Discovery Institute Explains Tushie Evolution

In your Darwinist ignorance, you probably blunder through life thinking the Discovery Institute never produces anything of scientific value. Well, dear reader, prepare yourself for a shock. At their creationist blog, they just posted Doctor’s Diary: No “Butts” About It.

Their author is physician — Geoffrey Simmons. Wikipedia says: “Simmons has written nine books, four fiction, two medical spoofs, and two books about the creation-evolution controversy, published by a Christian publishing house and promotes intelligent design.” In addition to all that he’s a Discoveroid fellow. Here’s their bio page for him.

The last time Geoffrey was featured in our humble blog was The Heavenly Gift of Fear. Now you have the opportunity to learn from him again. Here are some excerpts from his new post, with bold font added by us for emphasis, and occasional Curmudgeonly interjections that look [like this]:

“How did human butts evolve to look that way?” [Link omitted.] So asks Darcy Shapiro, a PhD in evolutionary anthropology from Rutgers University, writing at the site Massive Science.

We must admit that we’re a bit — ah — behind in our reading on that subject. Geoffrey says:

Shapiro’s article is intriguing, entertaining, yet falls short. She writes that the evolution of bipedal-walking primates was primarily caused by the shifting of select bones and muscles in the pelvis. Why these bones shifted and changed shape is not clearly stated. But that is just the question. … Whatever the case, the process resulted in the larger, more desirable human buttocks (I mean, desirable in a strictly scientific sense, of course).

Geoffrey seems determined to get to the bottom [Ahem!] of this mystery. He tells us:

Consider the striking and symmetric increase in adipose tissue in each cheek, which is unique to us. [A splendid feature indeed!] Apes barely have this. Their butts are mostly flat. Other differences include the following: many primate butts (not ours) can change at mating time to a violet red color and swell to several times their normal size. [Yuk!] I’ve not seen this phenomenon in humans, not during my four years in medical school, my rotations during specialty training which included OB, nor during my more than 44 years of practice. Some primates can also get markedly enlarged perianal glands, bulging from the rectum and giving the buttocks, I’m sorry to say, a rather unappealing appearance. Fortunately, we didn’t inherit that trait, either.

Humans are so fortunate! Geoffrey continues:

Shapiro comments that our large brains and the use of language with symbols are distinguishing human features, but not nearly as distinguishing as our butt. Honestly? Seriously? Perhaps that is tongue in cheek [Hee hee!], but one can’t be sure. I agree all butts are important, and, as I age, maybe sitting down has become more important to me, but I’m inclined to think that our intelligence remains the most important quality.

Obviously, opinions vary. Now we’re skipping a few paragraphs, which is no loss to you because we know you’ll be clicking over to the Discoveroids to read the whole thing. Okay, we’ve skipped enough. Let’s read on:

In seriousness, Shapiro commits a classic error [Error?]: she identifies a set of features needed for some function, but conflates that with evidence for evolution, constructing a just-so story to account for its origin when that could be equally well explained by intelligent design.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Failing to consider intelligent design is a classic error! Another excerpt:

After all, designers use foresight and goal-oriented thinking to piece together multiple features and components that work in coordination to perform a function. As Shapiro explains, this coordination is exactly what we see in the carefully crafted shape of the bones, muscles, and fat tissue of our butts to allow us to efficiently walk upright, and also to do something that evolution could never have anticipated: sit for long periods of time and do intelligent work at our desks.

Ooooooooooooh! And now we come to the end (so to speak):

This coordination is not evidence of blind and unguided evolution but rather of purposeful action by an intelligent agent. Design is implied, no “butts” about it.

What do you think of all this, dear reader? And please, keep your remarks tasteful.

Copyright © 2020. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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16 responses to “Discovery Institute Explains Tushie Evolution

  1. she identifies a set of features needed for some function, but conflates that with evidence for evolution, constructing a just-so story to account for its origin when that could be equally well explained by intelligent design.
    On the other hand?
    We are told that it is possible that an omnipotent supernatural agentr could have done it. Because such an agent could have done anything. That does not even come up to the level of a “just-so story”.

  2. You failed to mention that, according to the Amazon entry for his book ” Are We Here to Re-Create Ourselves?” he is a Self-Published Genius.

  3. Michael Fugate

    So Simmons thinks his god sculpted the human butt so said god could spend time ogling them from afar…

    I do love this review of Simmons’ self-published book by someone who is too easily impressed…
    5.0 out of 5 stars An Intellectual Tour de Force
    Are We Here to Re-Create Ourselves? is an intellectual tour de force of knowledge and curiousity [sic]. It’s hard to imagine anyone knowing so much about so many things.
    Dr. Simmons has written 10 books so far – 6 fictional novels and 4 works of non-fiction. You might ask yourself – “How does a full time medical doctor have either the time or the wherewithal to write 10 books? I have no idea. What makes this book so engrossing is the range of knowledge it encompasses. I found myself continually shaking my head asking myself: “How is it possible to know this much?”
    Additionally, how does he make it so interesting? I do have one caveat however. Because this book is self published it does contain more than the usual number of typos. You’ll have to overlook this and not judge the content by these distractions. Apparently this is the cost of not having a professional editor. Fascinating book!

