My Bare Spacey, by Dr. Swinefat Pink

After patiently waiting for more than four years, you’re in for a rare treat, dear reader. We herewith bring you a new work by our most popular (and only) guest author — the esteemed “Dr. Swinefat Pink,” whose previous work was announced here: Coming Soon — Ben Stein as Indenial Jones (Sequel to Expelled), and which then appeared here: Deluders of the Noachic Ark: Part the First, and lastly here: Deluders of the Noachic Ark: Part the Second.

Now your long wait is over. This time it’s not an adventure tale, it’s a musical! We proudly present Dr. Pink’s latest:

My Bare Spacey

Our musical story opens in London in late November 2005, where coverage of the Kitzmiller-Dover Trial in the USA is prominent even in the British press.

In a celebrated Pall Mall club, an amicable but lively argument is in full swing between Professor Henry Higgsboson and his old friend, Colonel Snickering. Higgsboson holds that, by means of patient elucidation of the compelling empirical data, even an imbecilic religious zealot can appreciate the profound and majestic insights of the Darwinian Theory of Evolution. Col. Snickering, a battle-hardened veteran of the Crevo Wars, holds that maniacal cdesign proponentsists are beyond all hope or reason.

With neither able to persuade the other, the pair determine to put the matter to a scientific test. Higgsboson wagers 10 guineas that, given 6 days for patient explanation, he can convince even the most hardened Creationist that the evidence for the theory of Evolution is both sound and irrefutable. Accepting the bet, Snickering insists that he select the guinea pig for the test.

Higgsboson and Snickering fly to Seattle, home of the neo-Luddite Dysovary Institute, in search of the most benighted Creationist they can find. And they soon come across waif-like lapsed-geologist and sometime-lawyer Spacey Knowlittle, who is distributing Jack Chick tracts in Pike Street Market and singing a theme song outlining his theocratic vision, Wouldn’t it be Heavenly?

All I need’s a strategic Wedge,
Far, far beyond even reason’s edge,
Full of bull that we allege;
Aow, wouldn’t it be Heavenly?

Lots of money for me to earn,
Lots of heathens for me to burn!
Storm schools, storm courts, storm troops!
Aow, wouldn’t it be Heavenly?

Snickering rushes forward to make an offer to young Spacey: 6 days of an all-expenses paid private tutorial with the celebrated Professor Higgsboson. And Spacey, whom Faith makes fearless, accepts the deal.

But before they leave Pike Street Market, Spacey’s spiritual father, Jonathan Spells, arrives at the head of a large chorus of dancing Moonies, who perform an uplifting paean to the Intelligent Designer, With a Little Bit of Woo:

[Spells sings:] The Lord above gave germs whip-like flagella,
So they could swim and frolic as they please;
The Lord made germs, including salmonella
But!
With a little bit of Woo,
With a little bit of Woo,
Only sinners ever catch disease!

[CHORUS OF MOONIES:] Oogity-boogity!
Oogity-boogity!
Oogity-boogity, that’s how God did it all!

Oogity-boogity!
Oogity-boogity!
Oogity-boogity explains it all!

Back at Higgsboson’s London classroom, the Professor begins Spacey’s lessons with a simple hominid cladogram and a musical account of common descent (song: Why the Bonobo is So Like a Man) and an introduction to Origin of Species:

HIGGSBOSON: Now Spacey, let me illustrate with a quote from Darwin: “I have called this principle, by which each slight variation, if useful, is preserved, by the term Natural Selection.” Do you understand this point?

SPACEY: (examining cladogram) In ‘ylobatidae, ‘ominidae, and ‘omo sapiens, haccidents ‘ardly hever ‘appen.

HIGGSBOSON: …Er, not quite. In fact, accidental copying errors in DNA are commonplace, and are one of the inputs for the workings of natural selection. And they help us trace the descent of ranges of organisms from a common ancestor, including ourselves. The span of man’s not hard to understand.

But unable to comprehend even the most basic principles, Spacey simply reiterates his mindless adherence to religious dogma in a song, The Plan of Man’s the Same Since Time Began, to the great amusement of the on-looking Colonel Snickering:

SNICKERING: By Jove, I think his brain has rotted! ‘Tis naught but bare space, his skull!

In total rejection of science, Spacey flees back to the Dysovary Institute and celebrates his return to their webpages in song:

I could have blogged all night!
I could have blogged all night!
And still have lied some more.
I could have spread my swill
And been a willing shill
For crap ne’er claimed before!
I’ll never know
What makes me so
Conniving;
Why all at once
My brain’s so slight.
I only know when I
Began to tell my lies
I could have blogged,
blogged,
blogged all night!

He is joined by Jonathan Spells and the chorus of Moonies, who are also eagerly awaiting the Dover verdict, which they are convinced will put an end to ‘Darwinism’. They burst into a rousing song:

Chuck’s getting buried in the morning!
King Kong is sure no kin o’ mine!
Mentally we’re paupers,
But we can still tell whoppers!
So get me to the Court on time!

Spacey, Spells, and the Moonie chorus, however, are roundly disappointed when the Dover verdict goes against them, and they slither back to Seattle to regroup and continue their war on Reason.

Colonel Snickering insists he has thereby won the wager and demands his 10 guineas, but Professor Higgsboson insists he is not yet defeated. He is determined to try again, this time with a different Dysovary Institute luminary. He has answered an advertisement for a tutor for the many children of the despotic ruler of IamthatIam, and will endeavour to try again to inculcate the scientific education that was beyond the reach of Spacey Knowlittle.

But that story is a whole different musical: The Kling And I…

Copyright © 2012. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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