Creationist Wisdom #1,054: Hambo Devotee

Today’s letter-to-the-editor appears in The Pantagraph, which serves the Bloomington–Normal area in Central Illinois. The title is US has been a haven for true believers, and the newspaper has a comments feature.

Because the writer isn’t a politician, preacher, or other public figure, we won’t embarrass or promote him by using his full name. His first name is John. Excerpts from his letter will be enhanced with some bold font for emphasis and occasional Curmudgeonly interjections that look [like this]. Here we go!

We happened to be fortunate to see the Creation Museum after it was opened in 2014 near Cincinnati, Ohio, and Hebron, Kentucky.

Wowie — he visited the Creation Museum, built by Ken Ham (ol’ Hambo) — the ayatollah of Appalachia, the world’s holiest man who knows more about religion and science than everyone else. John was fortunate indeed! Then he says:

It was followed by the Ark Encounter, instigated by Ken Ham also, with a replica of Noah’s Ark, an articulate piece of workmanship [Articulate!] that really gives you an idea of how the original ark was built by Noah in the time that God sent the great flood that perished everything on earth except Noah and his family of eight, and of course, two of every kind of animal and bird, because of the sinfulness of all human inhabitants of the earth.

Incredible! John has not only been to Hambo’s, mind-boggling Creation Museum, but also to his exact replica of Noah’s Ark known as Ark Encounter. He tells us:

I purchased a book there called “Guide to Dinosaurs,” and it proves [Proves!] exactly how dinosaurs were created by God at the same time as mankind and all creatures before the flood, and became extinct because of their habitat, etc., after the flood.

John has learned The Truth. His letter continues:

The fossils of mankind and dinosaurs have been found together [Ooooooooooooh! Our professors lied to us!], so scientifically and technically their age is closer to 6,000 years ago, rather than the millions of years some scientists try to claim.

Amazing. Absolutely amazing. Let’s read on:

Now here we are as poor humans bickering and fighting blindly because it is getting very close to the prophecies in the Holy Bible that are coming to pass before our very eyes.

Ooooooooooooh! The end is nigh! John’s letter finishes with this:

The United States has been a haven for true believers to help bring the gospel of Jesus around the world. [So true!] The United States could not be strong without God’s help. It never was and never will be again without love, compassion and “love your neighbor as yourself.” Matthew 19:19

We don’t know what you thought of it, dear reader, but that was a great letter! If you don’t agree, you’re a hell-bound fool!

Copyright © 2020. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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11 responses to “Creationist Wisdom #1,054: Hambo Devotee

  1. “The United States has been a haven for true believers to help bring the gospel of Jesus around the world.” So he is saying that the US is full of nitwits!! Well they did get the trumpig elected so he may be right.

  2. two of every kind of animal and bird
    I am nit picking, but
    * Aquatic animals were not included
    * Birds are animals
    * One passage in the Bible says that birds were taken by sevens
    * Are were also the other clean animals

  3. “The United States has been a haven for true believers”
    I wouldn´t mind at all if all European true believers emigrated to the USA, to be replaced by mentally sane Americans.

  4. I wonder what Hambone’s ark, the one rooted in concrete and that wouldn’t survive a small flood, said (articulated).

  5. Michael Fugate

    The book he bought is ICR’s “Guide to Dinosaurs” by Clarey and Thomas. The Look Inside on Amazon Introduction tells all one need know. Like this hilarious claim – fruit bats have sharp teeth and they eat fruit, therefore sharp teeth mean animals eat meat. Obviously, they don’t know what a fruit bat is, don’t know what a fruit bat skull looks like, and certainly haven’t looked at the teeth of any bat. Creation Research is nothing like any other type of research.

  6. “The United States has been a haven for true believers to help bring the gospel of Jesus around the world.”
    The US managed to spread creationism to all corners of the world, like MacDonald’s.

  7. Michael Fugate

    Ham’s version of the Creed…
    We believe in one God, the Father Almighty, Maker of heaven and earth [6000 year ago], and of all things visible and invisible[, who flooded the entire earth, who restricted animal change to within kinds and directed hyper-evolution within them, who confused languages at Babel, and made me, Ken Ham, the Ayatollah of Appalachia, the world’s holiest man]… Amen.

  8. Michael Fugate

    I see I have bollocksed my sentence about fruit bats above.
    Clarey and Thomas claim fruit bats have sharp teeth, but eat fruit – therefore animals with sharp teeth could have eaten plants (which the Bible supposedly claims aren’t alive) before the Fall (i.e. sharp teeth are not a foolproof indicator of carnivory). Unfortunately for Clarey and Thomas, fruit bats don’t have sharp teeth, but have flattened molars – especially compared to bats which eat insects, fish, or tetrapods. This is easily seen from a cursory view of bat dentition and variation with diet. Mammal skulls are very plastic in response to changes in diet (see unrelated termite-eating species such as pangolin, aardvark, anteater, numbat).

  9. chris schilling

    “Love your neighbor as yourself.”

    Hear, hear. C’mon all those racists on the right, and you satanic pedophiles on the left — get it together and set a shining example for the rest of the world to follow.😇

  10. “Articulate” can mean “to speak clearly”, but can also mean “jointed for movement”, which the Ark most certainly is not. John appears to think the word can mean something like “cunningly constructed”, which is wrong, but he could be excused for his misapprehension, for he is perfectly right. It is cunningly constructed for the specific purpose of conning the rubes, and has succeeded in this aim perfectly, in his case.

  11. @Dave Luckett
    Designed. Artfully designed.