Aliens Exist and Obama Admits It

It’s amazing what you can find in the Daily Express, a British tabloid. Their stunning headline is Alien discovery: Barack Obama hints at the existence of aliens. [Gasp!] Here are some excerpts, with bold font added by us for emphasis, and occasional Curmudgeonly interjections that look [like this]:

Whether aliens exist remains a mystery to humanity, but one person who would know would be former US President Barack Obama. In an interview with talk show host Stephen Colbert, Mr Obama revealed that he asked top-ranking officials about the existence of aliens.

He asked? So what? There’s gotta be more to the story than that. Yes, there is! The tabloid says:

Donald Trump’s predecessor did not give a direct answer during the chat but gave a hint he knew the Universe’s greatest secret.

Ooooooooooooh! What kind of hint? The tabloid tells us:

When asked if Mr Obama knew of the existent of aliens, he said: “Certainly asked about it.” To which Mr Colbert responded: “And?” Mr Obama then said: “Can’t tell you, sorry.”

What? There’s gotta be more to the story than that! The tabloid continues:

However, it was the non-answer which intrigued Mr Colbert. The talk show host said: “All right, I’ll take that as a ‘yes,’ because if there were none, you’d say there was none. You just played your hand. I thought you were a poker player. You just 100 percent showed your river card.”

We interrupt for the benefit of those who don’t know what a “river card” is. In the poker-like game of Texas hold ’em, it’s the last card dealt. We now return to the tabloid:

Mr Obama then said: “Feel free to think that.”

Wowie — that doesn’t sound like a denial to us! The tabloid then refers the matter to their favorite expert:

Prominent conspiracy theorist Scott C Waring said: “Had Obama heard UFOs were not real, he would have been able to freely say. However because they are real, and Obama found this out, and he cannot tell due to it being a Matter of National Security. So he stayed silent.”

The tabloid goes on for a bit, quoting “experts” who tell us that there aren’t any aliens, but after the Obama blunder, you’d have to be a fool to believe them. You don’t believe them, do you, dear reader?

Copyright © 2020. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

4 responses to “Aliens Exist and Obama Admits It

  1. Theodore J Lawry

    Oooh, I can smell a new “birther” argument coming up! Obama was born on another planet, not Nigeria, or wherever. It all fits!

    But then if I ever heard of a “human being” who fits the description of “being on another planet,” a different ex-President comes to mind!

  2. A classic beat-up in the old style! (Beat-up: a metaphor from whipping egg whites, which multiplies their volume many times over, but makes them insubstantial. Elegant, no?) Nice to see the classics still getting an airing.

  3. chris schilling

    “The Truth Is Out There.”

    Maybe they could remake The X-Files, with Obama as Fox Mulder. Michelle could play Scully the sceptic — “Mulder, that’s science fiction” — with Steve Bannon as Cigarette Smoking Man.👽

  4. This is much like the “No Comment” policy we have here at Sandia National Labs.