Barringer Crater, Arizona
We beg you, dear reader, to indulge your Curmudgeon as we engage in a bit of weekend parody. Having observed the chicanery of creationists, we feel that their style of argument can be applied to virtually anything. Behold, our refutation of the theory of meteor craters — Craterism:
1. Craterism is only a theory. It has never been proved.
2. Meteor craters have not been observed to happen, now or in the past.
3. Meteor craters have never been reproduced in the lab. Craterists can produce micro-craters, but have no laboratory evidence of macro-cratering.
4. Craterism is not scientific. It makes no predictions and is untestable.
5. The second law of thermodynamics prohibits meteor craters.
6. The odds against a random rock falling from the sky, striking the earth, and making a crater are astronomical.
7. Hitler’s military tactics were based on craterism. No craterism, no Hitler.
8. Meteor craters are not mentioned in the Bible, nor are “rocks from the sky.”
9. Craterism is a product of materialism and a Godless, naturalistic worldview.
10. Belief that rocks can fall from the sky promotes hedonism and amoral, animalistic behavior.
11. Thomas Jefferson said: “Gentlemen, I would rather believe that two Yankee professors would lie than believe that stones fall from heaven.”
12. Aristotle didn’t believe in Craterism. Nor did Galileo, Newton, or Einstein. Einstein said: “God does not play dice!” Are you smarter than Einstein?
13. Anyone who thinks there are rocks in the sky has rocks in his head. It takes more faith to believe in Craterism than it does to believe in the Tooth Fairy.
14. A so-called “meteor crater” could be the result of a volcano, or a sinkhole, or just a subterranean depression. Or — although the Craterist mind can’t grasp such a concept — it could have been designed to look like that. Craterists can’t prove otherwise! All they have is a “just so” story that one day, millions of years ago, a rock fell from the sky. What kind of a theory is that?
15. Craterism is a theory in crisis! Scientists are abandoning craterism because they know it is not supported by evidence. In ever-increasing numbers they are turning to IC — Intelligent Crater Theory.
Craterism is a “theory” that claims large rocks can fall from the sky . What damage can it do to young minds when they are indoctrinated with this “theory” promoted by so-called crater-scientists about a purposeless, chaotic, random world? How many lives have been destroyed by contemplating the meaningless absurdity of life when there is the constant fear of rocks falling from the sky? Clearly, such a precarious existence is too horrible to contemplate. How many suicides have been caused by the Craterist view of life?
What you rocks-from-the-sky cultists refuse to admit is that your “theory” was proposed and refined just before the 20th century, the most bloody century in mankind’s history. Hitler, Stalin and Pol Pot were all Craterists. Marx could have never have written Das Kapital if he didn’t believe that large rocks fell from the sky. Why do you fear the truth? Are you afraid they’ll cut off your government grants?
Do you think your schemes are unknown to us? Do you imagine we are unaware of how you whisper to our daughters: “Why preserve your chastity, young maiden, when at any moment a rock may fall upon us from the sky?”
Your materialistic Craterism is leading our women astray by robbing them of all hope of the future, of any reason to plan for the next generation. You are destroying the most basic foundation of our society — the family! — with your rocks-from-the-sky blasphemy! All of these lies are merely to satisfy your animalistic lust. Have you no shame?
Have you ever considered the tragic implications of your materialistic Meteor Crater Theory? Face the truth, for once in your wretched life! If everyone believes that random rocks can fall from the sky at any moment and kill us, then life has no meaning. Why shouldn’t we all run around raping and killing each other? Why study, why work, why save, why worry about morality, why care about the future? Everyone should just let the government handle things, while we lie back in a drug-induced stupor, engaged in animalistic fornication. Is that the kind of world you want?
Anyone who has daughters should homeschool them, to protect them from the Craterist propaganda that you and your ilk spread through the monopoly that Craterism enjoys in the government school system. We shall not rest until the evil of Craterism is expunged from our schools!
How do you know that a crater was caused by a falling rock? Can you prove it? Were you there? Gravity may have been different in the past. No one knows what the atmosphere was like, or what conditions on the ground were like. You have no idea what you’re talking about. Your whole Craterist “theory” is nothing but guesswork.
Face the facts! A so-called meteor crater is irreducibly complex. You have the central depression, the outer ridges, the rim, the debris field, the erosion — how could all of these features have flown together by purely random events? The odds against that are at least 1720 to one. If ever there was an undeniable example of Design, it’s the so-called “meteor” crater.
What we have in Arizona is an unwitnessed event, one which can’t be reproduced in the lab (except as absurdly unpersuasive micro-impacts), an event comprised of numerous features which can’t be explained by themselves, but only as part of an integrated whole, an event which can’t be dated due to the unreliability of radiometric dating techniques, an event which thus far has received only Godless, naturalistic “explanations” in the form of rocks randomly falling from the sky, an event which — even if it happened as long ago as the naturalist Craterist scientists claim — can’t be verified due to their ignorance of conditions so long ago, an event which seems to defy the odds by its very uniqueness, an event which miraculously mimics the shape of recently-observed crop circles — and this is the event which Godless naturalistic scientists want to teach to our children as a purely natural event.
So that you will know how your foolish Craterism fraud is coming unraveled, here we expose your cult’s website for all to see: Barringer Meteor Crater, which discloses the identity of your cult leader, Daniel Barringer, whom you no doubt worship in the dark of night as you dance around your crop circles, which symbolize your satanic craters.
The Founders of this great country did not believe in the blasphemy of Craterism. They had hope for the future. They built this nation as a Shining City on a Hill, as an example to all mankind. And now the Craterists claim that some random rock will come crashing down from the heavens to flatten the glorious work of the Founders. What un-American nonsense these deceivers preach!
