Self-Published Genius #124: God & the Coast Guard

Today we have a new addition to our series about Self-Published Geniuses. This is where we bring you news of authors with a vanity press book in which the author claims to have made paradigm-shattering discoveries, and announces his work by hiring a press release service.

The title of this press release is No Matter How Wide-Spread, God Has Influenced Every Aspect of Human Existence. Like so many others in our collection, it was issued by Cision PRWeb, which says it’s “the leader in online news distribution and publicity.” Here are some excerpts from the press release, with bold font added by us for emphasis, and occasional Curmudgeonly interjections that look [like this]:

Author Peter Walton testifies [Ooooooooooooh! He testifies!!] that God is the creator and designer of the universe in God the Creator of Science, Technology and the U.S. Coast Guard ($16.99, paperback, 9781662827730; $7.99, e-book, 9781662827747).

God created the U.S. Coast Guard? Amazing! Let’s read on. The press release says:

In this three-part volume, Walton testifies [Hee hee!] to God’s greatness in a few different ways. In part one, he combats evolutionary theory [Hooray!] with evidence that God created everything, including science and technology.

Amazing! The author has actual evidence that God created everything. After that stunning information, the press release tells us:

In part two, he honors God’s presence in the many U.S. Coast Guard rescues, performed “so that others may live.”

Very persuasive! The press release continues:

Finally, he wraps up with four fictional and editorial articles on topics as eclectic as the Shroud of Turin and the Voyager spacecraft.

What a book! You gotta admit, dear reader, this one is unique! Let’s read on:

“All credit for this book goes to the Great I Am. [Wowie!] Thank you, God, for using me to promote your kingdom,” said Walton.

We like to see humility in an author. Oh, the last paragraph of the press release tells us something we needed to know:

Xulon Press, a division of Salem Media Group, is the world’s largest Christian self-publisher, with more than 15,000 titles published to date.

Very nice! They come right out and tell us that they’re a vanity publisher. With that, and the press release, we know the book qualifies for our collection.

So we searched for the book at Amazon, and we found it! Wowie — it has 257 pages and it costs only $16.99 in paperback. What a deal! And yes, Amazon has a “Look inside” feature. Hey — there are no reviews yet. You can be the first!

Okay, dear reader, that’s all we know. Go ahead and buy the thing — and tell ’em the Curmudgeon sent ya!

Copyright © 2021. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

15 responses to “Self-Published Genius #124: God & the Coast Guard

  1. Does he blame failed Coast Guard rescue attempts where people drowned on his favorite sky fairy too, or were those just accidents.

  2. @abeastwood, how could all rescues possibly be successful in this fallen world?

  3. @Paul Baterman: So it’s his favorite sky fairy’s fault it they are successful and Eve’s fault if the aren’t?

  4. The press release is correct the belief in gawd has caused wide spread change…more death, destruction, bigotry, and plain old evil!

  5. Thank you, God, for using me to promote your kingdom,”

    Bible wasn’t good enough. God needs promoters. Next time write a better book God.

  6. Next time hire Dick York or Dick Sargent. The always win over the client. Or Will Ferrell.

  7. Puck Mendelssohn

    I need an understudy to whom I can assign reviews like this. Otherwise I’ll never get time to read anything worthwhile.

  8. chris schilling

    Not fond of quoting the Bible, but I did find this:
    “The fool hath said in his heart, There is no U.S. Coast Guard without God” — Psalm 14

  9. Cision PRWeb:

    “No Matter How Wide-Spread, God Has Influenced Every Aspect of Human Existence. “

    The English verbal construction “no matter how A, [nevertheless] B” is customarily deployed to highlight an apparent opposition or contradiction between positions A and B, followed by an attempt to reconcile the two positions
    That is not the case here

  10. Boy, this one sounds like a doozy. But it’s only one of six or seven of this author’s effusions that are available on that site named after the river in South America. Successful rescues seem to be a favourite theme of his. Apparently the survival of 35 Chilean miners in 2010 was also down to God, as Mr Walton tells us in another work. Apparently he was sitting in on the divine board meeting when the decision was made to allow them to live. Pity about the yearly average of 15 000 mining deaths per year. Their families don’t seem to have Mr Walton’s access to the mind of God.

    Or we might ask about Aberfan, the Welsh mining village where one wet day in 1966, the slag heap avalanched down the hillside and buried the school, killing 144, including 116 children. If it had happened an hour later the school would have been empty. Great timing, there, Lord!

    What am I saying? That wasn’t God’s fault. It was down to Eve, too, no doubt. Just as well she’s immune to prosecution. In fact, nobody was actually prosecuted. Although the National Coal Board was found to have shown “extreme negligence”, its chairman (I’m sure that in this instance, nobody minds my emphasis that he was male) was found only to have made “misleading statements”, which is light years short of mass infanticide. Why, you can’t even hang someone for misspeaking himself, and as for burying the entire board alive in one of their own slag heaps, mustn’t think of things like that. Why, that would be cruel! Mr Walton abhors cruelty, except when God does it.

    Walton seems to be pretty much in the “harmless loony” category. He’s a religious whacko, of course, and he can’t help looking at everything through God-coloured glasses. But, oh brother, are those glasses ever one-eyed.

  11. @Dave Luckett
    You bring up the difference between “misspeak” and “multiple infanticide”.
    It seems to be that one can consider that the God of Genesis is capable of the one, as in the story of Noah’s Flood. But that it cannot be considered that the Inspirer of the Book of Joshua has been less than clear in describing the mechanism of the Solar System.

  12. I can just see the theological university science professor (“The Very Reverend Professor Ham,” eg.) asking at a PhD oral: Do you testify to this, or do you have to produce actual evidence?

  13. If you guys want ham then watch anything with William Shatner in it.

  14. Hey, richard: Star Trek with Shatner as Captain Kirk is the best thing ever on television.

  15. It is perhaps worth noting that, apart from the U.S. Air Force, there’s no other branch of the American military that is more Christ-centric, with multiple reports of people being turned down for promotion and turned out of the service for failure to be Christian.