Today we have another addition to our series about Self-Published Geniuses, where we bring you news of authors with a vanity press book in which the author claims to have made paradigm-shattering discoveries, and announces his work by hiring a press release service.
This author’s press release is titled Mark F. Kalita Publishes “Light Event” in Which the “Light Formula” for the Human Being is Announced. It’s issued by PR.com, which describes itself as “a unique website where companies can promote literally everything about their business in a one stop shop business marketplace.” The lead paragraph is absolutely mind-blowing:
Mark F. Kalita today released the book “Light Event” in which the ‘Light Formula’ is first published. This ground breaking theory places the Human being as a variable in the most unique equation of existence. The ‘Light Formula’ makes All Human beings a measurable quotient of existence. This unique ‘Light Formula’ of the Human being also mirrors the “Unified Field Theory” as Mark uses the Infinite as a constant with claims that all energy is a subtle kinetic energy with a unique “Light Event.”
Wow! Who is this author? The press release (presumably written by the author himself) tells us:
Mark F. Kalita, author of the “7 Day Bodhi” and the “Secrets of God,” announces the “Light Formula” which is the first theoretical equation to use the “Unified Field Theory” and the first to use the Human, or Life Coefficient, as a measurable variable in science.
We found his book at Amazon: Light Event. There’s an illustration of the book’s cover, on which there’s a formula: k=IHx. Amazon’s description of the book explains that formula:
This “LIGHT FORMULA” is the k(inetic) energy that is released when the constant of the I(nfinite) is aligned by the H(uman) variable. ‘x’ is the exponential rise of subtle energies when other H(uman)s are adjoined in the I(nfinite), also known as UNITY. … The LIGHT FORMULA makes us ALL a measurable variable in the most unique equation of existence.
Most impressive! But before we go on, we must confirm that the book qualifies for our collection. Was it published by a vanity press? No problem. Amazon tells us the name of the publisher. Here’s their website: CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform. Yes, it’s a vanity press.
Okay, we’ve got a vanity press book, we’ve got the author’s press release, and now we’re all set to go. Here’s what the press release says, with some bold font added by us for emphasis:
“The ‘Light Event’ horizon for Humanity has been predicted since the beginning of time. World religions have appeared to explain the prophetic impressions of this event horizon and the resulting stabilization of the subtle kinetic energies post horizon. What the prophets and englightened [sic] saw is the natural evolution of the Human electrochemical process and our interaction with the Infinite,” Mark esoterically relays the cryptic meanings of his discovery. “As the Human factor aligns itself with a positive polarity, the subtle kinetic energies emerge as the ‘Greater Gifts’ or the ‘Three Natures’ of existence.”
We have never encountered such profundity! Verily, this is a book to be studied for a lifetime! Let’s read on:
Mark not only claims that through the understanding and application of the ‘Light Formula’ light workers, or healers, psychics and mediums, can naturally and effortlessly enhance their gifts by taking a few easy steps to align their being with the Infinite. “There are three aspects of interaction with the Infinite that every Human being does. The awareness that these three aspects give our being a positive or negative polarity is vital to allowing the subtle kinetic energies to flow effortlessly within the light worker,” Mark claims. “But more importantly the ‘Light Formula’ shows how these subtle kinetic energies are raised exponentially by additional Humans of positive polarity.”
We humbly confess that we are overwhelmed! Perhaps it’s because we haven’t yet recovered from the stress of re-setting our clocks last night for Daylight Saving Time. Whatever the reason, we can’t begin to grasp this information in a single sitting. Here’s one more excerpt from the press release:
To further understand and verify the ‘Light Formula’, Mark is currently seeking volunteer psychics, healers, mediums and other light workers for an investigational focus group using the “Light Event” tools to positively align the study subjects. Participants will receive free course material but travel and accommodations to Englewood, FL will not be provided.
This is too much for us; we can’t go on. The next step is yours, dear reader. We’ve told you about the book, so we’ve done all we can. Now it’s up to you — if you have the courage.
Copyright © 2014. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.
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The Sensuous Curmudgeon 
One day, he’s going to look back and regret not using the word “quantum” somewhere in the title and/or description of his truly amazing book.
It’s gotta be good for fooling a couple hundred more rubes in parting with their cash.
It won’t be long after that investigative focus group gathers in Florida and gets familiar with ol’ Marks tool that quantum Light Formula is transcendently conceived on a universal scale … What was that? Tools plural, not tool as in an anatomical feature, you say?
Never mind.
This is one of the worst vanity books ever. Total gibberish!
vhutchison says: “This is one of the worst vanity books ever. Total gibberish!”
It’s obvious, Victor, that you are unworthy of the knowledge the book reveals.
Move over, Deepak Chopra. You’re about to be out-cranked.
Besides the nuttiness, there seems to be a common factor among fruitcakes after the Kalita-esque mould: They value the nullity of obfuscating postmodern verbiage far above clear and meaningful expression. And why should they not? After all, it’s so much easier to sound scholarly than to be scholarly. Who needs rigour when babble gets it done at half the price?
Call me unworthy ( 😉 ), but the real problem here is pervasive common scientific naïveté, which ensures that Kalita will, instead of being laughed into oblivion, have no trouble finding a long string of acolytes and sycophants.
Con-Tester says: “Besides the nuttiness, there seems to be a common factor among fruitcakes after the Kalita-esque mould: They value the nullity of obfuscating postmodern verbiage far above clear and meaningful expression.”
Are you blind? He’s got a formula! That means it’s scientific. If you can’t understand it, that’s your problem.
Time Cube.
Our Curmudgeon declares this paradigm-shattering tome
According to the Amazon listing, this splendid book is a whopping 30 pages long!
Study for a lifetime? You could memorise the whole text in a single day.
And Amazon usefully includes a link to this distinguished philosopher’s entire oeuvre.
In addition to 7 Day Bhodi and Secrets of God, our indefatigable thinker is also the proud author of Eating Free Food, which sound essential for any survivalist’s bookshelf!
Curmy, you owe me a keyboard and a mouse pad. Mine have been rendered inoperative by a spray of half-chewed penne all’arrabbiata.
Wasn’t this light/energy of the human being the basis for the Matrix movie? Humans were raised as plug-in batteries to generate energy for the machines. Perhaps this author is really onto something! I think he himself ranks as a “D” cell.
Con-Tester destroys a piece of high technology by means of
You owe to yourself to learn how to properly masticate, as set forth by the incomparable Horace Fletcher
Con-Tester’s keyboard died a noble and spicy death. How embarrassing it would have been had it been a milky, boring alfredo.
For your $8.58 you get a whopping 30 pages!
Imagine, 30 pages of undiluted horse manure!
You wanna know what else would make Mark F. Kalita “a measurable quotient of existence“?
Getting run over by a bus.
@Rikki_Tikki_Taalik: He’d be spreading himself pretty thin…