Herman Cummings, Genesis Genius, Tells All!

At last, dear reader, we are told the secrets that were revealed to Herman Cummings, author (using the pen-name “Ephriam”) of Moses Didn’t Write About Creation!

It was only a week ago that we posted Herman Cummings, Genesis Genius — Again! In the comments section, some of you suggested that Herman should actually tell us what has been revealed to him, rather than complaining that the world won’t pay attention to him.

Rejoice! Herman has heard you, and in his latest essay he begins to disclose his heretofore hidden wisdom. Like the prophets of old he ignores the world’s scorn and he tells us what we need to know. Whether you listen to him is up to you. We are humbly doing our Curmudgeonly duty by bringing Herman’s words to your attention.

As before, Herman’s essay appears at a website called iNewp — the People’s Press. We still know nothing about them, but they’re willing to publish Herman’s articles, and for that the world should be grateful.

We present to you, dear reader, some excerpts from Creation vs. Evolution? Wake Up People!! It begins with what may well be the most powerful and thought-provoking opening paragraph ever to appear on the internet. Here it comes, with bold font added by us, and we also added a bit of color when it seemed appropriate:

Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Fish, reptiles, and birds lay eggs. If these adult species are only given life by means of the egg hatching process, how did the first fish, reptiles and birds come into existence? Evolution? If so, why isn’t all life hatched out of an egg? Is this to be explained with the same sort of reasoning which produced the theory that a bear fell into a lake/river and became a whale?

You can easily see why Herman was chosen to receive a special revelation about the meaning of Genesis. We read on:

Let’s address the “chicken or the egg” question. An egg cannot just drop out of the sky, or wash upon the shore all by itself. An egg, which signifies life waiting to develop, has to be laid by a egg laying female animal, unless you want think up a theory on how the first egg materialized….; those that are in denial can go there. Therefore, let us focus on the female chicken, or actually the hen.

The hen can lay eggs without the rooster, but the eggs will not produce life (will not hatch). So little chicks can’t come into existence (in the wild or in the distant past) without the hen mating with the rooster. Therefore, both the hen and the rooster came first.

The age-old mystery is solved! We don’t know if that was revealed wisdom, or if it’s something that Herman reasoned out by himself. Either way, it’s impressive. Let’s continue:

But the world of science is biased at best, or a hypocrite at worst. When the discussion centers around how the heavier elements in the universe came into being, science will say that those elements are produced in stars in outer space…, where science has not been. Oh really? Where is the proof? Science will quickly dismiss the existence of the Creator, because of lack of “proof”. But when it comes to their own theories (stellar evolution, evolution of life), they fail to apply the same rules. That means that they must have a hidden agenda.

Got that? No proof, therefore … hidden agenda! Here’s more:

If science encounters another existence, such as another universe, with different rules of life, shall science deny the existence of that universe…, and pretend that it is not there? What about the finding of life forms that uses arsenic instead of phosphorus? Has science ignored that?

Ohhhhhhh! Another universe! This is deep thinking indeed. Moving along:

When God created this universe, He could have made life that was adaptable to any environment, based on any set of rules and/or compounds. I venture to say that God made certain forms of life, all across this universe…, because (original) mankind was supposed to explore and possess this whole universe. However, something went wrong about 700 million years ago, which is not a topic of this article.

What went wrong? Perhaps there will be additional revelations after this one. Another excerpt:

However, God made our universe 4.6 billion years ago. We found that out when mankind landed on, and returned rocks from, the Moon.

Herman is certainly no moon-landing denier! On with the article:

Therefore, Genesis 1:1 should be interpreted as “4.6 billion years ago, God created this universe, starting with the planet Earth”. Yes, Earth was the first, and is the principle celestial object in this universe. All of the other objects in this universe are at least two days younger than our Earth. So now, you should be able to determine that I am not “young Earth”, and that I embrace the literal meaning of the scriptures, unlike “old Earth” creationism. Reconciliation was achieved seventeen years ago.

Neither a young-earther, nor an old-earth creationist. What a revelation that must have been, 17 years ago! Herman continues:

In fact, all creationist doctrines are in error. They either deny scientific reality (young Earth), or deny the literal truth of Genesis (Day/Age, gap theories, theistic evolution, etc). I also consider Intelligent Design a waste of my time, and yours. So what is left on the table? The “Observations of Moses”.

Here it comes — that which was revealed to Herman:

There are no “creation accounts” in Genesis. There is no “evolution vs. creation” contest. Anyone trying to compare those two are trying to match oranges with apples, and doesn’t understand the facts, let alone the Genesis text. The question everyone should ask is, “What was God really conveying to mankind?”, when He revealed the ancient past to Moses.

What Moses saw was not Creation Week, but seven non-linear days revealed to him in one week, in a certain order.

Seven non-linear days! The mind boggles. Herman has truly transcended The Time Cube. The revelation continues:

The proof of a Creator was given to us in Genesis chapter one. But unfortunately, the worlds of Creationism and Theology have badly misinterpreted the scriptures, and refuse to learn the truth. God was conveying the concept of geologic time, by revealing one day from seven different eras, and not in chronological order. This alone proves the Divine authorship of the text, because science didn’t discover geologic time until 3,000 years after Genesis was written.

So put both creationism and evolution in the trash. Both are in error.

But … doesn’t Genesis talk about six days of creation? Oh, that’s okay — seven is fine with us. Thank you, Herman. Now we know.

See also: Herman Cummings Challenges the Whole World!

