All of you know — and were thrilled by — the Seven C’s of History revealed on a huge wall poster sold by ol’ Hambo’s gift shop. We described it in Ten-Foot Wide Creationist Wall Chart. What? Someone is asking: What are the seven C’s? You ignorant fool! As revealed by Hambo, they provide “an overview of the history of the universe from about 4000 BC to the beginning of the church age in AD 33.”
Yes, you say, but what are they? Okay, for the lazy among you, Hambo’s Seven C’s are: Creation, Corruption, Catastrophe, Confusion, Christ, Cross and Consummation. We don’t understand half of them — maybe they’re explained on the actual chart.
We once attempted to compete with ol’ Hambo by presenting the Curmudgeon’s Five F’s, which also come from the bible, but only two of them are accepted by creationists: the Flat Earth, the Firmament, the Fixed location of the Earth in a geocentric universe, the Fall of Adam & Eve, and the Flood.
But we’re not happy. Hambo has Seven C’s, and we have only Five F’s. That’s not right! As anyone can clearly see, we need more. Also, we want all of the F’s to be in the bible and rejected Hambo and his followers. For example, consider The Scriptural Value Of Pi. We’ve tried, but we can’t express pi as an F. We wish we could, because that’s the kind of thing we’re looking for. All we’ve got is Flat Earth, the Firmament, and the Fixed location of the Earth.
And so, dear reader, the Curmudgeon is reaching out to you. Give us more F’s! We’ve only got three. Four more will make our list as long as Hambo’s. Then we’ll have seven biblical F’s that Hambo rejects. Hey — we could have our own wall chart!
The form of today’s challenge is that you must tell us, with reasonable brevity:
You know the rules: You may enter the contest as many times as you wish, but you must avoid profanity, vulgarity, childish anatomical analogies, etc. Also, avoid slanderous statements about individuals. Feel free to comment on the entries submitted by others — with praise, criticism, or whatever — but you must do so tastefully.
There may not be a winner of this contest, but if there is, your Curmudgeon will decide, and whenever we get around to it we’ll announce who the winner is. There is no tangible prize — as always in life’s great challenges, the accomplishment is its own reward. We now throw open the comments section, dear reader. Go for it!
Copyright © 2020. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.
The Sensuous Curmudgeon 
The subject of pi can surely be included by the word ‘fraction’? As you know, pi is an irrational number and so cannot be written as a fraction with finite numerator and denominator. (Creationsts will agree).However, the biblical value of 3 is a fraction. (It also happens to be an integer, but that’s irrelevant)
Fable, Fake News, Fiction, Fiddle fiddle, Fish, Flimflam, Fowl, etc
Creationism and Trump – a match made in … you decide.
https://sites.google.com/site/econagainsttrump/
But if you care about facts and science and your fellow citizens…
Another possibility is the speed of light, which needs to be nearly infinite for the stars to be seen during creation week. But how does one turn that into an “F”?
Tsk tsk. “nearly infinite” does not make sense. Even a google, or a googleplex, or a googlepex to the googleplex power …. they are all meeely finite and there are an infinity of larger numbers.
Fire that doesn’t burn — like the burning bush?
About the speed of light… hmm. I once encountered a creationist who claimed physics was simply wrong about the speed of light – it was much slower than c when going away from the observer, and infinite when traveling toward the observer. I don’t know how to make an “F” out of that, though.
What about fossils? That’s an ‘F’, and creationists are always claiming that fossils are recent, not prehistoric.
Well, the obvious answer is free-form fornication, which is certainly in the Bible. Judith gave Holofernes a really good time before, exhausted, he fell asleep and she despatched him, thus making a heroine of herself. Pharaoh had his way with Sarah, Abraham’s wife, which was certainly fornication and adultery, though Pharaoh didn’t know the latter. Rahab the Harlot (and her household) were alone spared from the population of Jericho, because her profession involved taking travellers in, not despite it. David and Solomon “scattered their Maker’s image throughout the land”, as Alexander Pope wrote of Charles II, and were glorified while doing it. It was even God’s commandment that you do the dirty deed with your brother’s widow, and if you’d rather not, too bad for you, as Onan found to his cost.