    Given what we have read from Simmons at the DI, it is hard to imagine anyone knowing so little about everything – especially someone with an MD.

  4. At the risk of getting a reputation as a one-joke commenter, I have to say the idea that the Grand Old Designer had this specific end in mind when drawing up the blueprint for human anatomy pretty much clinches the case for teleology.

  5. “Fortunately, we didn’t inherit that trait, either.”
    This is conclusive evidence for a Grand Old Designer (blessed be MOFO!). But I´ve some more.
    It´s very fortunate that I´m not born in Japan..
    See, I don´t speak Japanese.
    Evilution can´t explain.

  6. @FrankB
    That is a far better one than the puddle or legs just long enough to reach the ground. Chapeau!

  7. @FrankB says that he can’t speak Japanese.
    How does he know that? With God, all things are possible. If FrankB does not understand spoken Japanese, how can he be sure that what he is speaking is not Japanese. He thinks that he is speaking English, because he trusts people who tell him that.

  8. From all of read, the problem isn’t so much that we have no idea why our butts look like they do, but that there’s a number of plausible explanations. I mean, there are no long-distance endurance running primates left around, so it’s all speculation.

  9. I do believe the controversy was settled by Drs. Ben Dover and Seymour Butts, BUT I could be in error. In an article published in 1976 in the Journal of Irreproducible Results the scientists established a theory that homo sapiens butts developed well before vocal cords and enabled communication before speech was invented. Without butt cheeks passing gas makes a “pffff” noise, indistinguishable from any other “pfffff” noise made by a wooly rhinoceros or a cave bear.

    “Butt cheek flapping,” enabled early cave dwellers the ability to generate a number of distinct sounds equivalent to consonants and vowels. Thus, “Brap-brap-fbfbfbfbbbb-eep” might signal, “Thak hunt mammuth.” And, “Frip-BOOOooor” would signify, “Og get spear.”

    It would also explain why early people cultivated beans before wheat.

  10. In Texas, I met a student (male) who was powerfully offended by the suggestion that human female breasts developed an extra layer of adipose tissue as the result of sexual selection. He also bombarded me with objections to evolution, which quite impressed me as evidence that he had at least thought about the subject, until I discovered that he was getting them all from a friend who was getting them straight out of a book

  11. @PaulB: if there’s anything creacrappers are good at it’s parrotting creacrap books.

  12. Michael Fugate

    Here is a classic projection by Dembski in the forward to Simmons book “What Darwin Didn’t Know”.
    Darwinism is a magic trick performed far enough away from the audience to dazzle them…until someone starts handing out binoculars.

    Simmons even uses the standard creationist biography – evolution > atheism > marries Christian > creationist.

  13. chris schilling

    The Designer is the ultimate ASSMAN (he even has the vanity plates to prove it, too). He requires of all his servile subjects — like Geoff’s Free Sermons, and the Discoveroids — relentless ass-kissing.

    “But it’s all good, clean fun”, the Designer reassures them. “Just tongue in cheek.”

  14. So, the Designer (Blessed Be He!) crafted our bodies. Note that, Benson. Our bodies. Not just the bodies of other species. Not just the first cells. Not just the worms and bugs. No, no. Our bodies. Our selves. We ain’t kin to no monkey. We’re special!

    Uh… well, maybe not, on account of everything else got designed as well. The miracle of our buttocks is equalled by the awesomeness of an ass’s ass or the brilliance of a baboon’s behind. But you see where we’re going on this. None of it is to be explained by mere selection, oh dear me, no. It must have all been designed. All of it. Not just the flagellum on the paramecium. Not just the blood clotting sequence of a whatever. Not just the flight of the bumblebee, though Rimsky-Korsakov did a bang-up job on that. Everything!

    So now we have an answer to the question the DI carefully avoids: “Just where did the Designer (BBH!) intervene, and what did He/She/It/They do?” The other fellows at the DI can quit the coy fan dance. All is revealed! The Designer(s) intervened everywhere and did everything!

    I take it that an announcement and press release is being prepared even as we speak. No doubt the DI will lay out the data, obtained by patient research, that impel that conclusion. We will all move into the sunlit uplands, leaving the dark age of Darwinism behind us.

    Hark! I hear those harbingers of the southern spring, the flocks of feral pigs, flying overhead to their summer feeding grounds.

  15. @Dave Luckett
    God creates all things.
    Without instruction from the knowledgeable, we don’t know about the objects of supernatural, intelligent design. We are left to make guesses.
    Human concepts, like species or other taxa, imaginary things, factors in theories, products of art, etc. are designed by humans. Are they intelligently designed? How about parts, or combinations of parts, of a created thing? My hair style, hair clippings, toe nails, tattoos, etc.?

  16. @DaveL: “maybe not, on account of everything else got designed as well”
    Indeed I forgot for a moment that creacrappers also excel at failing on their own terms.