This one is a familiar theme at the website of Answers in Genesis (AIG), the creationist ministry of Ken Ham (ol’ Hambo) — the ayatollah of Appalachia, the world’s holiest man who knows more about religion and science than everyone else. It’s titled Neanderthals — Where Do They Fit in the Bible’s History?, and it was written by ol’ Hambo himself. Here are some excerpts, with bold font added by us for emphasis, and occasional Curmudgeonly interjections that look [like this]:
“Oh, he’s such a Neanderthal!” Have you ever heard someone use such a phrase to insult a person with “backward” views or coarse manners? (A couple of our political leaders used that term recently in referring to the abortion issue.) While the man in question might be insulted to be called a Neanderthal, the poor historical Neanderthal behind the slight might take more offense! You see, Neanderthals weren’t backwards, coarse brutes — they were humans, just like us.
Got that? Hambo says Neanderthals were humans — just like him. He’s written about his cousins before — see, e.g.: Hambo and the Neanderthals. Let’s see what he has for us today. He says:
Based on the archaeological record, scientists now believe that Neanderthals:
* Made and used tools.
* Made musical instruments, jewelry, and even make-up.
* Dove for fresh shellfish.
* Organized their cave homes and had hot water.
* Used toothpicks and practiced oral hygiene.
* Cooked vegetables.
* Painted on cave walls.
* Fed and weaned their children like we do.
* Had children with “modern” man.
Very impressive! After that he tells us:
In other words, they behaved like humans! [Gasp!] How do we understand this within the Bible’s account of creation and early history?
Good question! What does the bible say about Neanderthals? He explains:
Well, the Bible teaches that God created two people, Adam and Eve, in the beginning (Genesis 1:27). These two people were made in God’s image and from them, every person has descended (Genesis 3:20). Since Neanderthals give overwhelming evidence to their humanity, we know they must have descended from Adam and Eve as well.
Wowie! It makes perfect sense! Let’s read on:
Neanderthals aren’t some sort of human cousin that died out. [Huh?] They are humans with slight morphological and genetic differences from us, reflecting the genetic variation within the human “kind”. They must have lived after Noah’s flood (otherwise their habitations would’ve been washed away during this global catastrophe), in a harsh world settling down from the devastating effects of a global event. This means one, or more, of the eight people who survived the flood aboard the ark must have carried the unique genetic variations that Neanderthals possessed, allowing those genes to survive and be passed on for a time, before they eventually died out.
Amazing! Maybe Noah himself was a Neanderthal. Here’s another excerpt:
We can only properly understand human history and anthropology (and the history of the rest of life and the universe!) if we start with God’s Word. [Right!] And you can discover the history in God’s Word, and how it applies to science, at the Creation Museum here in Northern Kentucky.
The rest of Hambo’s post is a few paragraphs of promotional material, so we’ll leave him here. But don’t forget, dear reader — the bible is all about Neanderthals. That’s what Hambo says — and he’s never wrong.
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