But acceptable as all this was in the sight of the Lord, a little extramarital hanky-panky is a terrible no-no, if you’re a creationist. Why, having multiple partners is one way to improve one’s chance of passing on one’s genes, and that’s evolutionism!
It is of course Fable, the only recourse of the Greeks to explain their fabulous occupation of being above all the swineherds, farmers, and slaves that made them so resourcefully beautiful to western civilization all these centuries later. So, in recompense and memory, I submit this:
They danced out a midnight of taverns lifting tables and chairs with their teeth and balanced an arm’s length of saucers on the lip of a diamond-shoed mare. They carried their sons on their shoulders and wrecked all the rooms with the turquoise and crimson of crystal and waltzed with the fisherman’s widow on the bones of a pigeon. It was yesterday’s hour before the widow perceived in the bleached flame of candles they would weep in their slumber on doorsteps for the crippled ascendance of swallows and the sweetness of apples turned silver. Yesterdays’ hour before their sons would awake to a critical Sunday of sorrows, before their sons had gone soldiers and gone soldiers went shadow on a spent summer’s landscape and the substance and language of shapes. The sun-torn silence of roses they seek with a regalia of ribbons loosed on a morning of mountains and a construction of stilling encounters with their women gone nude to the river.
Expanding on Dave Luckett’s post —
Fun Fornicating with several wives.
And about pi — Four minus three.
Um — I meant Four minus one. Duh.
Fictitous (Flawed, Fallacious) scripture
Four corners of the earth
F our winds of the earth
Flying animals are all birds (ref bats)
Freedom is not an inalienable right endowed to all people by their Creator (ie, Bible endorses slavery)
Foreskins must be sacrificed to God — foreskins come between man and God and his people
A completely irrelevant question for the mathematicians here. Pi is an irrational number. Does that mean that (any number plus or minus pi) is also an irrational number?
retiredsciguy says: “And about pi — Four minus three.” Or “Four minus one.”
A noble try, but you’ve earned an F.
Some of those are good, Random.
@Dave Luckett
Pi plus (or minus) any rational number is irrational.
Pi plus an irrational number can be either rational or irrational.
For example pi plus minus pi is zero, rational.
But pi plus minus half pi is half pi, irrational.
“F”ood for thought….website that gives a ton of “F” words found in the Bible: https://bible.knowing-jesus.com/words/search/F
JUST A FEW: Foresaw
Foresee
Foreseeing
Foreseen
Foresees
[Deletions by the Hand from above]
Futility
Future
Is that you Mr Young?
https://archive.org/details/analyticalconcor00younuoft/page/n867/mode/2up
That was a wee bit excessive, Charley Horse X.
Farm animals – if you read Genesis, God created domestic livestock, chicken, cattle, sheep, etc. – they weren’t domesticated by humans, but created in a tamed state.
I saw foreskin, that one is really hard to beat, you have to use that one. Also:
Finger writing: God wrote on the wall for all to see, that god used to be more than willing to reveal his existence in the OT and NT, but now is silent. Why no wring on the wall?
Fettered Will: God messes with personal will throughout the bible, then holds the victim accountable. Why?
False forgiveness: if you demand unquestioning obedience to be forgiven for something you haven’t done, that’s manipulation, not forgiveness.
@Dan —
Thanks. (To you as well, SC).
Good call on Free Will — plus, God was alla time “hardening hearts” right and left.
Btw, God says he won’t forgive anyone until after they have forgiven everybody else. Quite transactional.
Dang…you whacked the “foreskin”. 🙂
Biology is famously about the 4 F’s: Feeding, Fleeing, Fighting, and reproduction .
I like Fickle God, because He is always changing his mind, which is a little weird if he is omniscient.
I’m somewhat fond of Field research. Despite their apparent disdain for “observational science,” they do very, very little actual hands-in-dirt research.