Creationist Wisdom #1,055: Evolution Is Useless

Today’s letter-to-the-editor appears in the Danville Register & Bee, of Danville, Virginia. The title is If evolution is a thing, why aren’t there extra arms for moms? The newspaper has a comments feature, but there aren’t any yet.

Because the writer isn’t a politician, preacher, or other public figure, we won’t embarrass or promote her by using her full name. She says she’s a free-lance writer, but that doesn’t qualify for full name treatment. Her first name is Susan. Excerpts from her letter will be enhanced with some bold font for emphasis and occasional Curmudgeonly interjections that look [like this]. Here we go!

I’m not a biologist or anthropologist, or any kind of “ist.” I’m just a mom and grandma who believes she has disproven evolution, although life would be easier if it were true.

Susan is no “ist,” but her opinion is as good as yours, dear reader. She explains evolution to us:

For example, when frogs needed to emerge from the slime pits eons ago, they developed the arms, legs and lungs needed to survive on land. [Great example!] Then there were people and wheels and atoms were split and we all had to wear masks and socially distance. This is the brief version of the history of mankind. [We like it!] Please, no emails from biologists. I admit I know very little about this, but come with me on this journey.

We’re with you, Susan. Tell us more! She does:

So the reason I don’t believe this evolutionary theory is because if it were true, mothers would have needed, then developed, at least one set of extra arms to help them accomplish everything they do in a day. They might have even split into two mothers.

A powerful argument indeed. Then she gives us several tales from her own busy days as a mother — which we’ll skip — after which she says:

At any point, an extra set of arms would have been useful. Perhaps even an extra brain that has evolved along with the oft-frustrating technology demands made on a senior citizen. But I got nothing. [Hee hee!] Therefore, evolution is wrong.

We can’t argue with that! Then Susan tells us:

You don’t grow what you need to take care of everyone. I got two arms coming into this world, and, hopefully, I’ll go out of this world with them.

We hope so too. She ends her letter in an odd way:

I heard recently from a leader in my church that a woman wears many hats, but she doesn’t need to wear all of them at once. But sometimes she does.

Who knows — maybe evolution will give Susan several heads to wear those hats. Anyway, she makes a good argument. Don’t you agree, dear reader?

Copyright © 2020. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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17 responses to “Creationist Wisdom #1,055: Evolution Is Useless

  1. Michael Fugate

    Isn’t this a better argument against God and intelligent design?

  2. au contraire Micahel, lack of concern for women is very biblical.

  3. It makes an argument for two moms in a marriage.

  4. Michael Fugate

    That is a different argument against God – there are quite a few out there.

  5. Michael Fugate

    Shouldn’t the sex ratio be 1:2 instead of 1:1? Did God really take out two ribs – which is why males still have an even number?

  6. “At any point, an extra set of arms would have been useful.”
    I’m trying to imagine how it works when four armed Susan has intercourse with her husband …..

  7. Christine Marie Janis

    @Frank B. She can do the ironing while caressing his nether regions

  8. Charley Horse X

    I like her and her mild dose of humor. She just needs to rethink what extra arms would mean…conservative wise. Clothing would be more complicated and costly. Taxpayers would be burdened with purchasing more handcuffs. I can think of more examples but will leave that for others to think about and possibly list.

  9. Michael Fugate

    Maybe she should have married someone who helped more around the house?

  10. Actually doesn’t the buyBull allow 1:many, yes the dude may have 1 wife and many sex slaves but they were there to help out!

  11. chris schilling

    “They might have even split into two mothers.”

    Rutherford proposed maternal fission, but it didn’t catch on.

    Strangely enough, it was feminists who were most opposed to the idea.

  12. As my Weslh grandmother used to remark, “Mae pawb yn rhoi eu bys lle mae’n brifo”, which means, roughly, “Everybody puts their finger where it hurts”, meaning we all relate problems to our own circumstances. Susan thinks mothers need another pair of arms, but anyone who has watched a bricklayer, or a carpenter, or a mechanic at work would know that they could use a couple spare hands as well. (Like Jerome K Jerome, I can watch work by the hour.) The same for a flint knapper, or anyone trying to affix a stone arrowpoint, or anyone picking fruit, not necessarily forbidden, from trees in Eden, or on the African plains, or wherever.

    So why don’t we all have four arms and four hands? It’d be useful, no? If God, who knows everything, made us out of clay, that’d be the sort of thing He’d think of, wouldn’t He? But He settled on two, and that’s the way it is. He’s God, isn’t He? He don’ need no steenking reason.

    Now, the damnable theory of evolution would say that we have two arms and two legs because all our ancestors had the same set, back to the first fish who developed them, because bilateral symmetry is the most efficient arrangement for that function, so that’s what we get. That’s what you call an explanation, which is what a scientific theory is for.

    If Susan is really dumb enough to believe her own letter, there’s no hope for her. But if she’s only acting the goat (a goat, as everyone knows, is one who baits a troll) the last thing she wants is for somebody to point out that evolution has an explanation, but fiat creation doesn’t. That would spoil the joke, and the joke is this: some fatuous moron will look up from his/her newspaper that morning and say, to someone who really could use another pair of hands, “Y’know, she could be on to something there”. And then will turn to the funny page, unaware that s/he qualifies to be on it.

    Susan might be aware, as all comedians are, that when we laugh, we’re only laughing at ourselves.

  13. Christine Marie Janis justly notes a sadly prevalent injustice: such wife would likely be expected

    do the ironing while caressing his nether regions

    Were I such a four-armed spouse of a chap who demanded of me such tasks, I would gladly undertake them, and with boundless zeal and enthusiastic alacrity–but the other way around.

    The golden rule of ironing: go for the wrinkles

  14. Ah, thanks, Mega, only now I fully understand why women want four arms.

  15. Perhaps creationists should evolve two colons, to accommodate the output of their brilliant scientists. But if such a beneficial feature were to evolve, then how could they continue to be creationists?

  16. Our Curmudgeon speculates:

    Perhaps creationists should evolve two colons

    They already have, which you can confirm by listening to a DI podcast: evolution has, in its time-honoured fashion, repurposed their vocal tracts to serve as a secondary colon, albeit for emptying toxic waste from their vestigal brains rather than from their intestines.

    And we may be obliged to further admit that, in line with Darwinian natural selection, Creationists are thus a transitional species–and, at the moment at least, look set to supplant Homo sapiens as the hominoids of the future, Homo pravus: just look at how many mendacious features of Creationists are in fact shared by an alarmingly high number of world leaders, not to mention Flat-Earthers, Climate-Change Deniers, White Supremecists, Brexiteers, Kardashians, &c &c

  17. If only some Hindu gods were responsible for intelligent design and creation, instead of the god I assume Susan prefers, maybe she’d be blessed to have four arms.