Wake up!! The fraud of Craterism serves those who would be our masters. The fruit of their materialistic theory can only be despair and death!
[See also: The Scientific Case Against Powered Flight.]
Copyright © 2009. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.
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The Sensuous Curmudgeon 
Great Fun!!! The only problem is that the average creationist doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground. So I don’t think they will get it.
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16. If craters come from meteors, why are there still meteors?
😉
slow day?
Longie, that’s good! Wish I had thought of it.
Feel free to include it in all future versions of your “Refutation of Craterism” argument.
MF says: “slow day?”
Scoff, craterist dupe. It won’t save you.
Longie says: “Feel free to include it in all future versions …”
I doubt that there will be a chapter two. But you know, that kind of thinking has potential for refuting evolution. I need to ponder this.
No, no, no! I used to be a skeptic until I found out about the theory of craterism.
Teach the controversy, I say.
Surely your profound refutation of Craterism will find its way into the same academic literature as is used by Creationsists, e.g., Jack Chick-style Comix, crank academic texts that are smuggled into the back door of public schools in the middle of the night by drug-addled school board memebers, and the usual assortment of DVD’s hustled by tele-evangelists on obscure late-night cable channels, scheduled in between re-runs of the Pat Boone Show and paid advertising for hemorrhoid remedies and aroma therapy.
At some point, your anti-Craterism tracts will be tossed out of public school, where upon Ben Stein will surely offer to appear in a documentary about the wanton suppression of anti-Createrism, and one can only imagine the powerful impact of seeing Stein on the Big Screen, uttering the devastating interrogative:
Longie says: “… whereupon Ben Stein will surely offer to appear in a documentary …”
If only I could recruit such a mighty champion for the cause!
Missed this the first time I read it. The only thing missing was the blue font.
LMAO!
er: I meant 1^720.
Bloody html tags for superscripting didn’t work…..
6. The odds against a random rock falling from the sky, striking the earth, and making a crater are astronomical.
ROFL Well played, Sir.
“Why preserve your chastity, young maiden, when at any moment a rock may fall upon us from the sky?”
I’m totally using that line on my next date.
Rooker says: “I’m totally using that line on my next date.”
It’s never failed me.
You mean every date who has refused to yield to the Curmudgeon’s amorous advances has been struck by a meteor?????
WTF?
😉
Longie, as a world-famous blogger, refusal is something I never encounter.
The AntiCraterist writes:
“…while we lie back …, engaged in animalistic fornication. Is that the kind of world you want?”
Works for me. Raises the question, though. Isn’t all fornication animalistic? Is there such a thing as plant-like fornication? I mean, relying on bees or the wind just isn’t fornication, is it? So, I move that the phrase “animalistic fornication” be struck from the English language as redundant.
On a more dour note, though, we should all take craterism seriously. Otherwise, we’ll all be sitting duckbills for the next Big One, like Chixalub.
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17. Lady Hope’s unimpeachable memoirs assure us that Daniel M. Barringer himself, while in the final agonies of his deathbed in 1929, renounced his pernicious theory of Craterism and embraced the One True Intelligent Terrestrial Pock-Marker as his Lord and Redeemer.
Good work, Great Claw! How could I have left out the deathbed recantation?
If you doubt this is possible, how is it there are POTHOLES + RUTS??
This is just getting worse and worse – I’m outta here! 😉
Colloquy says: “This is just getting worse and worse – I’m outta here!”
Don’t go! I’ve got more of those.
As a dedicated seeker after TRVTH, I have taken the obvious step of consulting Scripture, which is of course infallible. And lo! — there are absolutely no craters mentioned in the whole of the Book of Genesis.
This categorically proves that craters do not exist ab ovum as it were, but can only be by-products of the Noachic Flood. These so-called ‘craters’ are in fact the drains (now mercifully stoppered by All-Merciful Providence) by which the flood waters were conducted away to leave the Ark high and dry atop Mt. Arafat.
And one can little doubt that, when the Intelligent Craterer deems the time is meet and right so to do, He shall pull out the plugs on these craters in order to cast into the depths therein all ye Unbelievers while sparing the Devout. This glorious event — the “Rupture” — is nigh! REPENT YE!
Wrong, Great Claw! Craters are obviously a product of The Fall, before which such disfigurements didn’t exist. And let me warn you, if you continue in the way you’re going, one day a crater will appear beneath you, and you will hear a giant sucking sound. But then it will be too late!
Have u guys calmed down yet? 🙂
Hilarious!
Blasphemy, for if this were all true, then the Moon would be far more loved than us, for it is simply resplendent in a multitude of craters.
Mhmm, or does that mean that the Moon is actually the abode of the gods? Ooh I get it, that’s why Mt Olympus is on Mars. Then the Moon must be home to Asgard, with all those rainbow bridges arcing up towards it…
Mhmm, but then where do the leprechauns fit in?
Wait, wait, can we do this with Dungeons and Dragons cosmology instead? Their gods actually grant divine spells to their faithful, so you know, when someone doubts you, you can just Flamestrike on demand… or if you’re charitable or whatever test Cure Disease on cancer patients against Placebo clerics.
Placebo of course is the god of sugar pills and control groups, worshiped only by those doing rigorous scientific medical studies.
Valor Phoenix says: “Blasphemy, for if this were all true …”
Desperately defending craterism, I see. Noted in your file.
This is too easy!
The words of CraterCasey Luskinism
Tomato Addict says: “This is too easy!”
Jeepers, we never suspected there was such an analogy to be made.
Longshadow’s first comment= WIN. I’m still laughing about that one