Today we have another addition to our series about Self-Published Geniuses, where we bring you news of authors with a vanity press book in which the author claims to have made paradigm-shattering discoveries, and announces his work by hiring a press release service.
This author’s press release is titled The Beginning of God: Explosive New Novel Describes God’s Origin, Challenges Darwin. It’s issued by PRWeb, which “gets your news straight to the search engines that everyone uses, like Google, Yahoo and Bing.” The lead paragraph is absolutely stunning:
After five years of research and more than a thousand prayers, James Brewship believes he may have the answers to two of the Earth’s biggest questions: how God began, and what Heaven is really like. His new novel, Heaven’s Tablet, offers vivid details that he believes will “thrill Christians to their core and crumble Darwinian theories like hard-squeezed crackers over a bowl of soup.”
Wow — five years of research and more than a thousand prayers! This must be a really great book. Who is this amazing author? The press release doesn’t describe him, but at the Amazon listing for his book, Heaven’s Tablet: Four Friends Search for a Beautiful Woman in Heaven, we’re told:
James Brewship is a gospel songwriter and a lover of adventure, mystery and elucidation. He lives in North Carolina with his lovely wife of three decades. He is an optimistic and meticulous writer who finds most of his inspiration while walking outdoors, usually in the direction of a large and peaceful woodland lake.
Impressed? Sure you are. But before we describe the book, we must confirm that it qualifies for our list. Was it published by a vanity press? No problem. Amazon discloses that the publisher is something called: CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform. Here’s their website. It’s a vanity press outfit run by Amazon. We never heard of it before, but there it is.
Okay, we’ve got a vanity press book, we’ve got the author’s press release, and now we’re all set to go. Here’s what the press release says, with some bold font added by us for emphasis:
Heaven’s Tablet, by James Brewship, is an inspirational narrative about four friends who search for a beautiful but mysterious woman in Heaven. Largely Bible-based, the story focuses on life along golden streets and beyond them, where uniquely defined heroes are applauded and where the great white horse is not the only magnificent animal.
Sounds great, but what about Darwin? Let’s read on:
The story reads that only one life-form, throughout all time and space, ever successfully evolved… “Billions of years ago, in a body-form referred to as eternapure, God arose, totally alone on a planet filled with mineral-rich pools of life-sustaining water.”
Ah, so that’s how evolution works. Start with a mineral-rich pool and then — Bada Bing! — out pops God with a body of “eternapure.” We’re overwhelmed! The press release continues:
“Time began when He began,” Angel Julius explains. The angel tells the whole story, smiles broadly, then reaches for a piece of pie.
A pie-eating angel. Isn’t that wonderful? Hey — there’s more evolution stuff:
Heaven’s Tablet doesn’t fail to entertain as it demonstrates how the Earth’s fossil records are proof, not of massive, Walmart-scale evolution, but of the definite existence of God.
Of course! Here’s more:
Brewship believes the Bible was right all along. On the subject of six-day creation, the story explains that the eternapure body needs no sleep, though sleep can be enjoyed as a luxury. Therefore, a day to God, who generates his own light, is without limits. As time belongs to him, a day, and especially a creation-day, was and always will be his to define.
Makes sense. One more excerpt:
As Heaven’s Tablet takes the reader on a fascinating journey of mystery, romance, and one incredibly heartwarming reunion, the case for faith grows stronger. If Heaven is really like this, it could get pretty crowded. Everyone will want to go there.
As always, dear reader, the next step is yours. We’ve told you about the book, so we’ve done all we can. Now it’s up to you.
Copyright © 2014. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.
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The Sensuous Curmudgeon 
Why 1000 prayers? One wasn’t enough or was god busy watching American football and helping the Republican wackos in rejecting stricter gun laws for the US of A?
Well, if nothing else, that takes care of God’s ineffability… 🙄
So, he says his book is Bible-based? Sounds like an all-new creation story to me, based on the revelations of pie-loving angel Julius.
If we subject it to Ken Ham’s three-point Truth Test, we find it has just as much validity as Genesis.
“Heaven’s Tablet, by James Brewship, is an inspirational narrative about four friends who search for a beautiful but mysterious woman in Heaven.”
I saw a movie about this once… but I don’t think it was done by a Christian.
Of course it takes five years to write the book if you only pray on fewer than two days out of every three. It’s a miracle god provided Jim with enough material to finish his book given his puny prayer output. God probably withheld a lot of really entertaining material just to teach Jim a lesson.
On the plus side at least the author admits his book is a work of fiction!
Looks like I will have to trade in my can of whoop-ass for a can of eternapure from the mineral-rich pools of life-sustaining water!
“Billions of years ago, in a body-form referred to as eternapure, God arose, totally alone on a planet filled with mineral-rich pools of life-sustaining water.”
Hmm, that must have happened on day zero, the one before the first of the 7 days of creation acccording to the bible. And it couldn’t have happened on earth as the earth and its waters had not yet been created. Well, but whichever one you select they’re both fictional stories anyway.
Ken Ham will not like this book one bit. Discoveroids prefer something much more vage on “what happened when” but will reluctantly welcome it under their big tent just because it rejects “Darwin”. But both will merely pretend it doesn’t exist as long as no one asks them their opinion.
In any case, I hope you’re keeping score of the male-female ratio of the self-published “geniuses” as you are of those who share their “wisdom” via letters-to-the-editor. I’m guessing both are at least 10:1, even though among general evolution-deniers it’s more like 4:5.
The Press Release says:
Well of course Earth’s fossils could not be the product of“Walmart-scale evolution” Otherwise the Creator would have located the Garden of Eden in a grimy suburb of Ming-Cho China, and fossils would all be made out of cheap plastic.
“Billions of years ago, in a body-form referred to as eternapure, God arose, totally alone on a planet filled with mineral-rich pools of life-sustaining water.”
If a planet with mineral rich pools of life sustaining water preceded god, where does that leave god as The Uncaused First Cause?
And why “pools of LIFE-SUSTAINING water”? Were they too shallow to drown in?
I’d really like to get that pie recipe.
When I think of Heaven’s gold paved streets, it makes me think of the devil Mammon who was cast out of heaven for looking down at the streets of gold and not up to God.
The book sounds unintentionally amusing. I guess the problem with asking God where he began is he wasn’t theah (Aussie for “there”).
Brewship thinks his book will “thrill Christians to their core and crumble Darwinian theories like hard-squeezed crackers over a bowl of soup.”
I don’t know about you committed communist evolutionists, but I put my crackers in the bowl, pour the soup on top, and then crush them with my spoon. Then I pray that it will taste good. Of course.
“Billions of years ago, in a body-form referred to as eternapure, God arose, totally alone on a planet filled with mineral-rich pools of life-sustaining water.”
This guy has been watching End of Evangelion. Were the pools full of LCL?
Where did the “mineral-rich pools of life-sustaining water” come from? Or is it eternapure all the way down?