Copyright © 2010. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

add to del.icio.usAdd to Blinkslistadd to furlDigg itadd to ma.gnoliaStumble It!add to simpyseed the vineTailRankpost to facebook

. AddThis Social Bookmark Button . Permalink for this article

18 responses to “Herman Cummings, Genesis Genius, Tells All!

  1. Herman needs a name for his theory, to give it some respectability. It’s at least as well supported as ID or YEC, but it has no “ism” or catchy acronym to distinguish it. Perhaps your readers have some suggestions?

  2. Benjamin Franklin

    Herman needs a name for his theory, to give it some respectability. It’s at least as well supported as ID or YEC, but it has no “ism” or catchy acronym to distinguish it.

    Genesisism.

  3. Ed says:

    Herman needs a name for his theory, to give it some respectability.

    Maybe the Hermanoid Interpretation.

  4. I told you it was all about Ovaltine™…… Did you ever stop to consider that “Ovaltine” has eight letters, and that the number 8 modulo 7 is equal to….

    ….. ONE!

    That’s Right! The first Seven Letters correspond to Herman’s Seven non-linear geologic Days, and 7 modulo 7 is Zero, emptiness, nothingness — whereas ONE (corresponding to the eighth letter of “Ovaltine” represents fullness, and completeness of Creation if the Earth , the Universe, and everything.

    And how do we dear mortals acheive Oneness and fullness/completeness?

    … by drinking delicious, nutritious, and theologically perfect Ovaltine™!

    Clearly, Herman has proven that God created the earth and the Universe, and all the creatures and plants 4.6 billion years ago so that today, we could sit in the comfort of our homes and drink OVALTINE™! in honor of His glory and beneficence

    May God bless the rectitude and tastiness of His non-linear milk flavoring Creation! And bless Herman for revealing for all to know the wonder and joy of this geo-centric drink concoction.

    Honor the Creator — by drinking Ovaltine™ Today!

  5. Longshadow: “I told you it was all about Ovaltine™……”

    That’s gold, Longy. Gold!

  6. Benjamin Franklin

    Honor the Creator — by drinking Ovaltine™ Today!

    Forgive them Father. They know not what they drink.

  7. Ovaltine™ used to sponsor Captain Midnight on the radio, so it must be good.

  8. The Curmudgeon | 12-December-2010 at 2:05 pm |

    Ovaltine™ used to sponsor Captain Midnight on the radio, so it must be good.

    For the record, my inspiration for the Ovaltine™ gag is from Jean Shepherd’s “A Christmas Story” which was made into a film some years ago, and is regularly replayed every Christmas Season on one or more cable channels. In it, young Ralphie eagerly listens to the the “Little Orphan Annie” show on the radio, and dutifully gets out his secret decoder ring to decrypt the “secret message” broadcast to Annie’s “special” fans during the show. His brain is a buzz as he feverishly decodes what he is certain to be a very special message…. only to discover it reads in plain text as:

    “DRINK MORE OVALTINE™!

    If you haven’t seen this gem of a film, you must endeavor to do so this year. It is hilariously funny, and captures the essence of what it was like to be a kid around Christmas time in the ’50s in America. Darren McGavin is brilliant as “the Old Man,” whose profanity laced diatribes dot the plot like land mines.

  9. Longie, that episode, and much other lore, is mentioned in the Wikipedia article on Ovaltine. I vaguely recall insisting that my mother buy it for me, which of course she did, but I didn’t like it.

  10. … but I didn’t like it.

    APOSTASY!!!!!

  11. Ovaltine is the temptation of Satan used to trap sleepy souls. The only true Genesis drink is Horlicks, blessed be the holy Malt.

  12. A local theater here in Austin is hosting a “mini feast” for the movie A Christmas Story this Wednesday. In keeping with the theme, Chinese food will be served during the movie, featuring duck…

    We have tickets, of course. Wouldn’t miss it.

  13. Curmudgeon: “Longie, that episode, and much other lore, is mentioned in the Wikipedia article on Ovaltine.”

    So is the source of my “gold” comment (“Seinfeld”, in case anyone is wondering).

  14. >” I also consider Intelligent Design a waste of my time, and yours. ”

    Mr. Cummings is clearly a discerning fellow. I think I like him!

  15. Ed: Herman needs a name for his theory, to give it some respectability…
    Benjamin Franklin: Genesisism

    Isn’t Genisisism the belief that Phil Collins created the heavens and the earth? 🙂

    Isn’t this just gap creationism? He’s hypothesizing gaps of ages between each verse.

    Oh well, thanks Herman. I mean that sincerely, its nice when someone who clams to have some Truth actually tells you what it is without demanding the low low price of $19.95.

  16. Note to Herman: The answer is the egg. Chickens aren’t all that ancient. They’re the domesticated variation of jungle fowl found in southeast Asia. So there were egg-laying birds in the ancestral line before there were modern chickens.
    Note to Longshadow: A CHRISTMAS STORY is set approximately 1940, not the ’50s. There are numerous internal references that date the movie to around then, but the real giveaway is a brief shot with the license plate on the Old Man’s car visible, and it actually says 1940.

  17. Gabriel Hanna

    It’s not a bad attempt to reconcile Genesis with science, but it’s basically Gap theory.

    Reconciling Genesis with Peter Gabriel, on the other hand, would be a remarkable accomplishment.

  18. Benjamin Franklin

    Gabriel Hanna said

    Reconciling Genesis with Peter Gabriel, on the other hand, would be a remarkable accomplishment.

    You can take that to the banks.