The Serpent Strikes Again!

When all other sources fail us, we know we can turn to the Daily Express, a British tabloid. This item appeared three weeks ago, but we’ve been saving it for the right occasion — which is now. Their headline is: Man, 65, suffers horror toilet trip after 5ft python emerges to ‘pinch’ his genitals. They usually have an active comments feature, but we don’t see any comments. That’s okay, we don’t need ’em. Here are some excerpts from the news story, with bold font added by us for emphasis, and occasional Curmudgeonly interjections that look [like this]:

The 65-year-old Austrian shared how he bolted off of the seat after he felt a “pinch”. [Egad!] Turning around, he discovered the 5ft albino python in his toilet bowl. [A serpent!] He was taken to hospital for “minor injuries” and medics also checked for an infection.

A reasonable procedure. Then the tabloid says:

The man, from Graz, suffered the bite below the belt [Hee hee!] at 6am local time on Monday. After calling the emergency services, a local reptile expert arrived at his apartment and removed the snake.

After that the tabloid tells us:

Werner Stangl [the reptile expert, presumably] shared with local reporters the python had escaped from a neighbour’s home. Speaking to local newspaper Salzburger Nachrichten, Mr Stangl said he cleaned the unharmed python [It was unharmed!] and returned it to its 24-year-old owner next door.

The tabloid continues:

Officers said the snake owner had been referred to prosecutors for negligent bodily harm. It is unclear if he will be charged. Mr Stangl said he had never been called out to anything like this in 40 years of working with reptiles.

The story ends with this:

Albino reticulated pythons are the world’s largest snakes, but do not attack humans by nature. However, they will constrict or bite if they feel threatened or if they mistake something for food.

That was quite a tale! But you’re not done yet. Your challenge, dear reader, is to explain how this story relates to the conflict between creationism and evolution. Make no mistake — there is a connection!

Copyright © 2021. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

19 responses to “The Serpent Strikes Again!

  1. Jesus knew bad things like this would happen and people would ask theological questions, so therefore Jesus’s ghost, who was also his father, created Adam and Eve in order to have someone to blame, but mostly Eve though.

  2. No surprise that the devil took on the disguise of a snake.

  3. Is there any scriptural basis for the serpent being an evil spirit?

  4. chris schilling

    From Wikipedia: “In some Abrahamic traditions, the serpent represents sexual desire.”

    The snake owner should have kept it in his pants. He should be charged, not just for negligent bodily harm, but outright molestation.

  5. Michael Sternberg

    Always blame the snake

  6. Dave Luckett

    Biting somebody in the privates as they sit to take a dump does not strike me as very “subtil”.

  7. Yet again, the Devil takes the hindmost…

  8. There’s a direct link to Genesis: “You will strike his head and he will strike your ankle”, or something like that. “Ankle” is clearly a euphemism for genitals

  9. @ Paul Braterman: Genesis 3:15.

    KJV renders it as “And I will put enmity Between you and the woman, And between your seed and her Seed; He shall bruise your head, And you shall bruise his heel [עָקֵֽב׃ / ‘ā-qêḇ]” 😉

  10. @Megalonyx, that’s it. And notice the shift from enmity between the woman (female) and her seed (male), confirming my interpretation. If you think I’m far-fetched,try this: which says that this is a prophesy of the advent of Jesus (yes, really!)

  11. @ Paul Braterman: I’ve read the article at the link you provided:

    Even though Adam, Eve and Satan all chose to sin using their free will, God is in control. With His foreknowledge, God knew what they would do before He created the world. It was all predestined; part of God’s pre-determined plan.

    My brain hurts…

    …or maybe my ‘heel’?

  12. Good thing God speaks in obtuse riddles. It must be good because otherwise God wouldn’t. QED.

  13. @Megalonyx
    See the Wikipedia article which explains the difference between Superlapsarianism and Infralapsarianism:
    Logical order of God’s decrees

  14. In my “Medicine for Mountaineers” book, it mentions that back when outhouses were common, most spider bites were to male genitalia.

  15. @ TomS: My brain was already hurting from trying to understand how Adam’s choice, made entirely by his free will, was nonetheless foreknown by God and in strict accordance with His pre-determined plan, and you think I’m in a fit state to untangle Superlapsarianism and Infralapsarianism?

    I’m now suffering from a novel medical condition: a prolapsed cerebrum…

  16. @Megalonyx, it’s quite simple, as Chaucer explains; it’s just a matter of simple vs conditional necessity:

    Wheither that Goddes worthy forwityng
    Streyneth me nedefully to doon a thyng,
    (Nedely clepe I symple necessitee)

    Or elles, if free choys be graunted me
    To do that same thyng, or do it noght,
    Though God forwoot it, er that it was wroght;
    Or if his wityng streyneth never a deel
    But by necessitee condicioneel,-

  17. @ Megalonyx
    @ Paul Braterman

    Even though Adam, Eve and Satan all chose to sin using their free will, God is in control. With His foreknowledge, God knew what they would do before He created the world. It was all predestined; part of God’s pre-determined plan.

    Intelligent Design! Where’s Casey?

  18. I wouldn’t necessarily leap to the conclusion that the serpent was Satan. Remember, these are the same nutters (Christianity) that think a bruised heel is the crucifixion.

  19. Robert van Bakel

    “I am that I am”.
    Apparently that’s deep, as opposed to nonsensical!