Creationist Wisdom #1,060: We Are Totally Evil

Today’s letter-to-the-editor was found in the Mitchell Republic of Mitchell, South Dakota. Hey — it’s the sixth most populous city in South Dakota! The letter is titled A letter to God, and the newspaper doesn’t have a comments feature.

Because the writer isn’t a politician, preacher, or other public figure, we won’t embarrass or promote him by using his full name. His first name is Frank. Excerpts from his letter will be enhanced with our Curmudgeonly commentary, some bold font for emphasis, and occasional Curmudgeonly interjections that look [like this]. Here we go!

I am dedicating this letter to God and am excited about sharing it with you people! [We’re excited too!] God is really good and does everything He can [Everything!] to prove that His hand is stretched out still for mankind.

Behold the outstretched hand! Then Frankie says:

Mankind, though, has stretched the limits of God. I remember once, on Saturday Night Live, that they were using the word Satan to shock, astound and dismay their viewers. [That’s terrible!] I thought I would watch it for entertainment and I wished I hadn’t even seen the show. It seemed like they were worshiping Satan [Gasp!] and it made me feel terrible. [We understand!] I did turn it off. As a matter of fact I haven’t watched television for a couple of years.

That must have been a ghastly experience for Frankie. But it wasn’t the only one. He tells us:

Once I decided to watch a religious show on the TV and the very first part of the show there was a man having relations with a sheep! [Aaaargh!!] Is this what God wants from us? To shock and astonish people so much that they are numb from good feelings?

We didn’t see either of those shows. It’s amazing that Frankie was able to survive such horror. He continues:

We talk about how terrible the other countries are but the United States is the only country, so far, that has blown up men, women and children including babies in the horrific nuclear or atomic bombs that the U.S. dropped on Japan.

Frankie believes that the U.S. is pure evil. Let’s read on:

I don’t know what to say to Jesus, the judge, except that I hope He can forgive us for our sins!

Yeah, using the bomb to end the war was a huge sin! Another excerpt:

Please come quickly Lord Jesus. I am sure if people really knew that you were real they would be a lot different. People don’t read the Bible and are taught about evolution [Oh no, evolution!], which teaches everything is by chance and there really isn’t no God.

Your Curmudgeon is confused. What’s worse in Frank’s opinion — the Saturday Night Live TV show, bombing Japan to stop the war, teaching evolution in school — or maybe it was that sheep thing. It doesn’t matter — they’re all bad! And now we come to the end:

The only thing I can say is I know that you’re real Jesus, and there are a lot of people in the Bible belt that know you’re real and are seeking your face. Please come, Lord Jesus.

Now that was a great letter! Thanks, Frank.

Copyright © 2020. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

12 responses to “Creationist Wisdom #1,060: We Are Totally Evil

  1. “has stretched the limits of God”
    Huh? My namesake maintains that his god has limits?!

  2. The grave is Frank’s only hope to escape from this evil world.

  3. chris schilling

    “Once I decided to watch a religious show on the TV and the very first part of the show there was a man having relations with a sheep!”

    Yeah, some Christians take the whole Jesus, Lamb of God thing a bit too literally. Frank loves Jesus, too, but not in that way!

  4. Michael Fugate

    Doesn’t the double negative mean that evolution teaches there is a god…

  5. Retired Prof

    Frank has blessed us with a disquisition on the doctrine of total depravity. Back at the stave mill in the Ozarks where I worked one summer, there was a guy who went on like this at some length. Having just finished my sophomore year in college, I said something sophomoric. I asked, “Billy Ray, do you believe in the doctrine of total depravity?”
    He scuffed his toe in the sawdust, then stared off in the distance for a while, and finally said, “Yes, I do. As long as it’s lived up to.”

  6. It’s easy to dismiss the Frank that wrote this letter. He’s clearly a simpleton. It’s also clear that he should be dismissed, for he has nothing useful to say. What’s his recommended course of action? “Come quickly, Lord Jesus”.

    What can be said to something that pointless, that vacuous? Only that Frank might recite empty millenarian tropes, but public policy has to be made and enacted anyway. He has effectively excised himself from that process, and a good thing, too.

    So it’s a sort of back-handed comfort to read a letter as downright dumb, as perfectly futile, as this one. If Frank advocated some course of action other than waiting for Godot, he might be dangerous, or at least an obstacle. But as matters stand, he’s merely irrelevant.

    That could change. If Frank could be induced to believe that he needs to perform some action in order for Jesus to return, he’d do it. It’s a chilling thought that the only barrier is the ability of a cult leader to convince him, and the only limitation is the imagination of that cult leader.

    But that has always been the case, with those like Frank – this Frank, I mean.

  7. chris schilling

    “The only thing I can say is I know you’re real Jesus, and there are a lot of people in the Bible belt that know you’re real…”

    The official collective noun for this is known as “A s***load of Franks”, as in this well-known example from Flannery O’Connor’s great novel ‘Wise Blood’:

    “A swarming s***load of Franks, gesticulating wildly, Bibles held aloft, discharged noisily from the quaint, white clapboard church.”

  8. The only people who hate themselves & think they are evil are chrisANALs. And I have NEVER sinned!!! A sin is a violation of gawd’s Commands!! Gawd is a BS myth so I can’t sin as his commands are nothing!!! Thank gawd I have not yet been caught breaking any BS gov’mint laws, yet!!

  9. Michael Fugate

    A recent NOTW (not of this world) bumper sticker… “Life is short, Heaven is forever”. But so is Hell supposedly. Do these people really believe that if there is a heaven they will be invited in? My reading of the Bible wouldn’t make me very secure in that belief…

  10. Life is short but heaven is forever, but HELL is the never ending PARTY!!!!

  11. Now we have an idea of why Mitchell, South Dakota is the home of the Corn Palace.

    Not to be too political, but who do you suppose Frank supports in Tuesday’s election?

  12. retired science guy:
    I know what you are getting at but including the nuclear bombs on Japan kinda throws a spanner in the works.