When all other sources fail us, we know we can turn to the Daily Express, a British tabloid. This item appeared three weeks ago, but we’ve been saving it for the right occasion — which is now. Their headline is: Man, 65, suffers horror toilet trip after 5ft python emerges to ‘pinch’ his genitals. They usually have an active comments feature, but we don’t see any comments. That’s okay, we don’t need ’em. Here are some excerpts from the news story, with bold font added by us for emphasis, and occasional Curmudgeonly interjections that look [like this]:
The 65-year-old Austrian shared how he bolted off of the seat after he felt a “pinch”. [Egad!] Turning around, he discovered the 5ft albino python in his toilet bowl. [A serpent!] He was taken to hospital for “minor injuries” and medics also checked for an infection.
A reasonable procedure. Then the tabloid says:
The man, from Graz, suffered the bite below the belt [Hee hee!] at 6am local time on Monday. After calling the emergency services, a local reptile expert arrived at his apartment and removed the snake.
After that the tabloid tells us:
Werner Stangl [the reptile expert, presumably] shared with local reporters the python had escaped from a neighbour’s home. Speaking to local newspaper Salzburger Nachrichten, Mr Stangl said he cleaned the unharmed python [It was unharmed!] and returned it to its 24-year-old owner next door.
The tabloid continues:
Officers said the snake owner had been referred to prosecutors for negligent bodily harm. It is unclear if he will be charged. Mr Stangl said he had never been called out to anything like this in 40 years of working with reptiles.
The story ends with this:
Albino reticulated pythons are the world’s largest snakes, but do not attack humans by nature. However, they will constrict or bite if they feel threatened or if they mistake something for food.
That was quite a tale! But you’re not done yet. Your challenge, dear reader, is to explain how this story relates to the conflict between creationism and evolution. Make no mistake — there is a connection!
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