Are you confused about next week’s election, dear reader? Many people are, but we have some good news for you — your confusion is over! The clear thinking you’ve been craving is in the newest post by Ken Ham (ol’ Hambo) — the ayatollah of Appalachia, the world’s holiest man who knows more about religion and science than everyone else.
It’s at the website of Answers in Genesis (AIG), his creationist ministry: Heading to the Polls? Here’s Who You Should Vote For. Here are some excerpts, with bold font added by us for emphasis, and occasional Curmudgeonly interjections that look [like this]:
We’re exactly one week from election day here in the United States. [Yeah, we heard about it!] Many people are saying this particular election is one of the most important in America’s history — so who to vote for? With only one ballot, how can a citizen use it to impact the future of America?
Then he quotes a bit from one of his earlier posts, after which he says:
For a Christian, the outside, such as the shade of someone’s skin, the shape of their eyes, how handsome or attractive they might be, is not important. [Don’t vote for the prettiest candidate!] It’s who they are as a person, what they believe, and how they act (in other words, their fruit) that’s important. [Very interesting!] We also need to understand the role of government.
Is Hambo going to give us a lesson in the U.S. Constitution? That should be interesting. But no — instead he tells us, with scripture quotes that we’re omitting:
First of all, it’s important to recognize that God has ordained government: [That doesn’t sound like the U.S. Constitution!] And the purpose of government is to maintain law and order: [And guarantee freedom!] So obviously, I want to vote for those who will want to maintain law and order. Of course, I also understand that if someone doesn’t believe in the Bible as the absolute authority, then right or wrong, or good or bad, becomes totally subjective. [Huh?]
The Constitution lesson continues:
Now we also need to look at the moral issues confronting us in the culture and judge what people are doing against the absolute authority of the Word of God: [Scripture quote omitted.] We see major issues prevalent in the culture today concerning marriage, abortion, and gender.
He informs us of what we already knew — that he’s against gay marriage, abortion, and any kind of gender variety. For Hambo, those are crucial issues in any election. In addition to that, he declares:
What about other issues, like climate change? Well, Noah’s flood caused dramatic climate change — and climates change ever since. If people don’t believe the history from the Bible concerning the flood and its consequences, they will make wrong decisions regarding climate change.
It seems that no one can think properly about climate change unless he believes in the Flood. Oh, here’s something else to think about:
Now, here comes a difficult part. We live in a fallen world. Most of those running for a political office are not born-again Christians who have a truly Christian worldview.
Wowie — it’s starting to look like we can’t vote for anyone — except ol’ Hambo himself. Let’s read on:
Next week in America, make sure you do your part (human responsibility) and vote. But, before you do, carefully consider the above principles and research all candidates and their party to see where they stand. Then pray, cast your ballot, and pray some more.
Good advice! And now we come to the end:
And remember, no matter who wins the White House, King Jesus is still on his throne. He is sovereignly reigning and accomplishing his plan throughout history, and we’ve been placed here for such a time as this. So no matter who wins, we will continue to share the gospel, contend for the faith, and do the King’s business until he returns.
That was truly inspirational! Okay, dear reader, now go forth and vote — but do it in a way that Hambo would approve. And be grateful for his brilliant advice!
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