science than everyone else.

First there was Uranus Encounter, which we announced by posting Uranus Park Will Compete with Ark Encounter. It was so successful that less than a year later we followed it up with Delilah Encounter by posting Announcing The Curmudgeon’s Theme Park.

But we’ve never had a visitor as devoted as the one we learned about today at the website of Answers in Genesis (AIG), ol’ Hambo’s creationist ministry. He just posted “I’m [at the Ark Encounter] About Twice a Week”. Here are some excerpts, with bold font added by us for emphasis, and occasional Curmudgeonly interjections that look [like this]:

Between the world-class and fascinating exhibits, gorgeous gardens and grounds, playgrounds, zoo animals, daily presentations, Discover programs, and more, there’s always something to do at the Ark Encounter [link omitted] and Creation Museum [link omitted] in N. Kentucky — the two leading Christian themed attractions in the world.

We know all that. Then he says:

And that’s why some of our visitors are frequent guests — like one gentleman who left a comment on one of our Facebook pages. He writes:

[Hambo quotes his frequent visitor, with plain bracketed material supplied by Hambo:] I live about 8 miles away [from the Ark Encounter] and try to attend as many of the teachings that take place at the Answers Center as my schedule allows. I thoroughly love AiG as through those teachings have made me a much stronger Christian. I am there about twice a week. [Wow!] It has become my favorite place on earth.[Amazing!] I thank God for Ken Ham and the ministry of AiG. I also thank God that this Ark could have been built anywhere in the world but it was built by me! [Presumably he means “near me.”]

You gotta admit, dear reader, that was amazing! After that, Hambo tells us:

We love hearing stories about how God is using the ministry of AiG to strengthen believers. We’re so thrilled that individuals and families are able to visit these two attractions to be encouraged and equipped.

Hambo is thrilled. He continues:

If you would like to be able to take advantage of everything the Ark Encounter and Creation Museum have to offer by visiting often [Who wouldn’t?], there are three ways of doing that:

Three ways? Amazing! Hambo tells us all three:

• Locals can tour the grounds for free! If you live in one of seven local counties (Kentucky’s Grant, Boone, Kenton, Campbell, Pendleton, Gallatin, and Owen counties, and Indiana’s Dearborn county), for all of 2020 you can tour our beautiful grounds (including the gorgeous botanical gardens at the Creation Museum), bring your kids to the playgrounds, and meet the animals in Ararat Ridge Zoo at the Ark and Eden Animal Experience at the Creation Museum, all for free (with free parking too!). Admission is required to enter the Ark itself or tour the Creation Museum exhibits.

Unless you live near ol’ Hambo, option number one doesn’t apply to you — and it only lets you wander the grounds anyway. You’ll be more interested in number two and three: Here they are:

• Enjoy an annual pass [link omitted]. With an annual pass you and your family (with a family annual pass) can visit as many times as you would like for a year. Get to know the zoo animals, run around the playground, hear from one of our dynamic speakers, be among the first to see brand-new exhibits, relax in the planetarium, and more. An annual pass includes unlimited admission and free parking at both attractions.

Wowie — a whole year of creationist ecstasy! And you probably already guessed what option number three is:

• Create a lifetime of memories with a Lifetime Boarding Pass [link omitted]. Visit as many times as you want for the rest of your life — and throughout the lives of your children (with a family Boarding Pass) — with a Lifetime Boarding Pass. This pass gives you unlimited lifetime admission to the Ark Encounter and Creation Museum, free parking, eight free Ark Encounter tickets to give away each year, and more. These are only being made available for a limited time, so be sure you “don’t miss the boat” [Hee hee!] by purchasing yours today.

We looked at the prices for lifetime passes. For an individual it costs $2,000, and for a whole family it’s $3,000. Hard to resist, huh?

That’s it. Now you know how to satisfy your craving to be close to Hambo and his creationist attractions. So what are you waiting for? Click over there and pick out the option you like best. And don’t forget to tell ’em the Curmudgeon sent ya!

Copyright © 2020. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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13 responses to “Three Options for Creationist Ecstasy

  1. I’m on probation? LOL.

  2. Michael Fugate

    “ I thoroughly love AiG as through those teachings have made me a much stronger Christian.“

    I would take issue with the claim that what Ham peddles is Christianity, but even so, it has made for a much weaker understanding of the natural world.

  3. Dave Luckett

    Whether Ham is peddling Christianity depends on definition. No doubt he’d affirm the major doctrines: the resurrection, redemption by faith expressed in works, the trinity, the divinity of Jesus, his virgin birth, his messiahship and so on. But he has introduced a novel item into the creed: the literality of (selected) scripture and specifically, of the creation and flood stories in Genesis. This forms by far the major thrust of his doctrine and so-called ministry. It is the motivation for his creation museum and ark park, and his effort has gone entirely to that, rather than to other articles of the faith, such as charity.

    Now, before the advent of science, Christians accepted the scripture as a factual account, even though there is nothing in it that requires a literal interpretation. There is no reason, from any reading of the Bible, to think that these stories are anything other than what they seem to be – figurative narratives touching on deep issues, allegory. parable, metaphor. No creed ever required them to be taken literally, at least not until the advent of Ham and his like.

    Adding to the creed, and elevating that addition to the level of dogma, is by and of itself heresy. Ham, however, is his own church, one end-product of the Protestant schism, where everyone writes his own creed. (Another is something like the Quakers, where there is no creed at all.) His only response to Christians who don’t believe as he does is to declare them anathema. Duelling heresies, in fact. He denounced even the Assemblies of God ten years ago, and let’s face it, they’re pretty much out there. Whether or where he attends church himself I can’t find.

    So whether Ham’s a Christian or not is a moot point. A Christian is, in practice, anybody who says they’re a Christian, these days. The counter-reformationists of the sixteenth century would say that they told you this would happen. Well, they were right.

  4. Theodore J Lawry

    “A Lifetime Boarding Pass?” Does Ham think the Flood will return? Too bad his “Ark” doesn’t float!

  5. “Hard to resist, huh?”
    Not really. There is no way I can travel to the USA due to COVID-19.

  6. We looked at the prices for lifetime passes. For an individual it costs $2,000, and for a whole family it’s $3,000. Hard to resist, huh?

    With apologies to FrankB, this offer is impossible to resist!

    DisneyWorld in Florida charges $1,295 per head for an annual pass (discounted to $999 for Florida residents)! And that’s for significantly less brain-rotting than Hambo has on offer!

  7. Megalonyx says: “DisneyWorld in Florida charges $1,295 per head for an annual pass …”

    And they don’t even preach the reality of Donald Duck. What kind of theme park is that?

  8. Michael Fugate

    Not only that, my creationist contacts tell me God will reveal all in heaven – so save up all your questions that Ken can’t answer.

  9. Frankly, my dear Curmudgeon, I’m pretty sure Donald Duck is at least as real as Ken’s favorite god-like thing.

  10. Donald Duck is intelligently designed.

  11. Michael Fugate

    …Unlike the US’ pandemic response.

  12. I wonder why Ham doesn’t give freebie passes to residents of the Creation Museum’s closest outside county, Ohio’s Hamilton County. Probably because more people live in Hamilton County than in all the other listed counties combined – it’s Cincinnati and suburbs. Even though Hamilton County probably has a much lower proportion of creationists than those other counties, there are most likely enough to fill Ham’s parking lot with freeloaders every day.

    Besides, everyone knows Cincinnati is just chuck full of radical troublemakers. (Not!)

  13. @TomS: But Donald Ducklips is very unintelligently designed.