You will never forget this moment, dear reader. We are revealing astounding news to the world for the first time today, 01 April, here on our humble blog. On a day like this — [*cough, cough*] — we wouldn’t try to fool you.
For centuries, people have tried to make sense out of creationism, but none have succeeded — until now. Yes, dear reader, your Curmudgeon has done it! After years of solitary research, the Curmudgeon announces his ultimate discovery — the Grand Unified Theory of Creationism (GUTOC).
As you all know, after the miraculous six days of creation — a mere 6,000 years ago — the designer rested. That was on the seventh day, which means that the number seven has supremely powerful significance. With that in mind, when we look up to the heavens, one question surpasses all others in importance: What is the seventh planet?
You know the answer, don’t you? Yes, it’s Uranus (also known as the world that dare not speak its name). Being the seventh planet is no mere coincidence. In a designed universe, nothing is a coincidence. Nothing evolves because of random chance. Uranus occupies its unique astronomical position by design! That is the Ultimate Secret which has been revealed your Curmudgeon. Verily, we say unto you: Uranus is the pathway to creationism! There is nothing more you need to know.
Credit for discovery of Uranus goes to William Herschel, who carefully observed it in the 1780s. Everyone was a creationist in those days, and therefore everything was wonderful. Society had none of the problems we have today. It was inevitable that the whole world was excited by Uranus.
Well, not everyone. Because he hated everything that was good and holy, Charles Darwin dreamed up his diabolical theory of evolution and published it in 1859. But his scandalous scheme was doomed to failure. The influence of Uranus was too strong!
What does our discovery mean to you? If you keep Uranus foremost in your thoughts, you can use it every day. The next time an evil Darwinist tries to belittle your faith in creationism, you will have a one-word response which is guaranteed to stun him into silence. Just say Uranus! If he protests, repeat it — Uranus! Keep repeating it until he finally gives up. It works every time, because the GUTOC is great science!
We conclude this post with our traditional guarantee of quality:
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